Untitled - October 19, 2026
00:00:00 Speaker: Life isn't fair, says every mom ever. Hi, it's Denise and thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Let's just go ahead and say says every parent everywhere. I don't know if it's because I am pmsing or if I'm just trying to use that as an excuse. But I've had a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot on my heart lately. I'm going to be honest, I'm not quite sure where today's episode is going to go, but I've been involved with lots of kids lately and different age range kids. We have started up the youth program at my local high school between freshmen, sophomores and juniors and meeting with those young boys life giving. That is why God gave me Hudson is so that I could show up best for young men and these young men. I don't know what people are saying about kids in high school. I mean, we that's not a true statement. We hear both sides of what people say about kids in high school. And these young boys are killer. I have enjoyed my time so much with them. And then, you know, coaching Sydney's volleyball team, fourth grade, that age group speaking not too long ago to seniors in high school and then working with second graders at their room as their room mom party stuff. You know what I mean? Like, kids have so much going on, and I've noticed how kids have things harder maybe than most of us probably realize. And then yet there's tons of kids that have so much going for them, so many opportunities and so much support. And yet sometimes the way they respond to life is completely different than how you or I would, or who those, or from those who have less support and respect has been on my mind lately. Mainly also too, because we've, you know, we just have areas of opportunity with our own kids and Hudson respect and not lying was something that we were working on. And then focusing on gratitude and about the way that we talk and meet people. It's all so, so important. And then with coaching clients, like life is hard right now for so many people, I know I'm not the only one that sees people struggling, and there's a part of me that wants to fix it, to make it better, to make it go away, to somehow make it easier for them while also understanding like that. It's not my job or is it your job, but sitting in the hard has been difficult lately for me. It's not something that I'm vocal about oftentimes, because how we view things, which we'll talk about later, is how we do things. And so I oftentimes look at life as something that we get to do, not something that we have to do. And right now I am in internal competition with that statement because of how hard life is for so many people. And the statement. Some kids really have it hard and others don't is on my heart. Not every child starts from the same place in an incident not too long ago where, you know, kids get left at practice. No, don't judge and guilt yourself. If you've done it before, I know I'll do it. But what happens after that, I think, is when your true character shows what happens if a kid gets left at practice. What connection do you make with a child after someone forgets about him or her? Some kids have really stable homes, others have less security than others, and instability and struggles that we don't even know about. And two kids can sit in the same room or stand in the same gym and have two entirely different worlds and two entirely different frame of references. And I don't think like, we'll know the depth sometimes of what a child is carrying. And it's so important for us as adults to recognize that. But I also think it's like, are we teaching our kids to recognize that not everyone comes from the same place? It's our frame of reference, right? We think that a person thinks and operates as we do because that's our frame of reference. But it's so not the case. How do we teach kids that not all have the same opportunities, young or old? And it's not coming from a place of blaming, but coming from a place of. And yet look at what they do. In spite of all of that, how do we help our kids appreciate. Without making others feel guilty for having it? Or that thought process of. Are we observing or are you passing judgment when we see others struggling? There was a miscommunication between a mom and another mom and kids and. watching how one set of parents resolved and compared to another, and the impact that that has on a child. There's such power there. When a child is forgotten and you admit wrong, or you share why that happened, and you apologize and ask for connection, instead of placing blame on the child and say, you didn't tell me or their kids, right? I guess like under the age of sixth grade, they require so much on you. And then we look at ourselves and we think, okay, if a, an adult child in high school speaks rudely to someone, is that a reflection of us? And then that hurts. It's it's so hard. Even as me to not pass judgment on. Well, I would have handled that differently. Well, of course you would have, because you're not in that scenario, right? Like I check myself even in those. But then I think about, I mean, I was, um, let's well, you'll, we'll use this as anonymity. Um, I was approached after a volleyball game because someone did not like the way that I coach. That's okay. Ten percent of any room isn't going to like me. That's what like the coach side of me. But the other part is like, no, I need to reflect. Like, is anything of what this person said true and valid? And if so, what am I going to do about it? Five percent of it was true. Okay. I do not have a high tolerance for attitudes on the court that are dismissive and mean to other kids. I do not have tolerate. I don't have tolerance for it. I think that's probably trauma based in the sense of I remember a time when there was a player really mean to me and nobody stood up for me. Granted, could I have stood up for myself? Sure. But I wasn't old enough and mature enough. And so it comes from a place of that. And also, like everything is a choice. My therapist taught me that not too long ago, and I should have learned it sooner. In life, everything is a choice. Our attitude and the way that we show up is a choice. And yet, it is my responsibility as a coach to influence that more appropriately and more respectfully and kindly. And so, yes, I get frustrated when we're mean to other people because gosh darn it, that's not nice. We don't all get to choose our circumstances, though. And so coming from a place of understanding, well, now I understand why this player is the way she is at times, because the adult chooses to act like that as well. We don't all choose our circumstances, but there's such power in having someone see us and believe that we can make a difference. So let's be those people while also realizing it is our responsibility to teach respect. And we do not want entitlement, and we want to teach accountability. And some kids do that when their parents are watching. Great. I think that's our like our, our kids are very good kids and we all have areas to grow. Hudson is so good when someone mom or dad is watching him. It's when we let him go that you're like, okay, go soar. And maybe they just kind of like flutter like a butterfly and keep going up and down. Some children demonstrate gratitude and kindness and respect despite difficult circumstances. Some don't, and they have tremendous support at home. Why? Why is that? You can get curious. And then I wonder if we're even asking the right question, because it produces a dynamic of judgment for their situation or that person, and instead use it as a mirror. Wait, why is this irritating me? Is it irritating because I actually see myself doing some of those things that I wished I wasn't? And so then what am I allowing? We have to be careful not to assume anything, and that the hardship that a child or an adult is dealing with creates character. I think what creates character is what happens after the hardship. But getting to that is hard. It's so hard. And this is where I go back and forth. It's like, how long do you wait before you help someone? And and how is respect taught? I believe it's through consistency and setting the expectation and examples and that children still need boundaries. Some it, I mean, let's be honest, some adult, some of us adults still need boundaries, but maybe we weren't taught. And boundaries sometimes are uncomfortable. I come back to. I can't change people. You can't change people. But I believe that we can positively influence. But before we do any of that? What are we needing to evaluate and look in the mirror for ourselves? Because change happens in organizations when positive change, specifically when we realize that we are part of that, that our day to day actions positively influence long term. And the other side of that, our negative actions negatively impact the outcome. And so in order for us to be part of the change and we want to see this happen, and we're going to complain when it doesn't happen, what are we needing to view and do things so that the impact is that of positive? I think we need to look at some of the stuff that we do that's negative. I was told, or I was asked if anyone has ever told me that I was too much lately. Uh, yeah. First of all, quick one is, well, sure, but they probably haven't said it out loud like that. And two, I'm like, man, why are you asking that? Well, because I pushed too hard. And yet, isn't that relative? Is it quote, pushing too hard a place or a statement for each person? Now, don't get me wrong, if I, you know, if I question and ask too many questions and I'm not observing where someone is obviously very uncomfortable and it's coming from a place of like, because I pushed people in business coaching, right? I ask why often because I do believe that, you know the answer and that if you're fearful or scared of asking or answering the question, why, it's because you're almost at the cusp of what's holding you back. And then yet sometimes if somebody's not ready, I probably do push a little too hard. That's because I see your potential. It's because I see what's on the other side. I see what happens when you dig deep and ask yourself why you're scared of doing this or saying this out loud that I know what happens on the other side. That's it. That's one hundred percent. Now that I. So if you're asking me if I'm too much because I push too hard, the answer to that is yes. And maybe I need to do a better job of evaluating whether or not it's the right place and the right time, but sure, but I also, it comes from such a place of love and intentionality that. I, I know it's not my responsibility to make a person better or different, but I do think it is all of us, not only mine responsibility to showcase what's possible. The potential that we see in one another sometimes is not the potential that I see in myself. You're amazing, your kids are amazing, and I know that you are capable of that little dream or that little thought in your mind that you want to be true. I know it, you're the only person standing in your way. And so it's, I like want to help you get there. And if that makes me too much, then freaking call me too much. But again, I go back to and thank you for singing along. Because if we view and keep score as to if someone is too much or not enough. Oh what a world we are living in. And I, I go back to that phrase of how we view things is how we do things. If we view this life as something of a burden or as something that we don't want to show up for. If we respond with frustration to every inconvenience. If we see feedback or correction as criticism and instantly become defensive. We're gonna view this life as something that we have to walk around with a sword in our hand. If we see difficult people as problems rather than as opportunities to connect, we lose compassion. If see if we see challenges as opportunities, our response changes. Like we know that we can go after it. But if we constantly focus on what we do not have. It's difficult to appreciate what you do and to think that our kids are watching us throughout all of this. And it's also making me very, um, self conscious. And this is the power of when we have these types of conversations, it's the power of realizing like we do not have it all together all of the time. Uh, not too long ago, Hudson had an asthma attack in the middle of the night. I'm not joking. I probably had only been asleep for five minutes. I was annoyed. And this kid was literally struggling to breathe. And yet I was put out, and he was being made to feel like an inconvenience by me because I was tired and annoyed. That's not how I want him to treat treat my future grandchild. And yet I had no problem treating him like that. We do not have it all together. So am I modeling or was I modeling the attitude I want my kids to develop? Not in that moment. Maybe ninety percent of the time I am. I know that I need to take responsibility for some of my actions and not blame others. I do do a good job of that. I didn't used to. Is this where we, you know, view life as opportunities? And we teach that when you see an obstacle. Ask how or plan. Make a plan for how you're going to overcome it versus nope, okay, I'm done. I'm gonna sit down and like, when I see something go wrong that we're not blaming, instead we're thinking, okay, what can I do so that this doesn't happen. Like what? Right. But like, life is so hard right now for so many people, and we can't fix it. We're seeing people who are hurting. We're seeing the effects of government. We're seeing the effects of the economy. We're seeing what happens when we choose to not care about people, and instead on our technology and our phones. All of the time, we are seeing kids experience situations that we wouldn't or shouldn't even want to ask for for them. But like, what do we do when you care deeply but can't change the outcome? How do we stay compassionate without taking responsibility? And then how much do you take? And then how do you best show up for your family? And that's where it comes down to is like, it is not our responsibility to fix everything, but it is ours to see what's in front of me instead of. All right. Wait, wait. Instead of responding, maybe we need to listen. Maybe a voice of encouragement, a text message, a note, a pat on the back. Be a consistent person in someone's life. Offer help if somebody asks for it. Like that's the verbal, right? Like, you know, go bake a meal for somebody and take it off. Sure. They're not going to ask for that. But like, if somebody's asking for feedback, share it in a positive light, recognize when something is beyond your ability and that you need help. Because when you model behavior like that, we are preparing our kids for life instead of trying to just make life easy for them. We want our kids to have good lives. We want it. We want them to have it better than we did. We want them to protect them. We want to provide opportunities that we never got to have, and maybe even for some of us, spare them the pain. But sometimes the desire to make life easier can prevent our kids from learning how to handle hard things. Last week, Sydney and Hudson were doing Legos, and the amount of times that Sydney just threw her like that might be a little bit of a stretch. Uh, took apart her Legos and just started from scratch because she messed up and then cried heavily about it was a lot. Did I love the pain that they were feeling? No. But I want our kids to experience disappointment. And she was disappointed in her actions. I want them to. You know, Hudson wanted a baked good the other night at a volleyball game. And the little stinker, I said, did you bring your money? And he said, no, I'm not joking. You. Ten minutes later, it was like, hey, we have so many Baxter baked goods. Um. They're free. And he was like, did you hear that? I can go get one now. No. The reason that you are not getting a cookie or a piece of cake or a Rice Krispie treat is because you've already had a soda and you already had a dessert, and you do not need more because your tummy is going to hurt and you are sensitive. And so he needed to experience that disappointment because we don't want to create entitlement. We don't want them to always get their way. And helping them understand that fairness doesn't always mean everyone gets the same thing. That's hard. And as parents, so many of us are asking the questions, am I raising kids in a world where accommodations and trophies and hours just because you worked hours, you get more hours, you're being paid out. So instead, I'm going to focus on one question that I leave you with. What does resiliency look like in your home? The ability to bounce back. To have that desire to help and learn and grow. What does that look like? Don't create hardships to teach them that resiliency. I'm not going by that, but give them love and secure boundaries and opportunities to grow in challenges because our life is not excuse me. Our job is not to make life perfect for kids. It's to help prepare them for a life that's not going to be perfect and fair. And so when I think about what can I actually control? It's how I help them learn resiliency because I cannot, cannot control every encounter or parent or frustrated player or a decision that somebody else will make. But I can influence the conversations happening in our home, the behavior that we model in our home boundaries, how we respond. Because, as John Maxwell says in the fifteen Invaluable Laws of Growth and the Law of modeling, how we consistently show up for people in our lives is leadership. And so in what area as a challenge for you, can you be more intentional this next week? Because the only change right now that I'm feeling that I want and or can have is in that of our home. And resiliency is something that I want to be able to model and teach. But what is an area that you can be more intentional in? Is it focusing on how you're responding when something doesn't go, go your way? Is it having a conversation about gratitude or about entitlement? Is it reaching out to a friend that's struggling to model that intentionality? Or is it maybe something simple as asking for forgiveness from your child? I owe Hudson one from his asthma attack the other night. I challenge you not to just think of it. Right? You've already have an idea, but do something about it. Choose an action, decide when you'll do it, and then come back to it next week. To ask yourself like, what did I actually do? Because that is proving growth, personal growth and development for yourself because we cannot control everything happening around us, but we are responsible with how we show up. As you can tell, my thoughts are spinning out of love and curiosity and frustration and kindness. And I know I can say it like, I wish that every kid had a safe home. I wish that every high schooler had the ability to look in the mirror and say, oh, how am I best showing up here? I wish all of those things, but you can't control it. But how you can control is how you show up. And so looking in the mirror, maybe I do push a little hard, so maybe I'll be more aware of that. But for every person that doesn't like it that I push are two that do. And I can keep reminding myself that I don't have to solve every problem to make a difference. Showing up makes a difference. What are your kids learning about the world? By watching the way you respond to it? What are your kids learning about the world by watching how you respond to it? Uh. That's something. What are your kids learning about the world by watching the way that you respond to it? Not what you're telling them, but what you're showing them. Because how we view things impacts how we do things. And maybe throw this out there. Changing the way that you view the world and how you show up with your intentionality is one of the most important places that we can start. Thanks for hanging out with me and listening to my myriad of thoughts. I would love to hear yours as well. And this might seem big and scary to even start walking down that road of intentionality or resilience training or whatever that looks like. But remember, you can do hard things. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of the space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment. As we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things.
