Untitled - October 12, 2026
00:00:00 Speaker: Raise your hand if you ever feel as if you are go, go going, and yet would like someone to put some guardrails up. Remind you that you should not shrink in life, and that burnout is something different than simply being busy. Hi, it's Denise Talcott with the Working Moms Redefined podcast, and if you are watching on YouTube, you saw today's guest, Daphne Alwine raise her hand with all of that too, which is ironic because she helps all of us put up those guardrails. Daphne is a performance coach who brings an energy that you will be able to feel through not the airwaves, but the podcast form in which you are listening. And I can't wait for us to talk through what it looks like to be a high performer and yet be okay with rest. Things that maybe we should stop believing. All of these fun things that we often talk about, but we really don't nail down. And so Daphne is with us today to talk all things life. Daphne, how are you? Good. How are you? Good. Thank you for joining us. I absolutely adore you and your podcast. Tell us a little bit about yourself, how you got to be a performance coach. Tell us about your podcast. This is you. Oh. So, uh, twenty years in the health and wellness space. And I have to laugh because it's, it's hard to say twenty years sometimes or whatever, you know, start as a collegiate athlete and just found my passion in pushing people forward. I thought I wanted to be a physical therapist, but then I went into more PT health and fitness and particularly found myself adhered to high pressure, high output folks, my attorneys and litigators at large, and then worked my way into the corporate space. So I really have a soft spot for the people who love stress and kind of eat stress for breakfast, I have to tell you. But in twenty years, like what I've learned in and hone because we all started generalist. And what we're doing right is it wasn't just about health and wellness. It was it was about mindset. It was about the physiology and what, you know, what our history of physiology is, and more recently, the nervous system. So for me, like realizing that there is no space out there where those three things are being addressed as a whole human focus. This is where podcasting came in for me is because I feel like there was this big gap where, you know, there's tons of self-help people out there, you know, and in self-help is like a general diet, right? Works for some people. It doesn't. But this like, was this opportunity as like, I'm growing with my clients and I'm niching down myself as I get older and become an old, new mom, right. That this was an opportunity to finally explain to people that you can't have one without the other. If you are not in a mindset, if you're not taking care of your physical body, and if you're not addressing your nervous system issues, there's always going to be that gap. Hi, my name is Denise and I now need to fix my nervous system. Yes. When you said eat stress for breakfast, it's funny because in my mind I'm like, okay, yeah. And yet I'm going to relabel it as yeah, you know, motivation. Tell us your podcast name because it's awesome. And how long you've been doing that. So this one calendar year now I'm really proud of myself because I really, this started as an opportunity to like just start having deeper conversations with more people because I'm having these conversations with my clients. And someone said to me, why are you not sharing this with the universe? And I was like, okay, you know, and then just bringing on other people who want to dive deeper. But my podcast name, you ready for it? Ready? Get ready for the beep. Um, don't And shrink. And it is a play on the fact that as women, when we shrink, sometimes we're considered more valuable. Whether it's physically, emotionally, mentally, we're forced to shrink. And that is the biggest misnomer in how to get healthy. I didn't even put that together. Yes. That is so, so brilliant. And so what does that mean to you personally? Is that personal experience there? Absolutely. I was like this. I mean, this is a condition that we received as women. And I won't tell you how old I am. You know, like we grew up in the eighties and nineties, early two thousand, and it was all about being small and being cute and how much small we can be and how we can shrink and fall into this predetermined value quotient, right? So, you know, you've been in the you've been in the airwaves yourself for years. And it was always about like filling this persona, you know, fitting this, this thing. But we remember the models from our age, right? The smaller the better, the smaller the better. And it was like you were more palatable, more people liked you and you, at some point, you get to a juncture in your life and you're like, I don't actually want people to like me if they're not treating me well. So this is a tough spot. So it's really that reckoning that don't shrink. Is that reckoning where you say to yourself, you know what? I don't need to be palatable. Go ahead and choke. Oh, I love this. I will link Daphne's podcast in the show notes, but let's dive right in. You talk about how so many of us wear so many different hats, and sometimes it feels like probably we're trying to survive the day, which I don't love, right? Like I, I, there are days where I'm like, oh, this day was really hard, but we want to be able to look at all days with gratitude. And yet sometimes that is hard. So how do we know when we are operating from a place of burnout instead of busy? So in my world, when I talk to my clients, busy is an excuse. Busy is a distraction. Like anytime I ask somebody you know personally or professionally and they tell me they're busy, I'm like, hmm, busy. Mhm. Because what it is like somebody who and like, I have had the privilege of being a, a fly on the wall to some of the most impressive leaders, like in, you know, that, you know or don't know in the CEO space and in politics, whatever the case may be. And they operate differently. Like they don't care about control, controlling all the factors of the day, which is the chaos you and I are talking about. We're trying to control every element they command. And that's the difference. Like instead they show up and with their own energy, with their own time, they're choosing their investment. The rest of us are chasing our tail, just surviving the day. So that's like been the big thing that I had to learn and actually go back to school for, by the way, with like some leadership, like graduate work, because I was like, there's something different about this group I'm working with and I want to rise to meet them. I want to actually understand what they're doing at this executive level so I can support their health further. So it's that control versus command thing that changes the mindset that that really is the big shift. If I'm, if I'm giving, giving away the giving away the fortune five hundred, it's the, the ability to show up and command as opposed to control the elements in the room. How do we start shifting to more of the command versus the control? You know, it's funny because like, I know you and I talked about this in maybe in, in my podcast or when I was lucky enough to have you on my podcast, the, uh, it's the idea of standards, right? Like, whose standards are you living by? Right. If your standard of excellence every day is based on comparison. Then you're always going to lose. You're always going to be the loser in your scenario, because there is no way to compare yourself effectively to anyone else. But when you decide what the standard operating procedure is, you can win every single day if you want. It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Why aren't we doing that? Uh, well, I have a couple. I have a couple of theories on that, but I was like, I won't, I won't jump into the matrix on that one. But the very end, the very basis of it, is your nervous system. You are literally conditioned by your outside world, social media, the people you're around, and it's formidably easier to absorb everyone else's energy than to take a lightning rod approach on yourself, right? Because we're always sort of giving away that power to please whoever's standing next to us, right? And unfortunately, that's not something that just popped into our head. This is something that was conditioned into us either at an early age or environmentally or culturally, right? That we need to please the people around us to feel safe, to have the resources we want. And if we're not considered valid by the people around us, then we're not safe and that we can't move forward. Right? And that's, that's probably true when you're a child, right? But like, at some point, there has to be a reckoning when you're like, that doesn't really work. I never move forward if I'm constantly pleasing everybody around us. So, so good. I like to identify as a recovering people pleaser because, yeah, because there's that dynamic of my parents are still alive. So what are we taught our entire life, as you brought up, is to please our parents. And then it's like, but wait, why does Hudson seven annoy me so much when he actually doesn't do what I want him to do. It's because I wish that I could act like him through me. And it. It was when I realized that he's actually showing up the way that I wish I could have with, you know, throwing no caution to the wind and just doing whatever he thinks. Now, respectfully, of course, once I identified that, I was like, oh, I kind of actually want to be more like that. Yes, that's hard to transition. What's your first suggestion to maybe get those of us who are high performers, a more centralized nervous system? Oh, that's I mean, that's a really personal question. And I, and I say that in the way that you are dead on, it's the person who is annoying you who is your biggest mirror. So I think Carl Jung was, if you follow psychology is most famous for pointing that out, is that if there is someone in your space that's annoying you or constantly challenging you is probably a better way to say it, right? They're not, you know, because and that even that shift in itself. Not not thinking of it because our kids often are our biggest teachers and they come for that purpose, right? But if there is something specific that you are annoyed by a coworker, there's trends here. And I love having that conversation with clients because, you know, whether they leave one CEO position or CFO position someplace and they go to another. Sometimes I notice they're having the same conflict with somebody new. And I'm like, can I interject here and just bring some bring some perspective? I'd be like, remember we had that conversation about Joan and then like, sometimes like it hits, it snaps and it's like, there's a pattern here. So it's just like you said, it's like acknowledging the pattern that it is something you want to fill, you want to focus on. And you shouldn't feel guilty about taking care of yourself or evolving yourself. But yeah, if there is something that is annoying, you know, I, you know, with kids, you may never, you may, you may never have had the opportunity to ask questions as a kid or to make mistakes. And I think you and I talked about that too. But like, I had to come to the realization that perfectionism was something that was sort of a defense mechanism. And it is for, for most people and even people that I work with, like perfectionism is a defense mechanism because someone told you mistakes are deadly volatile. So once I figured out that was me and my daughter was starting to like come into that perfectionist thing, and it happens. It happens at three, it happens at four. You notice they stop trying things because they don't want to get it wrong. And then I had to double down and say, okay, I see what she's doing. I'm not going to push her, but I'm going to find a clever way that would make sense to a four year old. So we pick something neither of us are good at, right? And I say, how many mistakes can we make today? Right. Ice skating. Right. We took her, took. I took her to ice skating lessons and she was like, I'm not good at this. And I'm like, oh, good, Because I need you to make as many mistakes today and we're going to count afterwards. The more, the better. Okay. And just in just reframing it for her, because as adults, we're afraid to make mistakes like, and, and until you get to the point where mistakes are your friends, you can't move forward. You're stuck. You had shared that you sometimes ask your daughter, what mistake did you make today? At the end of the day, to reflect back, and I took that and asked my child that based off our conversation previously. Daphne. Yeah. And the face that I got from nine year old Sydney, when I first asked that question was like, why are you. How dare you ask me this judgy. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And she didn't say like, I don't make mistakes, but I could tell that was the underlying tone. Yeah. So then we went into the conversation piece around mistakes actually show that you tried something new. And as we talked through that, then she goes, oh, I did this, this and this. I said, perfect, you made a mistake today. Now tell me something that you're proud of yourself for. And that has been really super helpful. So I love that you're teaching us adults really to have a healthier relationship with mistakes and dare I say, failure because I actually don't believe in failure. If you learn something, it's a lesson. You learned a lesson. Does the recovering people pleaser perfectionist. They'll sometimes have to talk her through it self through and coach it. Absolutely. Yeah. But how do we stop chasing that perfection without lowering our standards? Well, I think I think that's sort of what you're saying. I was like, whose standard are you chasing? Yes. And I think I think that's a really tough reflection for a lot of people. Is that what is success to you? And even thinking about success in the framework of the steps to success, right? Because I have a lot of bush burners, as I like to call them, people who are like, why didn't why wasn't this yesterday? Why can't I take this pill? Right? And I'm like, okay, this is where you're sabotaging yourself. It's this idea that this is someone else's standard. Now, listen, if you were hired as a CFO to, to, to balance the books and you didn't balance the books, that's different. Right? But if your job was to like, you know, build this team and get the right people on the bus and to move forward, then there is a step in process. There's some evaluation, there's there's integration, those sort of things. So if you don't think of things as what is your standard, not somebody else's standard. And then working in that mindset that you're like, okay, this is what we moved forward on today, then you're going to, you're never going to know success because you keep moving the goalpost and you make it literally impossible for yourself to ever celebrate or feel accomplished or grow. That can be present in both parenthood. Oh, yeah. And business. Oh, God. I mean, look at any other parent at the bus stop, right? Like in that moment, right? You're like, everybody's comparing and it always comes from a place of insecurity. You would never care. You would never compare yourself to somebody that you that you didn't like feel insecure around, right? For whatever, for whatever reason, right? Financially, age, whatever the case may be. Right? So it is a reflection on you. It's sort of that Colonel young thing, right? Where like, if I feel my ego popping up right in this situation, which is really just a kind way for insecurity, right? To be to call it what it is. If my insecurity is popping up in this moment, why, like, what's the void? What's the hole? What am I afraid of will happen if I'm not controlling the outcome or people's perception of me? Right? What will I lose if I let go of control here? Where do you see that pop up for you from time to time? It's I hate social media. Can I say that out loud? I really like I actually hate social media because there is such a authentic disconnect. And it's, it's, it's such a weird relationship. I think for anybody who really goes whole hog on this is you are constantly tempering between who you think people want you to be and who you actually are. And if you're not constantly in that balance of saying, this is my truth, this is who I am, not who's going to give me more followers? Who's going to give me more clicks? You know, that sort of thing. It is it is tough work, and it is something that is talked about a mirror to you all the time, right? Where it's like, if I am not spending multiple hours producing videos, keeping people clicking on my content, like, but what does that say about me? Right? I'm actively asking my clients to not be on social media because it is pulling them away from what they're hoping to really connect to, to the other side, creating a bunch of content for people to connect to. So it's this dichotomy. So I'd say for me, that is where it shows up for me, where I'm like, I want to connect with people authentically and not not try to generate a persona that doesn't actually exist or pleases everybody. Right? Like, I'm happy to offend a few people maybe, but like that is so ballsy is not the right word, but authentic maybe. I think that people don't talk about that kind of thing, because we think that we have to be on social media, and we have to be keeping up with the Joneses, if you will, to be able to answer that question. What is success to you? And as I wrote that down to then like, make sure I'm considering that, yeah, success looks different to everybody. Would you say that you can identify success based off of. personal achievements, your kids achievements, financial achievements. How do you work through that with your clients to start identifying that? I think it's all dangerous, right? If you if you are projecting your success based on your children's performance, your bank account, things like that, that's a never winning battle for for a few reasons, right? It's the goalpost thing, right? Like with how much money you bring in, like, let's be honest, like if you are working wholeheartedly to generate income for a certain thing, what's the trade off? Right? Where's that time and connection you want with your kids? Or if you are trying to control the output for your kid? I had this great episode on my podcast where we talked about snow plowing. Do you know what that says? No. Please tell me more. Oh, this is the opposite of helicopter like parenting. It's called snow plowing. And I, like I had these two wonderful guests who wrote a book called Mentality First. And like it was so well, what a, what a come to realization moment when they were like, well, you know, the problem with parents and sports right now isn't so much the helicopter, it's the snowplowing. And I was like, go on. Snow plowing is when you do everything to make life easy for them, never allowing them to fail. Never. Just like we were talking about not, not giving them the chance to overcome, right? Because it pads your ego, right? If your kids are never failing, then somehow you feel better about yourself. If they're never scraping their knees, if they're never like being called out, if they're not always getting a pluses in something, right? Because we're silly enough to think that our ego is a, is a is a byproduct of, of their success. And that's really dangerous, right? Yeah. Like codependency. But on the youngsters, not. Yeah. Somebody that's so interesting. Wow. I'm going to use that sometimes when Hudson is a little bit more of my, um, eager to try new things, child. And I get nervous sometimes. Right. And we have scars and bruises and broken bones. And the next time that this happens, I'm going to say, well, at least I wasn't snow plowing. The truth is, as women, we generally feel more responsible for our children's well-being. Uh, success. What? However, you want to package it as women more than men do. So it's kind of interesting that men really encourage, like, kids to, like, take chances. And this is, again, we are talking in generality here because I know every dad is different, every family is different. But, you know, think about when someone walks in your house, right? And you didn't, you didn't spit, shine everything like perfect before they walked in. But there was a study done that people actually are less judgmental towards men than women in those circumstances. Right. We already sort of crafted in our mind a bias that if you walk into a house where a dad is a single dad and it's a little messy or like, oh, you know, that's, that's the standard that we, we, we project on him. But on the other side, if you're female led or you're a female house, right? Yeah. There's actually a judgment. Like she's lazy. Why didn't she bother? Like her kids are going to get sick. Look at this. What? Why is this house a mess? But it is a real bias. So I'm. This is not invisible. I think that's the other thing is like when clients are like, oh, it's all in my head. I'm like, no, it is not in your head. This is a societal norm. So we have more to overcome in the context that the reason we believe our kids success is our own is because there is a natural bias out there. So give yourself some grace and then choose and educate the people around you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be that. Don't be the judgmental person. Right. Like, yeah, I love to think and talk this through with our kids. Like, are you observing or are you judging? Mhm. It's important. Right? It is, it is now to a point, though, where Sydney sometimes is like, oh, I, I'm observing. And I was like, no, you inserted your opinion. Like there's a difference there. Right. And, but I mean, I would have benefited from that at a very younger age. But that's maybe what I would say is a habit that we are creating to have a positive effect. What daily habit might you suggest? That is one of the biggest ripple effects for women who want to feel mentally stronger, maybe confident, calmer, healthier? What would what would that be? I think it is guilt free connection with your own body, right? Like, so there's this idea that like, we need to make excuses for having a hair appointment or, or anything, right? Like we need to make excuses for like, okay, well, I'm, I, I deserve this, right? And if we can move into that guilt free space and the fact that like, this is not an elective, you actually have to take care of your health in order to take care of everyone else. So often the answer to this is when I meet with a client and I do this, my husband, who by the way, because I, I really want to push this, is that I ask, what did you do for your health today? So, so I reverse accountability them, right? And that doesn't necessarily mean a workout. That could literally be that you finally bought a new set of toothbrushes for yourself because you know, you're always the last person to buy things or think about yourself, right? It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes that's where it has to start, is that there is such a guilt surrounding self-care and, and even acknowledging what's going on in your body. We're we're programmed to suppress it, right? Hold it down. Nobody wants to hear it. Nobody has time for it. Nobody has space for us. So you have to start doing that for yourself. So sometimes it's making sure that your client remember to get themselves a new toothbrush, right. Or a new pair of sneakers, right. I can't tell you how many people who have just enough money. Then they then they need right? Who will never go and buy themselves a new pair of tennis shoes because, oh, I don't have the time. I'm like, no, there's Amazon. There's there are other ways to do this. So yeah, I've actually one of my favorite, like litigators of all time, I threw her shoes away after one of her sessions because I was like, don't come back with these shoes again. And she laughed. But she also appreciated the fact that someone just had to draw a hard line, that it's not that she couldn't afford the shoes, it's just she was in a habit of putting everyone else first, so she wanted to come back in two days for her next workout. Hopefully she remembered to order them. So I love that. What a good reminder. What a good reminder. Okay. As we wrap things up, if someone who is listening feels like they've lost him or her selves, whether that's between work and marriage or parenthood or life, really, let's be honest. What's the next right step for them to finding who they are and what they like? I think I think you nailed it like you said it without even saying it. It's curiosity, right? We are so afraid of being curious. We are so afraid of wanting more for ourselves. We're so afraid to ask questions. I find that the hardest thing is I love asking questions to my detriment. And obviously that's probably why I'm in the line of work that I'm in. But it's that I ask questions. I am like the external curiosity for other people. But once you start asking questions for yourself and you realize that you don't have to be in this matrix. You don't have to be in this loop. You, your real life is not your job, your real life. Believe it or not, is not just your kids at home. Your real life is the experience you're having in your body, in your world, because your experience on this earth can't be superseded by some sense of purpose. It has to be your experience and connecting with why were you here in the first place? Beautiful. What a good way to wrap up our conversation today, Daphne. Holy cow. Before we get to one of my favorite parts, the lightning round. Oh, how can people connect with you or work with you? Or what does that look like for next steps with our listeners? Well, if anybody has some real curiosity, I think that's the big thing is once people dip into that curiosity. So my team, our work is at lift l I f t Pro Wellness. That's our website. You can learn about the work that we do or who we're working with. There's tons of resources and even links to our podcast or my podcast now. So if you are curious and even on our website, the first thing you're going to see is a banner is a two minute questionnaire like question quiz. And what I love about that is most of us don't know where to start, but this is like a really cool, fun quiz to be like, that's me. This is where I need to put my time right now. Because I think we all have limited time and we feel guilty for spending it. So here's two minutes for you to get to the bottom of that. That can be the thing that you do for your health today. Yes. Two minutes check and then you'll feel that sense of success. Wonderful. Daphne. Her Instagram, Facebook podcast links are all in the show notes. Be sure to check those out. And yet, we want to know some specifics about you. Daphne, what is one wellness myth that you wish would just disappear? Collagen coffee powder? No, I think there's so many supplements out there. I could go on for days with that. No, I think the biggest myth is BMI, Body mass index. I run into that every time I meet somebody, whether it's, you know, at a dinner party or whatever the case may be. It's like, well, my BMI is this. And if you know much about the BMI scale, it's your height versus your weight, which really does not say much about your body weight or your health at all. And it was never intended to be. So I think sometimes people get really. It was really just a way to one link pharmaceuticals, like what's an appropriate pharmaceutical for your body weight, right? Like those things make sense. Anesthesia, things like that. But overall, that's not really a health quotient. Um, it can be, but it's not a be all end all. So I wish we could get rid of BMI or find a better use for those metrics. Love it. What is one habit that you never skip? Good morning. Snug. Yeah. It's like no matter how late we are during the day, there's like this grounding moment that makes me feel like a super mom. In case anybody wants to steal, my hack is crawl in the bed, crawl on that couch, whatever it is. And just like it's a, it's a thirty second, it's a however long they will because, you know, your kids are getting older, eventually you're going to get 10s from them. So morning grounding snug. You don't have to like do a bunch of mantra, do yoga, do a thirty second snug with your kids so that they feel grounded and your nervous systems can connect and move forward productively. I read one time where never be the first one to let go of a hug. Oh God. Okay, I will work on that. Yeah. So good. Because usually, especially like you said, when the kids get older, you think they want less or you're thinking of all of the things that you need to do. So let them let go first and you end up getting like 10s more of time. I test myself, like even just yesterday morning, I was, I was, um, hugging Sydney and I was like, oh, I would have let go right now. And then I counted how much more that we got. And I, I think it's just such a great activity to put in practice. So helpful. All right, I'm stealing that one. Thank you. Okay, good. No, I stole from you. You're good. What is besides your own? What is a podcast that you are loving right now that you think more people should listen to? You know, I like this working moms redefined thing. Um, no, it was like, I actually love this. This summer I had this huge opportunity. I have this, this great PR team in person who like, has connected me with so many cool podcasts and let me guest on this. And it is opened my world up in a way that like, I feel like I have a real community now. So I can like list all the ones that I really want to like, highlight what you're doing and how important that is because being a mom is tough enough. So it's, it's having that community, it's having that sort of place to start off. And we like as women, we are a network, right? And as long as we see it that way, I think maybe when I talked about this, but like, it's not about hierarchy, like who shows better than who? It's like I often listen to a podcast and there's like this great moment where a guest says something and then I follow them, and then I follow them, and it just builds and makes me feel like I'm part of a bigger community. So. And you are. We're so glad to be part of it. That's awesome. Thank you. Okay. Last question. Finish the sentence. Strong women. Dot dot dot don't require validation. Oh, hell. I had to learn that the hard way myself. The the need to check in with everybody every time I make a decision has cut me off at the knees more often than I ever cared to tell. So that has been my thing, particularly this year with with myself as much as clients is instead of waiting for validation, just trusting that I have the experience and the knowledge. It's one thing if I'm gathering, I'm gathering information or skill, but if it's a decision that I am solid with, I don't need to keep chasing the validation afterwards. Oh, putting this sticky note right here. Strong women don't require validation. Nope. Wisdom with Daphne. All wine, all wine, no beer. I loved that, that was so fun. So good. Connect with Daphne in our show notes. Be sure to follow her podcast. Don't shrink and remind yourself that you can do hard things. Daphne, thank you so much. Thanks, Steve. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of the space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment. As we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things.
