Untitled - September 14, 2026
00:00:00 Speaker: So many of us feel deeply with the statement, your mom trying to do everything right. And yet sometimes it feels darn wrong. You love your kids deeply. But somewhere between the expectations, the pressures, the to do lists, and that mom guilt of making you feel never enough, you might have started losing yourself. Hi, it's Denise and you are listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast, and we have a coach and author with us who uses that mentality daily. She helps women through her books and her coaching be able to reduce the mom guilt. And lucky for us, she has joined us on the podcast. Amber, welcome. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. And I'm so glad to be with your listeners. Um, yeah. So I am a mom of four kids. I'm a life and leadership coach. And, um, I actually worked in the air, the US Air Force acquisition community as a civilian for seventeen years. In twenty twenty, I found coaching and I was like, huh? Like, where has this been all my life? You know, like immediately I was like, oh, wow. I can actually question these thoughts that have been going on in my head for years. And I don't have to believe them and all these things. So I just jumped like head and heart first into coaching in twenty twenty and got certified as a coach and was applying in my own life. And then actually I was able to bring it into my job within the Air Force and started leadership coaching capabilities, which is kind of unheard of in the military, actually. But, um, it was, it was great to be able to do that in that environment. Um, but then last year, I decided to leave that, that career and really go all full into my coaching business. And when I did that, it seemed like a prime opportunity to really get all that I have learned and experience into the book, which is Escape the Motherhood Matrix. Mhm. Amazing story. Well done. Going out on your own is a feat in and of itself. So. Well, well done and congratulations. That being said, tell me about your story in motherhood. We'll get to the Motherhood Matrix and what that looks like for your coaching. But I want to know you as a mom. Yeah. Yeah. So. Well, you know, as high achieving moms, you know, it's seems like there's never an end to what we're trying to do. But, um, but yeah, I mean, I've been a high achiever most of my life. I would say, um, you know, I worked hard in high school and got a division one scholarship to play basketball at the University of Dayton. Um, and was all about that. And then from there, I went into my, my career with the Air Force and just kind of worked my way up into leadership. And at the same time that I became a leader in my organization, I became a mom for the first time. And at that moment, it was like somebody took those thoughts that had been running in the background of my head and just turned them up into the max volume. And so it wasn't just going on in my head. It was like I could feel it viscerally in my body, and I didn't really know what to do with that. I just thought, well, maybe this is just what motherhood is. Maybe this is what being a leader is, right? You just have to push through these things because that's kind of how I had handled it up to that point, was just pushing through. Right? And so I did that. I did that for years. Um, I got promoted, had another kid, got promoted, had another kid, right. And pushed down my thoughts and emotions for myself for years. Um, and it, it wasn't until my fourth pregnancy and in twenty nineteen, um, that I started really feeling like this more sad than I had ever felt and more angry than I'd ever felt. And I didn't really know why. Of course, now we could probably be like, okay, that makes a lot of sense. If you've been pushing down all your, all your emotions. Um, but I didn't, you know, I didn't know enough at the time. Um, and, and then it wasn't until March of twenty twenty which the world blew up at that time. Um, but my, my world blew up, um, with my family at that time because my, I was thirty six weeks pregnant with my fourth child. Um, and my four year old was put in the hospital. Um. At first we thought he just had strep. He had a he had a high fever. Um, we took him back. My husband took him back into the emergency room and, and it come to find out, he had a staph infection in his leg. And this is like right when COVID's popping off. Um, they, they suggested I not go to the hospital because Covid, I was pregnant. Um, and I just remember when my husband called me and told me staph infection, I have never been more scared in my life. Um, just felt like the fear in my, in my belly with my child in there. And, um, immediately I felt this like heavy weight of fear and then guilt that I was not able to be with him. Right. And like, I'm sure many moms can, can relate to that, but it was just like, wow. I mean, in all of this, this is what is weighing on me, the fear, but then also that guilt that I couldn't be there. Um, and then ended up, they gave him antibiotics, but he needed to get surgery because that wasn't enough. And so he had to get surgery. I couldn't be there. I was only able to FaceTime with him. And once again, that guilt of like, why are you not there? You know, thankfully, he was able to come home and, um, the next day after he came home, I actually came down with one hundred and four degree temperature. Oh, no. And as I went to walk to the bathroom, my I had fluid running down my leg and my water had broken three weeks early. And so I was like, all right, husband Vince, we gotta get to the hospital because I have babies pretty fast. And by the time we got there, I was five centimeters dilated. Um, thankfully, we were able to get my son out. Um, and he did have fluid on his lungs because he was born early. And so, um, they took him to, to the NICU and I told my husband to go with him. You know, I don't want him to be alone. But as my husband left the room, my baby and all the, the, the nurses and the doctor, um, I, I laid in that hospital bed and it was almost like this, like this, like zip, you know, it was like this, like blip in reality of like, this doesn't feel right. I was all alone. I was still bleeding. I had just had a baby in my belly and in my arms and all of a sudden gone. And, you know, it was I was in that room for two hours about by myself. And it was just like, what the heck is this? You know, and, and the only person that came in was the nurse to give me some food. And I just was just like, this is wrong, you know? And, um, so my, my son had to be there for a couple more days. We were able to get out. And then he actually had to go back because he was jaundiced. But eventually, once we got everybody home, I was like, okay, we're gonna, I think it's gonna be okay. We got this. Um, but then a couple weeks later, I had tried this different, um, lip cream and next thing I knew my lips were itching and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna throw this away. It's nothing. But it moved from my lips to my, to my face and around my eyes. And it was just like this itching that I couldn't stop. And, um, I went to two different dermatologists and doctors and removed a lot of foods from my diet just to try to figure it out. But it got to the point where I my face was like welting with these red welts, and I was only eating like lettuce and cabbage and lentils and, and it was just like, I felt like, what is this? You know, and, and I couldn't figure it out. And this went over a whole eight month process. Um, by the, by the end of the year, um, that December twenty twenty, I just felt like the lowest I had been in my life. And I was like, how can I don't want to do this for another week, another day and another month. Right? So, um, but I wasn't, you know, for me, it was like, I'm not going to give up. I just, I just gotta, I need to figure this out. But, um, thankfully I started working with, um, a friend who was a wellness coach and she had me draw how I felt. And in that drawing, it was a picture of me kind of crying with the tears running through the red and down to like a puddle of like, redness and, and, you know, and at the bottom I put um your you're not, you're a burden. You're not a priority. Um, you're not good enough. And so that was like, boom, like here it is in your face. This is what you've been pushing down for years and years, you know, and she helped me get more aware of that. Um, I was still experiencing the itching, but that was, it was helpful to see like, okay, there's something else here. It's not just this physical thing, right? This, this might be the physical manifestation of those things, right? Thankfully, I had listened to this podcast, um, and it was, and they talked about this program called, um, D s dynamic neural retraining system. I didn't know what it was, but I looked it up and I, and it was for people with, um, you know, chronic health issues to help them work through those by retraining their brain. And I was like, hey, I'm willing to try anything at this point. So my husband took the kids over a long weekend and I did that program. And right after that I said, you know what? I'm going to take myself out to eat and I'm going to try some foods I hadn't been able to try. And I bit into this warm pita bread and I was just like, and I didn't. And the itching didn't happen. And I was like, wow. Like I felt like a freaking superhero. Like something is here, you know, like this is something like I did, I healed something, I healed myself, right. Um, and then the, the itching didn't come back. The redness didn't come back weeks and weeks after I had, you know, had that. Um, and I also noticed several weeks later that that crushing mom guilt that I had felt for so many years was not there. It wasn't like crushing me, like it had been crushing me before. And I was like, whoa, something else happened here, right? And from that time, I just started diving like headfirst into learning more about my brain and my body and, and how to really calm and retrain our brain and body for safety. Um, so that way we can work through those things that have been that conditioning and that programming that has been going on in the background for years and years for myself and for women out there, many that struggle with this. I hate that you had to go all through that to get where you are today. And yet I'm thankful that you did so that you can share your story. Because if that's not a dynamic that I can't imagine, I don't know what is that is that is a lot and very well done to come out on top and make something good of it. Specifically the motherhood matrix. Explain what that means, what it looks like, and how it has it helped you? Yeah. So the motherhood matrix is what I call the constructed reality that makes moms feel like that they have to do everything for everybody, everybody else before themselves. Um, and that they really they aren't able to really take care of themselves before themselves and that no matter how hard they try, they still feel like they're never doing enough. Right. Um, and when I say constructed a reality, um, I'm really keying in on the lens through which we experience our, our world, our life, right? Um, because whether we realize it or not, our perception is highly influenced by the way we were raised, cultural norms, society, media, our experiences, and, um, those are in our subconscious mind and they are influencing us every day. And so it's really how we interact with those is really what's going to create our perception and the way we see the world, um, which, which impacts our thoughts, our feelings and, and our behaviors. So very well said. And then how do we get out of it? Right? There are so many high achieving women that might not even realize that we're in this matrix, but yet, what do we do? Yeah, yeah. So we want to create that, that safety in our brain and body. And so the first thing is really just like I have seven, I have in my book the seven Keys to Escaping the motherhood Matrix. Um, but the first one is really being, becoming aware of your thoughts and your beliefs because for me, like, just to give you an example, um, so one of the ones that was kind of running in the background for a long time is that I'm not good enough. And so for me, mornings were really tough with my kids because it was like, it felt like chaotic and that they'd fight or whatever scream or that could, you know, they didn't want to put their shoes on. They cry. And we're, I'm trying to get him out the door to daycare so I can get to work on time. Right. And I was running without realizing it in the background. I'm not good enough. So when they're crying, I'm making that mean that I'm not a good mom, or if I have to raise my voice that, you know, I'm not doing a good enough job. And so that thought was creating that reality for me. Right. Because then I'm going to get reactive and then I'm going to feel emotional. And then that's that they feel that, right. And so I'm literally creating the reality that I don't even want to create. But I didn't realize it at the time because I didn't understand that. Right. So now that I know that I'm really paying attention to the thoughts that are coming up, um, and, and also calming my own nervous system. So that way I can be more aware of those things, right? Because it can be very like, I mean, these are like split second things that are happening, right? It's autopilot. But, but the cool thing is, is that because of, because neuroplasticity is a thing. So neuroplasticity is your ability to retrain the, the way that your brain is wired based off of new stimuli and new experiences. So what felt maybe chaotic before, as I'm becoming more aware and, and calming my own nervous system, I can allow my brain to see other, other evidence, right? That like. No it's not. I mean, my kids are going off of, off of my my response. So if instead of like freaking out, maybe how I used to, you know, maybe being more playful, right? And seeing that, how that can like cause a different reaction and how that's possible. It makes me feel better. It makes them feel better. Better. Right? Um, so, so really creating those different experiences and having that different stimuli that's really going to allow me to retrain my brain around those experiences. Mhm. What do you see show up in the women that you work with that they've lost connection with themselves? Well, I think just growing up as a woman in our society, right, like we, we are a society of doing like that's what has been put value on is what are you doing? What are you achieving? Right? And there's nothing wrong with that in its, in its own right. But if that is all that it is, then then we're just becoming that right. There's we're missing a whole other side of ourselves, which is the being aspect. It's like yin and yang, right? Like the doing is a big piece of that. But there's also the being side that when those two actually are aligned, you are few. They're fueling each other, right? So like for me now, like I used to, if I had to put like, do a, do a talk, like it's like, I'm like, okay, I need to make this perfect. I gotta do my PowerPoint, all this stuff, you know, make sure I got all the perfect points. Well, now what I do is I don't, I don't start there. I go walk outside in nature and just like, see what comes up for me. And then when I sit down, it just starts flowing out, right? Like, oh, this is what they need to hear. This is what I need to talk about. This is, you know, an example that I could give, right? It just starts flowing because I've integrated the doing and being. And that's like, that's one of the keys in my book is the energy shift. Um, that's one of the keys is that we have been in society, men and women put into this box of like, what are you doing? And we're all in that masculine doing energy and there's nothing wrong with that energy. But if that's the only thing that we're using in our lives, that's why we all feel so very dis like unaligned, right? Um, and, and the good news is that it doesn't, you don't have to be fifty percent doing fifty percent being. It's literally like, even just like inserting a little bit of being throughout your day, you will feel a complete difference. Mhm. Yeah. So I found that for myself and for my clients. So some examples could be, you know, in the morning before getting your kids up, maybe, um, you could, you could just like whether you like, do something you like to do. First of all, that's what I want to say. I'm not going to tell you what to do. What I'm going to say is do something that feels good to you. Maybe it's stretching. Maybe it's just doing some deep breathing. Maybe it's turning on a song that you like and just moving your body, right? Like in a way that feels good to you, that is going to get you into your being energy. And then when you wake your kids up, do your thing. Um, maybe if you're at work and you're like, okay, I can sit up. I mean, you could sit at your desk all day and just answer emails and be on meetings. Allow yourself to give yourself fifteen minutes during lunch or during the day. Take a walk outside. Even just getting outside, getting in a nature setting, even if you're just around grass, right? Like that's going to get you into more of that being energy. Um, so those are just some examples that you can insert into your day. And I'm telling you, I've seen it in myself and in my clients. How much, how big of a difference, even something as small as that can, can make. What a good suggestion to go from alignment to go into alignment instead of an obligation. Yes. You talk about leading from alignment instead of obligation as well in your leadership coaching. What does that look like for you? Well, exactly what I just talked about, like I, I mean, even before I got on this call, like I was like, I don't, the old me would have been like, what are all the things that I need to say to make sure that I'm getting the messaging right. And that's, that's the, the, uh, the masculine wanting to control achiever, right? Like, um, but that's not really who I am, right? Those are like the tendencies that I had before of like wanting to control, but that's not who I am. And so before I got on this call, I, I did move my body, I danced around, I tapped on my body, right? Like I got in my body. And the cool thing about that is, I mean, that's another thing you can do whether you're at work or at home, it helps get you out of your head and into your body because once you start doing this, your body's like, ooh, I somebody, somebody's paying attention to me, you know, like, um, and so yeah, it's really instituting those kinds of things into my day. I mean, I mean, my kids, like I knew my kids were going to be, several of them are in the house for the summer now. And I knew I was, and I'm like focused on, hey, I have goals for what I want to do. So how am I going to, you know, create that safety, my body. So that way I don't get it all up here. And so I have been moving my body a lot more just in the last week because of that. So it's really tapping into yourself and thinking about what not even thinking about, like literally just being with yourself. What do I need right now? So many women, we do not ask ourselves that. And even if we do, it's like, it almost feels like a hard question, especially if you try to think about the answer in your head. So I want you to like, go into your heart and your chest and like, what do I need? What a good activity. And just take a deep breath and just see what comes up and, and things come up. And maybe you need to give yourself a couple more minutes if something's not coming up, but it's it really, that's where it comes from. I love that example and your application piece in it because it's something that not only you teach, but you also do yourself. So as you were being ahead of this call, what did come up for you in regards to what you feel like our listeners should hear? Yeah. I mean, I think the big thing is that I just want them to realize that there's nothing wrong with them, you know, because I used to feel like that, like something's wrong with me. Why can't I handle this better? And it really isn't you that's the problem. It's it's the the conditioning, the background noise that's been going on and that, and I want them to also know that we have the power to change it. Mhm. And I'm not saying that it's like some easy thing. You can just flip a switch. Um, but it's possible. And sometimes just even the possibility it can flip a switch in your brain to be like, oh, well, if that's possible, what else is, is there, right? What, what could I be? How could I be being, I mean, even just being more during the day with, along with your doing that you're already doing. Um, that's going to flip a different switch in your brain because I guarantee you the little amber inside the little Denise inside the little whoever's listening inside is going to be like, yeah, I do matter. I'm important. And when that happens, like you're going to start operating more from who you really are versus the trained you that's been going on. So well said. And for some of us, that might be scary, right? That is foreign because so many of us have been drilled in our brains as high achievers that if you're not doing, you're not doing enough or being is lazy. Yeah. Those are things that obviously are in my mind from the way I was brought up farming families, right? If you're not working, something's being left undone and working on retraining that is hard. So what would you say to those who haven't yet? Maybe let go of the version that really has done and served them well. Mhm. Towards something that is a little bit more different. Yeah. Well, the first thing I want to offer is that our brains, their job is to protect us. Right? So there's nothing wrong with your brain. If you're having thoughts of like, I'm not good enough or those kind of things, it's really just trying to protect you. So my brain, it wants it wants me to be accepted, which is why it's playing. I'm not good enough. And so for, for my brain, it's like, well, that's what keeps Amber safe because then she will be accepted by her family, the tribe, the organization, whatever it is, right? If she keeps striving for those things because. Right. So my brain's trying to keep me safe. So it's really opening your brain up to the fact that you can be safe even without that story or that belief, right? Because, I mean, I agree, I agree with you. Like a big thing for me, I grew up in Indiana in the country and it was like, I need to be a hard worker. I'm going to be a hard worker, be a hard worker. Right? And so that's kind of what put me on my path. And I had to face the issue as a coach. Coaching doesn't feel hard to me. Right. Like the business side. Okay, maybe a little bit, but like the actual coaching people that feels aligned. It feels it feels almost easy just because it feels like what I'm meant to do. Um, and that rubbed against my belief that I need to be a hard worker. So that was something that I had to really address and question, is it okay to, to feel like something's easy and still do a good job, right? And so the first part is really getting conscious about those subconscious thoughts because when we, um, take them from inside our head and put them in front of us, that's what allows us to really use that conscious mind to, to question them and change them. Um, so what I suggest for people to do is like, even as you go through your day, if you have like a little notepad or something, you could even do your notes app. But if you notice yourself in a challenging situation or just a situation where like you're not, you're not feeling as good as you want to feel, think about what is going through my head right now and write it down. Because like I said, when you write it down, it gets it from swirling around in here on autopilot in front of you. And then you can use your conscious mind to actually decide, is this true? Do I want to continue to be thinking this in this moment? Um, and, and it gives you that, that more of an authority versus like, oh, yeah, I'm just going to be run by this thought. Um, and even if in the, in that moment, you don't have time to think about all those things, just literally just write it down. And maybe later in your day, you take five minutes and you take a look at it. What good advice that's so good. As we get near the end of our time together, I want to make sure that you get a chance to give a good synopsis of your book, because your website does a great job. We have all of Amber's contact information in our show notes, so feel free to check those out. And we'll do our lightning round questions here soon. But I want her to get an opportunity to share your reason why, your desire, how easy it was, hopefully for you to write all of that good stuff. Yeah. So I never really thought I'd write a book, to tell you the truth. Um, but it really as when I decided last year to, to step into my business full time, I found like for the first time, a little more space in my schedule to actually do it. And I knew I wanted to get this information to other women that could be helpful for. And so when I was listening to another podcast and they had mentioned writing a book, and I was like, you know what, maybe this is what I maybe this is it, you know, and then I could literally just hand it to another woman, be like, hey, have at it, you know? And so, um, that's what really inspired me is like, I felt this pull on my heart that this needs to be out there. Um, of course, there's always those questions of like, who's going to care about my story and this kind of thing? But it was, it almost got to the point where it was like, how, how dare I not share it, you know, like, it's not up to me to decide who's going to take it. Right? It's up to the people listening. Like if they don't, if it's not for them, that's okay. Um, but I was feeling this pull to do this. And so, so I decided to write the book. And, and as we talked about before this hit record, like it was a very, um, transformational experience for myself just to even get it all out onto the page. Right. Um, and then to see it now, it's still a little surreal. Um, because I just published it in April. So it's like, wow, it really is there. Um, but in it, I give, um, the seven keys to escape the motherhood matrix. Um, and so I go into each of those and I mentioned the inner energy energy shift is one of them. Um, and then thoughts and beliefs is a big one. Um, creating safety in your body with your nervous system. Um, another one is your body, which, you know, through my own story, I used to think that my body was against me. But really, my body was trying to save me. It was trying to wake me up. Right? Like I couldn't go. I couldn't continue to push down because my body made it so uncomfortable. Right? And so it was really trying to help me. And I see that now. Um, but also around, um, helping, helping people with being her, being the you that you want to be now, not waiting until later. And what that does in the moment is it allows you, when things get, can get tricky or hard to be like, who do I want to be in this moment? How can I step into her even just a little bit? Whether it's giving myself like a pause and a breath or whatever that is. Right? Um, and then also tapping into like the girl I call the girl you left behind, but like the little you inside there that is like, hey, you wonder why you feel resentful and mad because you haven't taken care of me. And once you do that, then we can release some of those things, right? And then the last one is really taking action. And that's because all of this is information, unless it is implemented and it is integrated into yourself, right? Like I, I read books and listen to podcasts for years and I got great aha moments, but it wasn't until I actually started moving forward and taking action that I could make that I was able to make change. And so in my in my book, after every chapter is a little mission, you know, whether it's, you know, just something that you can implement that week or whatever, just to kind of get you moving towards action. Um, but also in there, I have the four P's to reprogram and this is really the tactical level stuff, right? Like the, the stuff that the small things that you can implement every day for like moms that have a full time job, whether you know, kids and, and lots of things to do, right? Um, this is the small things that you can implement, um, that do actually get you more in that being and also get you pausing, um, especially in those challenging moments and also gets that neuroplasticity thing working with the possibility. Um, so, so that's in there as well. Um, for, for more like just takeaways that you can actually start implementing without getting overwhelmed. And everybody loves that not only to change the way in which they view life for years down the road, but to be able to have something, those little nuggets, if you will, to take away right from the very beginning. So Amber, I can't wait. This is going to be so great. We have both the US and the Canada links in our show notes, if you'd like to purchase those. And then also if you send her a message on Instagram, she has some fun little things for you just because you are worth investing into. So she'll send you a quiz if you visit her on our Instagram link that we have in the bio as well. Um, are you stuck in the motherhood matrix? Because I think that's something that all of us want to know now and then an overstimulated mom reset to integrate the four piece framework, and the key in that is to do so without adding more to your to do list. Yes. Add it to my to do list because I am doing this now. Awesome, I cannot wait. Thank you so much. Amber, before we go, quick, quick questions for you. Simple answers as a way and fun way to wrap up our time together. What is the biggest thing that moms need to stop feeling guilty about immediately? Well, one is I just want them to know that the guilt isn't even them, right? It's it's, it's this thing going on the background. But I would say, I would say investing in yourself. Um, just because, you know, whether that's your time, your, your energy, your money, like investing in you, you are the heart, you are the most important thing. You know what I'm saying? And so when you invest in yourself, in any of those ways, it's going to overflow into every other area of your of your life. Oh, I love that. What's your favorite thing that you've invested into yourself? Oh my gosh. I mean, I invested in coaching stuff all the time because I, I and, and that's really what got me started on just this whole journey of rewiring myself and, and where I'm at today. So, I mean, the first thing I ever invested was a mastermind, a women's mastermind in January of twenty twenty. So right before everything blew up. And that's what introduced me to coaching. And I've never looked back and I've never regretted any dollar that I've spent on how I've invested in myself in that way. Love it, love it. What is the simple way that you enjoy reconnecting with yourself? I really love to walk in nature, so I'm going to say that that's, um. Yeah. Cool. Okay. Final one. What is the biggest thing bringing you joy right now? Um, my kids are at my oldest is thirteen and then I have, uh, ten year old, eight year old, six year old. And so just when they're all getting along and like, we're like playing a game or we're just like hanging out or we're singing a song together. And dancing like that brings my heart so much joy. So much joy. I love it. Oh, Amber, what a joy it has been to have you on the Working Moms Redefined podcast. You're going to want to connect with Amber, I know it. So you'll be able to find all of those details and more in the show notes. And of course, if nothing else is proven that Amber is agreeing that you can do hard things. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of the space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment as we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things.
