Untitled - December 24, 2025
00:00:00 Speaker: What a way to wrap up the year. Hey, it's Denise with the Working Moms Redefined podcast, and we are picking five more of our favorite episodes to help remind you that you are doing a phenomenal job as a parent. So many of you have listened to these episodes, and we pulled some of ours and yours favorites and put them all together to this day. This podcast started back in March. To this day, one of my all time favorite interviews was with that of Kate Kripke. She's a motherhood business coach, and she tells us what our kids need from us more than even super nutritious food, what we want to do as parents, what our children need most from us. More than five books at night, more than the right clothing, more than the right school or activities. even more than the right food we're feeding them, right? What they need most from us is a sense of being seen, heard, and understood. They need a sense of acceptance and a secure parent. And let's just talk about mothers. A secure mother is that mother who is healthy enough inside of herself to be able to stay psychologically and emotionally steady while all that crap is happening. One of the things that many of us who are high achievers were not taught to do when we were young is to make room for all of our emotions. We were not taught that emotions are okay. Sadness. Disappointment. Anger. Fear. Again, not necessarily because we had a parent saying, I'll give you something to cry about. Some of us may have had that parent, but we may have had a parent who was not able, in his or her. Take her own mother's for a moment, her own capacity to tolerate her own emotional discomfort. That when we were an emotionally uncomfortable, she would feel uncomfortable. And then the only way to take care of herself was to tell us, tell us as her child to stop crying, to stop being angry. And that might sound like it's not a big deal. Just find new friends or, you know, just look at the positive or here's a lollipop or, you know, whatever. The thing is, we were taught that sitting in and feeling uncomfortable emotion meant that there was something wrong with us, that something bad was happening. To be a securely attached mother, we have to make room for all of our children's feelings. We're going to set boundaries. It doesn't mean that we have to allow our children to scream at the top of their lungs in a restaurant or whatever the thing is, but the emotion behind the behavior is always going to make sense. And if we're not, if we're coming to that from a place of I'm not enough or I'm not okay, or I'm not worthy or less likely to take care of our brains and our bodies the way we need to to be really resilient, which is getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, having strong social relationships outside of motherhood, spending time in nature, moving our body. Learning how to breathe. Mindfulness. Practice. Play. No one knows how to play. Maybe we'll talk about that in a moment. But if we're not doing those things to tend to ourselves, which, by the way, sometimes also involves pursuing a career outside of motherhood because it fills us up and gives us purpose. If we're not doing those things, we're going to come to those moments, those challenging moments with our children when they're feeling a lot of big emotion, with so much depletion and so little resilience, that we are going to either get anxious about their feelings and micromanage or helicopter, or try to prevent them from feeling any discomfort and pain, or we're going to check out and we're going to either move away and disappear figuratively, emotionally or psychologically or physically means that we are providing a safe base for our children to come to both when they're feeling immense joy and when they're feeling immense pain. Long answer. But does that make sense? Beautiful. There is a moment that stands out in my mind of how I acted from a place of anxiety, which ultimately was deep rooted in the I'm not a good enough mom thought process. I my mom always picked out my outfits for school. Does that mean that I do that for my child? Absolutely not. I honestly, I do the exact opposite and there is a struggle there. Sometimes when I see the outfit and I'm like in my mind first thought, oh man, my mom would have never let me leave the house like that. Second, look at her. Well done. This is great. What a great way to express your creativity. And I don't correct her in saying like, you can't wear that. Go change. Is that hard for me? Absolutely. How did I get to the point to not let her. I messed up and there was a time where I said, oh, Sydney, you can't wear that. And all hell broke loose, right? Everything she cried, she ran, she went to her room, she went to her bed. And I was like, we gotta go. I did not handle it how I would handle it today. And it stands out because I wasn't in a good, healthy spot. I, I wasn't thriving, I wasn't investing into myself. When I think about to my son, the concept that you had shared about, uh, our kids are they think in are connected science based from zero to three. They think that we are the same. I struggled really hard with my son from zero to three months. He was, um, I mean, he cried all the time, angry, all of those things. When you said that comment, I instantly looked back and thought, well, of course he was, because I was angry and I was upset and I was experiencing. So how could he not feel what I was feeling? Exactly right. Not that it's no, it doesn't deflate the experience at all, but man, it almost makes it better for me to look back and say and give him grace and not look at him and be mad, for you stole the maternity leave that I expected to have away from me. Instead, look at. Oh well, you were just acting how I wished I would have been able to. Oh my gosh, there's so much here. And I'm so grateful you're bringing this up. I mean, my turning moment, my big mistake that scared the crap out of me was when my now eighteen year old was two and a half. I had a newborn. I think she was probably four or five months at this point. Uh, I had very severe postpartum anxiety after my first baby was born, not after my second. interestingly. But it it showed up differently. Like right. That sort of ragey thing a lot of us can feel like I wouldn't have described it as anxiety. I would have described it as just internal rage, anger. And I remember a time I was putting my second daughter to bed to sleep, nap time, and my first daughter, Kinley, who is literally there are two very different children and Kinley has been even-steven her whole life. She she does not have much range of emotion. My second daughter really likes to feel her emotions and when she feels it, she feels it big. And so getting her to sleep, having her sleep was like a godsend because it would be quiet in the house. And in comes Kinley with like a drawing she had made and she busts open the door, mommy, mommy, look what I drew and I remember. Screaming so loud that my throat hurt. And looking at her eyes. I mean, I scared her and I was like, what am I working for here? The the perfect household where your child naps between one and three p m every day because that's when they're supposed to nap. Quote unquote. Though perfectly well-behaved child who never disturbs me when I'm putting the. I just realized in that moment, like, wow, I am so far off course here from how I want to feel in motherhood because I was following these rigid rules and what my children, how my children needed to be behaving in order for me to feel like a good mom. I think we all get caught in this, but it reminds me a little bit of a something I use in my work a lot and with myself. Is this this statement, which, by the way, requires self-compassion. It requires vulnerability. It requires a willing to feel a lot of emotional discomfort to acknowledge this. But you know this as much as I do, Denise. We can't change anything we can't see. So what we're not aware of will control us. What we become aware of, we can quote unquote, control or do something about. But the question is, the statement is I say I want X, but I'm unconsciously committed to Y. I say I want beautiful, strong, healthy relationships with my children. But I'm unconsciously committed to prioritizing, getting everything right, to feeling the way I want to feel. I say, and we can do this in other ways. I say, I want to feel better in my body. I say I want to be exercising more. I'm unconsciously committed to feeling like crap. And again, it's the same idea. It's like the results of our life. They're going to show us what we're committed to. They're not going to show us what we want. They're going to show us what we're committed to. And confirmation bias will do this. So if I am committed to this belief that I'm not enough, if I'm committed to this belief that I am not okay and I am not not enough and I'm not okay, can look like I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not doing enough at work. I'm my children aren't well enough behaved. I'm not like all of those things. There's something wrong with my child. There's something wrong with me. If I am so committed to those beliefs that I think that they're fact, I am going to think, feel and act in that pipeline we talked about a few minutes ago in a way that's going to make the results of my life a direct mirror of that. And this is like an interesting concept because you said when you were starting, when you did the intro, what did you say? You said we expect ourselves to perform at one hundred percent. I actually want me and you and all of our listeners to take one hundred percent responsibility for our part in our lives, but not one hundred and one percent, not ninety nine percent, not one hundred one percent. Many of us who say I have to show up as one hundred percent at work or at home, we're actually expecting us to show up as one hundred percent plus some of the other people's one hundred percent, right? Not just owning our part, but taking responsibility for everybody else's stuff. That is not possible. So all of this is so fascinating because we may be moving through our lives, not really paying attention to all of these things that are under the surface. And when I use the word unconscious, really what I'm talking about is our hardwiring. What are we doing? How doing? How are we thinking that so habitual? It's so hardwired. It's so familiar to us that we are not even aware that we're doing it. I know I'm not the only one that has teared up listening to you in the time that we've already spent, so if that is you, listener, you're not alone. Community happens when we have these conversations together. And like you said, emotions have more to the story. It's like for me, I feel seen. I feel as if there is hope. I feel as if it's okay to not continue at the level in which I think I need to. I want to go back to your definition of confidence. What is that? Yeah. Thank you for reminding me. Confidence that the opposite of fear is not safety, it's confidence. Confidence as defined as I am okay. And I want to break this down to the literally the baseline of what we're talking about. I am breathing, I am breathing, I am here, I am alive, I am moving forward, I am okay. Confidence means I can feel hard things and still be okay. I can feel angry, disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated. I can make mistakes. I can do things that I regret later. I can feel totally incompetent. I can feel totally lost and uncertain and not know the answer and still be okay. That's confidence. Such a good interview with Kate. Another episode that so many of you messaged me about in asking, hey, can I have the questions that you asked Jeremy on your episode. It was phenomenal. I feel like I've said that word a lot now. Either way, a lot of you loved that. And you took those questions and you asked that with your partner. Well done. And in this clip, we talk about intentionality and the importance of it. Check out Jeremy and I on the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Sometimes we put people up on a pedestal and we think, oh my goodness, they are x, y, z. They don't. Couldn't imagine that they would struggle with this in their marriage. False. False. What do you wish? As a married couple that we made more time for? Date night. That's the only thing I would have said. Why? Why do you think that is? Like we spend one on one time. More often than not. But what is it about getting dressed up, going out, being a little fancy that you think or wish that we made more time for that? I think showing each other intentionality. Um. Out of our routine is important. As a woman, I would love for you to plan the date. Plan me what I'm wearing. Tell me what time to get ready. All of these things, would that go in line with decision fatigue? Right. I remember one time, and it was years ago, I saw on social media about this man telling his wife all of those things that I referenced. And I remember thinking, wow, I want that listeners. Do you think I asked for that? No, I did. I just did. Right. And it's like, why can't we do that without a third party? Or why can't we do that? And maybe some can. It is harder for others, but I love that. I suppose your thing too, because that's that was mine. But then you don't want to burden whoever's watching. And that's why I don't mind paying for a babysitter, because then it's not a burden. And you're helping a young student or whatever that looks like. But, ah. When do you feel the most confident in our marriage and get real with me? Like, tell me the truth. I think I know the answer, but I want to see if you're going to be really deep and honest. All right, give me the question one more time. When do you feel most confident in our relationship and our marriage? Oh, you know, do you need more time to think? Do you want me to reflect? Um, another thing that really annoys me about Jeremy. He already knows this, so I won't. The lack of speed. I like to think before I speak, and my brain doesn't work as fast as Denise's. So are you inferring that? I don't think before I speak, I said my brain doesn't work as fast as yours. That has been something that even just this past year, we've really like. We have the whole Punta Cana trip. Do you want to go there? No, no, that's okay, I'll do that. Okay. When do you feel most confident in our marriage? For the third time. I want to say when we're relaxing together, spending time with each other intentionally. Just you and I. Mhm. If there's giggles right now in your mind, it's because his love language is physical touch. And that was a very roundabout way of saying when I rub your feet. Sure. Okay. What. Mm. Mhm. What makes you feel unsure or distance between the two of us? Again physical touch. When we're not, when we haven't been able to talk a lot and fill each other in. Yeah. It really it, it feels distant. That's interesting because I would have totally thought that you would have said when we don't have sex as often as you would like. I mean that too. But I'm. I'm proud of you for going to conversation first. Give me straight up answer. Is that one hundred percent truthful like that? Yes. Okay. See, this is fun. I'm learning some things too. Oh, okay. Last thing in regards to marriage. Maybe. You know what? Don't hold me to it. We're not going to get into this now, but will be a great conversation for down the road. How do you think that couples would benefit from marriage counseling while using examples from when you and I did it for, what, nine months? Yeah. Um. There are so many different aspects of your marriage that you would benefit from counseling. And look at those eyes. They got big. It it really opened up a whole new world as far as being able to communicate to each other, um, our needs, our feelings. In a nice way. And being able to validate each other's feelings. Are you saying that sometimes. I'm mean, I was, you know, I never say that I am. Sometimes I'm mean, but so are you. and so are you. And sometimes I'm really nice. We can both be very direct at times, and sometimes we need to curb that. And I think we've been doing a very good job. For those of you who are into knowledge about people and assessments. So disc personality styles, and I'm telling you all of this to better explain our energy or our vibe towards one another. I am an I and you are a CS, right? I don't remember what we just talked. Maybe you were at SC because CS would be very much into the details. Nonetheless, you keep me more steady and consistent and conscientious and you look at more tasks and data, whereas I am more outgoing and more like love me and we work well together. In that sense. You're an Enneagram five right? Mhm mhm. And I'm a three. And we you haven't done human design yet. Nonetheless I share all of those things to give you a better understanding as to who we are and why we work. And at the same time don't work like sometimes we don't work. And previously we didn't talk about it and now we do. And as working parents, you absolutely have to because ask me how I know. And so as we transition to taking off the marriage hat well not really taking it off, just adding another hat, I guess. On top as to the working parent dynamic. I've not asked you these questions. And so I'm going to maybe adapt because I might get uncomfortable. But how would you describe a working mom? Go. I. There's so many different descriptions. Um, okay. How would you describe me as a working mom? You, you. No matter whether it's momming or working, throw yourself completely, one hundred percent into whatever hat it is that you're wearing at the moment. Um, just like all of the businesses that you have been a part of or started or run on a daily basis, you are one hundred percent dedicated to one hundred percent of your clients one hundred percent of the time. Okay, well that's lovely, I appreciate that. But as soon as you're home, you are one hundred percent dedicated to one hundred percent of us in this house. As much as you possibly can be. I saw your face. I'm starting to cut you off earlier because I'm appreciative yet. On to the next one. Okay, but yeah, you are dedicated. Um, I think that you, like you said you could say that about a lot of people. Most working moms especially. Absolutely. So that was a very hard question. Well done. You get the next one. How's that sound? Good. How did you, before you were married and before you and I met, did you have a vision as to what your life would look like and even what your wife or the parent of your children would look like? And when I say, look, I don't mean, you know, hair in a top knot, glasses because she's blind, sports bra on kind of look right now. So awesome. Like you just like descriptions. Um, the only thing I had to go off of was my mom. And there's the next scenario, right? Because that's all I have had as to how to be a mom is based off of my mom, and that's hard because you're constantly comparing, not constantly. That's not the right word. At one point, always in the back of your mind. Yeah, it's not necessarily as loud now as it used to be. So I say that. How would you describe your mom? We laugh. Why do we laugh? Because we love my mom. And it's very. Uh. It's it's a very different dynamic. What I grew up in than what we're providing for our kids and The relationship that we have between us and them. So how would you describe your mom as a mom when she was a parent to you when you were younger? In three words. She did it all. Did it all? Did it all. Three words. Okay. That's cool. So is that what you were looking for? Someone to do it all? I think so. How'd that work out for you? It. Really changed my outlook. How so? Because I realized that that's just not healthy. Mhm. It's a very respectful way to put it because I didn't know how you were going to go there and yet. you've stepped up. And when and when I say she did it all. Or you say that he means all of the house stuff, right? All of the laundry, the dishes, the food prep, the kids running here and there, all of that stuff, which is a really traditional for the way in which we were raised by our parents, my mom, the exact same, the exact same. And both of our parents have a healthy relationship and marriage. And with us, it's been beautiful. And yet I knew that I was going to need someone as a partner to help with everything. And I don't think I necessarily knew why at the time, but I have achievements that I wanted to do and that selfishness that maybe comes from that from time to time. You make it not feel as harsh on myself because you step up in those areas. But that's a dynamic of like, hey, I was looking for a woman that was honestly the only version of a mom that I've ever had. That's what I'm going to look for. And then. Hi, my name is Denise. Walks up and shakes her hand over a math tattoo and you're like, um, I don't know if this girl is gonna. I don't know if this is going to be how my mom is, and that's okay. Absolutely. It's been amazing for us. Percent amazing out of one hundred. I mean, I think we're high nineties. Okay. I was just I was just gauging. We may not have always been there. It took a lot of work. It took. Yeah. A lot of external help. Yeah. So as you view working moms, whether it's me, our family, our friends, what would you say are some of the heaviest or the hardest things that you observe, working moms handle or deal with? And I would have to say. With you especially, um. Trying to find that perfect line between working and momming and being okay with the one that you choose at the time. That was very wise. Do you have any advice as to how to be okay with choosing the one that we do at the time? You are where your heart is at the moment. And if if your heart is heaviest on work and you know that you know that you're going to be a lot better version as a mom. After you finish that last sentence on one email that you have to send out, then so be it. Just know. Just know that your priority is is right. I think I just fell in love with you some more. Okay. One of the most listened to episodes. It's not lost on me that we just went from Jeremy and I's marriage to Amy Hendrian, owner of Bailey's Coffee House and Fudge Shop, and she talks about divorce and what that looks like with three kids, and growing into yourself and being respectful and managing hard conversations. One of the episodes that completely blew out the analytics. Check this one out. Part of the reason that we wanted to have this conversation on the Working Moms Redefined podcast was to say, I mean, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so fifty percent of us are experiencing some of the things that you are talking about. And that is really hard. Then add on all of these other facets in your life friends, kids, family, business, business, owner, aspirations, all of these other things that make each of us, us. It's hard. It's hard to decide how much to put into each bucket. And you talk about how you are challenged from time to time, deciding how to balance your buckets. What does that look like for you today? Oh, gosh. My my balancing, um, since we've had conversations has I definitely it's it's improved. Um, because again I'm, I try to take care of everybody. I want to I want to see everybody, I want to, I want to be with everybody. You know, I want to have time with just my kids. I want to have time with my family. I want to have time with my friends. I want to have time with myself. You know, like, there's all. There's all, you know, and then also, I'm running a business. So then I have all of those buckets and all of those hats to wear. And I think that I'm starting to find more of a system because. I'm realizing that if I'm not taking care of me and the things that are most important to me, I can't take care of you and I can't take care of them, and I can't, you know, it's so I'm trying to really find that balance in when I have my kids from day one, this was the easiest bucket because when I have my kids, I'm with my kids, like, even, you know, scheduling time with a friend. I'll be like, let me look at my schedule. Because if, you know, give me some dates that work for you. But I'll have to look, because if I have my children, I will not go out to dinner with you while I'm having, you know, like, leave my children at home or leave them with someone because of having them fifty percent of the time. I, I soak up all the amount of that fifty percent that I possibly can. So there's that balance of right away. Friends. Family. Depends. Do I have my kids do I not? And and especially even like with work. Um, a couple months ago, I think it was, um, my daughter had a soccer game and I looked at my I was making out my schedule and there was not enough people. It was not my weekend. So it was dad's custody. Okay. But full time mom. Right. So we're we're still going the soccer game, but I did not have enough employees that would be able to work because they had things that they wanted to do, too. And I had to close my shop that day because my child will be more important in watching her soccer game. That's the balance that I have is the shop will be closed and I, you know, I hope and I really do feel like my community at Bailey's understands my children come first because it's always been that way since I've taken ownership. But I think just trying to find schedule in those moments and scheduling them in advance, you know, you see these memes all the time where it's like, um, you know, I'll see you two years on, you know, Tuesday, January twenty fifth. Like, yep, that's sometimes what you have to do. You have to schedule it out. But, um, I definitely think that I'm finding a better balance when I'm with my kids. I'm not at work. And when I'm at work, I'm not with my kids. That's one thing that's that has been a really hard balance and hard buckets to kind of to fill. Because when you're with your kids, you're always thinking about work. And when you're at work, you're always thinking about your kids, but it's just having that, okay, like, I know this is what my schedule is for today. I know that this is what I'm going to do, and then how can I fit in the rest to have that time? The time that I don't have my children is the time that I work on work things first. I schedule time with my friends and I also am not in this order. Sometimes I put myself first, which is very new for me. Even you know, a while ago I had someone say like, oh, you know, can you do dinner next Tuesday? Well, I could have, but I haven't had any, any time for a long time because of soccer and everything else has consumed my life with my children. So Tuesday, I actually is Amy's night, and Amy's going to take herself on a date. And Amy bought herself flowers that night and she got herself dressed up that night, shook herself out to dinner that night, and it was a whole thing. It was a whole, a whole thing. But I did that instead of with a girlfriend, because I knew I needed that time for me so that I could be a better parent, a better boss, a better mom. What does time for Amy look like? I love to read. I'm working on writing a book that that the book that I'm working on writing. It's taking me down a path emotionally because it's very much it's I mean, it's my story. It's my story of how I got from there to here, and there's a lot of emotion that's tied into that so that that sometimes gets pushed to the back burner. But a lot of times I take walks. I'm walking like about three miles every day. Sometimes I'll listen to music, sometimes I'll listen to a podcast, sometimes I don't take anything and it's just my time just to think and just to kind of decompress. Um, I'll call my mom, talk to my mom on the phone. To me, that's self-care. It's not necessarily going getting a pedicure. Sometimes it does look like that. Going to dinner, buying yourself flowers. But those types of things are, at least with my schedule, few and far between. This type of stuff that's realistic, that's realistic. And I can't wait to read your book. Oh my goodness, how fun will that be? The next time you'll be on here, we'll call you a published author, Amy Hendrian. Some of the points of frustrations, the push and pulls. That's every working mom. You know that you relate to them. That's part of the reason why you're Bailey's Coffee House and Fudge Shop is so successful is because people feel lighter when they leave there. You're the first person to spread cheer by giving them a cup of coffee and the wee early hours of the morning. And yet, how do you navigate those boundaries between work and motherhood? By first straight up saying, like, my kids come first, no matter what, but for from my perspective at least watching you navigate this, you don't feel guilty about it. Sometimes I feel guilty sometimes and saying that out loud like I feel weird about it. I don't necessarily feel bad, but sometimes I think I choose work over kids and I don't love that. Does that teach them things? Absolutely. But just last night, I had an hour to myself. One child was going to be a basketball camp. The other one was at football practice. And Hudson looked me in the eyes and said, but mom, you're you're not going to my football practice and you want to talk about, like, heart wrenching. Pull my heart out. And I'm like, but I'll be able to show up better when you get home, because I'll get an hour of work done that I put off because I needed a hair appointment while you're there, so that you can have an even more fun time with me when you get back home. And man, I let that eat at me and Jeremy on his way out. Thank God for him. Thank God he said. Denise, it's practice. I didn't go to Sydney's volleyball practices. Not one. I didn't go to her softball practices, not one. And in that moment, as I was peeing on the toilet, I looked at him and I said, thank you. I wouldn't have gotten there. My brain literally was not going to go there. I went down that guilt and shame trap. Listening to you, you don't have that person to coach you right now, right? That ex-husband who loves your kids as much as you do. There's not anybody going to love them the same way as that person. You coach yourself through that time and time again, and that's where I see your strength. So again, we're just getting off on all of these tangents. But I think back, as is that hard draw line, how you really navigate work and motherhood the best. I think I think I have to, because if you look at it, even Jeremy, as an example, and this might get some backlash, I don't know. This is how I feel. Men have it so different than women because him saying, well, I didn't go to this and I didn't go to that. What dad does really, you know, like most of the men, you know, society has taught us that men go to work and they make the money, and the mom is supposed to stay home and and do all the things. That's how society taught us. Especially like, for me growing up, that's just how it was. So now the whole part of the guilt being, you know, the woman guilt is, is real. Mom guilt is real. And I have it. There are times I have it where I'm thinking, um, you know, like, Jefferson has a soccer tournament that's going to be in Florida in December. And I said, there's no way I can go. And that makes me feel guilty because my son's playing soccer and it's a big tournament. And it's like a, you know, a special opportunity for him. Also, the other side of my brain reminds me he's thirteen. You have plenty more soccer tournaments. You have plenty more things that you'll be able to go to. It's one weekend tournament. It's not the World Cup. I have to be both. From my perspective again, the man who just can, you know, not have that guilt. And the woman that does. I have to be both because I don't have that counterpart. Like you're saying. That's what I think I have been struggling with the most lately, is I'm so overwhelmed because I have all these feelings, because I have to feel it from both sides. I have to feel like, okay, I really want to be there, okay? But realistically, I mean, you can't I really want to do this, okay? Realistically though, you can't like it's there is there is that guilt. But if I allow that to consume me, then I'm going to lose me. And I can't lose me because then my kids aren't getting the mom that they deserve. So I don't allow myself to have that guilt because my children know at the end of the day, I make sure my children know at the end of the day how much they are loved and how much I am doing. And I explain to them because I tell them all the time. Communication is the number one. Like the number one thing in any relationship, it's the key. I had a friend of mine, um, that I had met, right? Actually, when my ex-husband and I started dating, I started a new job and a girl. And I just clicked right away. And she had been married a couple years. I think their child was maybe like two or three, their first baby. And she just like when I was talking to her about this relationship and I, you know, I think he's the one and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all that stupid Disney stuff. I don't believe that there's one. But anyway, obviously. But she said communication is key to any any lasting relationship that has stuck with me, and not just with a man that has stuck with me for any relationship. Communication is key. My kids know at the end of every day how much I love them. My kids know how much I've been through. We literally have a text chain now that they're getting older, especially Harrison and I. Every day he will ask me, how's your day going? He he almost is like my counterpart because he kind of asked those questions like, that kind of gets you through your day. But he was like, you know, how's your day going? And I'll be honest with him. And when Abby asks me, I'll be honest with her. You know what did I literally sucked this person did this or that happened with this, or I was late here, or I wanted to do this and I couldn't, or I was supposed to have this, but this came up at work, so I couldn't. Like I let them know by communicating how I am. So that way they understand. Okay. Like mom's tired, you know, like she's she's got mom's overwhelmed. How come? You know. And then a lot of times, because I'm going to totally brag on my kids because they're amazing, they will ask, what can I do to help? Is there something I can do to help before you come home? Is there anything I can get going? You know, like. And now that Harry's driving and I know once Abby gets her license next month. Oh, my gosh, she will do the same thing. Like, can I run the store for you? Or can, you know, like, what can I get so that we can help out? But I think that helps alleviate my guilt because I communicate with them. This is what I'm all going through today. I'm doing the best I can. I don't know how many times a week I tell my kids I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes it's in a hostile. I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes it's a I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes it's the very snarky, sarcastic, I'm doing the best I can, but they always know they're loved and mama's doing the best she can. I love listening to you, and I think partly it's because your authenticity is shining. The version of you with your kids, the version of you on this podcast, the version of you as a business owner. It's the same. Your disk personality proves that to be true when it comes to your identity. You said so many gold mine comments in there, by the way, that assume consume what will assume and consume that that thought. I can't wait to go back and listen to that because that was really, really good with your identity. We kind of were redefining it. You have watched yourself change, both good and bad. There are things that you love about yourself and things that you're like, oh, I must stick that in a corner, as you should. How has your identity evolved through divorce as a working mom and entrepreneurship? Um, a lot. I mean, I can't even I don't I don't even know how to even really answer that. I would say at the beginning of this process, we'll just say at the beginning of my divorce, because that's when I chose me. That's when I said, no more. I'm choosing me. Moving forward, at that point, I was a chameleon. If you'd asked me like, what do you identify as a chameleon? Because I can change my colors, meaning my personality, to fit whoever's around me. How can I make you feel comfortable? Oh, you need me to be loud and bubbly and be like the comedian. Got it. I can crack a joke, like, without even thinking about it. You need me to be stern and disciplined. I can do that. You need me to be quiet and small. I'll no longer do that, but I could. I mean, like, back then. Back that. I'll be quiet and small. I'll, I'll, I'll. I won't even say a word like I could adapt. And I'm very good at reading people and knowing what you needed from me, and I would, I would adapt me and show up as who you needed me to be instead of me showing up authentically who I was. That has been something I have worked on for the last ten. We'll just say ten plus years. I think I probably started working on it before then, because I think that's what led to my divorce is realizing I'm done doing this. I don't just wear my my heart on my sleeve. My heart is my entire being. That sometimes gets me into trouble because I care so much about everything and everyone, and I'm evolving now to yes, I can still care about you, but that doesn't mean that I come last or that I come next. I can care about you while still taking care of myself. That is something that I've really evolved in, in trying to protect my peace and being authentically me is allowing myself to care. And also, my whole life, I've always just been an open book. I've always felt like I've had to justify myself or my actions, or to like, if I've made a choice, I need to explain to you why, so that you can see my point of view, and you can see that I'm not a bad person or something along those lines. Again, that comes from childhood trauma that I'm working through and setting boundaries with. I am right now because that's the point of this, and I want to help as many women and mothers as I can. That's the point of my book, is oversharing everything. Because if my story can help you or change something, that is one of my purposes of being here, I feel. But as a business owner, as a mother, I've evolved from being. Like I said at the beginning of this, I went from his wife and their mom. I'm Amy Hendren, and this is. This is who I am. What a beautiful story. A big thank you to Amy for sharing that mom guilt can and does come in so many forms. It's an emotional and sometimes non-existent weight that a lot of us feel, and a lot of us don't want to make another decision by the end of the day. And yet, every day the question gets asked. Mom, what are we having for dinner? Mom, what are we gonna eat? Nichols, owner of Bo-keys Kitchen, has provided us so many tips and tricks like, hey, if you're going to cook spaghetti and you need ground beef rather than do one pound, do five at once and then put it in the freezer. I feel like I should have known that. And yet here she is teaching us how to be better prepared and create relationship around wholesome food. There is so much societal pressure around food at any age. We've talked about this before. And can you share how your relationship with food has evolved over the years? Yeah. Of course. Let's let's go there. Um, I don't I don't think it's news to anyone that our culture, um, has for years bombarded us with that, like, diet mentality or that, like, these foods are good, these foods are bad. Um, and I, I've always carried a little extra weight. Um, so it's that from even a very young age was just, like, nailed into me. Like, what you're eating is bad and your body doesn't look normal. And all these just thoughts behind food and what, uh, in my own relationship with food has gone from just a very negative, like, shameful place. And I've really, over the past five years been able to, uh, transform that into more of a useful way of looking at food and realizing that it's fuel and not only for our bodies, but also it is for our minds and for our souls and for our hearts. So yeah, it's definitely it's definitely something that is a sensitive topic. So again, like if if you've ever had, you know, negative thoughts about food and eating and all that thing, just, you know, know that you're not alone. But there's also a different way to do things too. Yeah. Can you provide an example of kind of like what you used to say to yourself in your self-talk about food specifically? Yeah, yeah, I would say a lot of noise around like what foods are bad or like a lot of noise around, um, just even like, if you eat that, you will continue or you will look like this. Like. And it's very like this is the only way, like, very black and white thinking very, uh, this is the only way. Like, if you eat this, you will look like that. And that's why you look like that is because you ate this and it's just not true. Everything can be done in moderation. Yes, he can enjoy a chocolate chip cookie and chicken stir fry. We can have pizza and ice cream. Shout out to Shaq for the best ice cream on a Friday and not place guilt on ourselves. And yet, how do we stop? What was a turning point for you, Nikki? As I started working more with mom, more with food, more with the business. I would have like crippling anxiety going in and buying the amounts of food I needed at Sam's Club. Um, and then I would like have flashbacks to being a kid, like going with my mom and buying, like, all this food, too. And I remember feeling embarrassment, um, by the food, like, thinking like other people. What were other people thinking? Like? Were they thinking my mom was, like, buying that food for me? Or I would just have these crazy, shameful thoughts around it. And I think once I, like, really had to confront that because I was like, okay, if I'm going to do this job, which I I'm really, truly loving and I really am finding joy in, uh, how can I feel better about like, even just the shopping part? Because that was just creating all this anxiety for me. And it, uh, it just took like a lot of practice and a lot of healing. And, you know, therapy is great and there's just so many things that are there that we can rely on to help our own relationship with food, whatever that. However that shows up for you. For me, at the time, it was just it was making it very difficult to even, like complete the jobs I needed to because I was like, I have to go buy this now. I have to go buy this now. And then. It was just like, oh, if I keep buying the sugar, like, that's not good. Like, I'm, I'm a bad person for serving all these people, sugar, you know, and you just get these thoughts and you're like, where in the world is this coming from? And it was like years and years of the, you know, just the things that we've heard that we believe to be true. It was like all that subliminal programming in my life that just kept, like, manifesting itself. So I think once I was just like, you know what? I'm not buying into this anymore. My life really, truly changed. Thank you for sharing. I can Totally put myself in your shoes and know I bet I would have thought the same thing. You know, going grocery shopping and because we're so many of us are recovering people pleasers, we consider what the eyeballs that we don't know are thinking. My mom is was will forever be one of the best bakers ever. And I'm not just saying that because she's my mom. She's phenomenal. And some of you who know her, you're like, yes, she is. So I love to think about from time to time. I was not chunky in high school. Sometimes, you know, if you ever see those memes, if you do, I always giggle a little bit that say like, man, if only fat me in high school knew what if if how's it go, Nicky? Like if I if that if that was how I defined fat man. If they only saw me now type of thing like, yes. You know, when you're in high school and you're thinking, oh my gosh, I need to be skinnier or I am to my hips are too large, Man, I'd love, I'd love to have that body. But at the same time, that thought really doesn't enter my mind as much anymore. But it used to. And I love to joke about the fact of yeah, I mean, I wasn't especially looking back now. I was not overweight. Could I have toned things up? Sure, we all can. But I love to joke about the fact of like, my mom baked all of the time. It's a big deal that I didn't just eat all of the time because she's amazing. And I go back and I almost wonder now, is it because she enjoyed some of what she baked in front of us? Like she didn't bake it to give it. She enjoyed it. And I, I sometimes consider him like, man, that was really, really awesome of her. We are forever going to have meal planning and food be in our lives. It's something that's not going to it's not going away. And the relationship that we have with food eating disorders doing the work, all of those things are going to be on our radar, whether it's as a parent or for ourselves. And you've shared some of the struggles around food already today, and we're going to go an extra layer because women deserve it. And you want to share a story that you haven't really talked about a lot before. And I'm honored that you want to share about the fact that you actually did have an eating disorder in high school. I'm going to preface this by saying I went to high school with Nikki. I had absolutely no idea. None, because she showed up, as so many of us do, in a different way around different people. I was a chameleon. We've talked about how, you know, you adapted to fit what was needed. And this goes to show that all of us have struggles behind closed doors. So, Nikki, can you share a little bit about this eating disorder that you had in your past? This is a very sensitive subject. And if you know, also like if there's if you have been struggling with what you know is an eating disorder and there are avenues of help, there's avenues of, uh, things you can go down to, you know, see that path out. But, uh, yeah, definitely definite like binge eating type deal. And it was definitely, um, even in high school, too. It was it not that it was a reason why, but it was just like there were some kids, you know, kids that would make fun of me or whatever. And I just decided I didn't want to eat lunch anymore. And so I didn't, and I just wouldn't eat at school. And so that, you know, you think about that and it's like, wow, I did that for three years of high school. And I'm like, everyone's relationship with food is so different. And the thoughts we have around food and through food and what it is and what it means are hardwired into our, uh, just our primitive beings. Uh, you know, food is always been around. We don't have to necessarily hunt or gather it anymore, but it is still surrounded with, like, thoughts of competition, you know, like, oh, I'm gonna eat that, you know? So it's like a lot of these just, like, hardwired traits, like for survival are into our brains so much that we feel like we have to, you know, oh, let's I'm gonna I'm gonna feed myself because I might not get any later or, you know, it's just it is so hardwired into our brains. And I think once you have a better understanding of that, it's easier to be gentler with yourself when you're healing through it. The Huberman Lab podcast has a wonderful episode all about eating disorders and kind of the science behind it. We will link that podcast episode in the show notes, and I really do love the Huberman Lab podcast. Anyways, it's very science based when it comes to nutrition and wellness and health and all of those great things that so many of us really should learn about. And yet it's scary. It is scary. Let's talk about the power of food in regards to self-talk. I know that I spoke very, very poorly to myself when I was younger. I'm fat. Oh, this shirt makes me look fat. Oh, I look so big in this. Oh why, why, why do I look ugly in this? And I ultimately went back to my mind of I'm not doing something right. Like I'm messing up. I'm eating too much of this. I'm not eating enough of this, like whatever the case might be. And so what would you say to someone struggling with a disorder who might be silent or struggling with the self-talk that we're telling ourselves, which ultimately really is manifestation, Right. So I, I would let them know that you're worthy of owning your own relationship with food. It includes your intention behind it, how you utilize it, how and when you want, need and, uh, wish to enjoy it. Uh, when I personally took ownership of that relationship, uh, I was able to release over thirty years of shame around food, uh, that I had been holding in about myself. That was passed from my mom. My mom never had anything good to say about her body, either. She also had diet pills that I also took, like the and I, and I hate to say Denise, even at a younger age, is what you mentioned. So that's what scares me because I have girls, I have young girls and so. And who I never who, you know what they never they never, never heard me say anything like that about my own body. They maybe used to like as they were younger, but then they are so sweet to act that to and to be like Nicky, you're beautiful. Or Nicky, you're like, look at you, or look at this part of you or look at that. And it's just so, um, nourishing to hear that those things said, because it's like, this is proof that we still have so much work to do as a collective and as a culture around food, our relationship with food and the messages we're sending to our children about food and the way it relates to how we view and look at our own bodies, and that reflects onto others then because like when we're hard on ourselves and shaming ourselves, we we will see that and other people too. Or we'll, we'll assume like it's just thinking, like assuming like fat people are bad or you know what I mean? Like it's just ridiculous things like, like that where we make those associations somehow, some way we have. But this is what we've been taught. So we just it's like unlearning that and learning that we can own our own relationship with food. And it doesn't have to be negative. A question that or topic that often gets brought up is around that of screens. And what does it look like? What are the appropriate amounts? When should we do it? When should we not have screens? All of these questions and I can be the first to tell you I'm not the person to answer that. But Tracy with Screen Sanity is. And we pulled a clip of hers to wrap up our episode recap. You have a motto called Less Screen time, more Dream time. Oh, it's so powerful. What does it mean to you personally? Yeah. Do you know that feeling that you get sometimes when you take a shower or you're driving and you just have zen space or flow? That's what it means to me, is that you can actually screens can be amazing. We're not anti-technology. Maximize the benefits, minimize the side effects. But we can become so saturated by it that we miss out on the places to just dream. I'm going to share a quick quote from Lin-Manuel Miranda, who's one of my favorites, but he says this quote it was in GQ in twenty sixteen, but I think it really underscores a lot of how we think about this concept of dream time. He says it's good to be bored. Time alone is the gift of self entertainment, and that is the font of creativity, because there's nothing better to spur creativity than a blank page or an empty bedroom. I have fond memories of pretending ninjas were going to come into every room of the house and thinking to myself, what's the best move to defend myself? How will I home alone, these ninjas? You know, like Kevin from Home Alone. I was learning to create incredible flights of fancy, but in multiple situations, he said, gosh, if screens like this existed when I was a kid, I never would have developed the ability to do what I needed to do to then go on and write work such as Hamilton, because it just steals so much of that creativity and space. I'm imagining what our kids are thinking about when a screen is not in place, and I will be the first to admit, Tracy, I often find we have Friday Pizza movie night and they very much look forward to that. And I know that part of that is because they are able to tune out the rest of the world, and they zone in on this movie, which is great. One night a week, I can't imagine it happening all of the time because that dream time then goes away. Yeah, it's scary because think of all of the wonderful ideas that you have thought of, whether the shower time was the perfect example when you're not distracted. And for our house, Hudson is singing at the top of his lungs, and Sydney is figuring out her next hairstyle in the shower. Drake time doesn't have to happen when you're sleeping. It's really creativeness. And in addition to that concept of how do we get kids to ultimately be okay with being bored. What are some of the other key ways that you are really helping families bring that mission to life? Yeah. So screen provides three main things trainings, tools and tips. Our biggest passion is to help each one of us moms and dads in the trenches, or grandmas and grandpas, aunties, whoever we are, to not be navigating this on our own, because the biggest barrier in this is other kids around us, right? Like your school gave Sidney the laptop that wasn't something you necessarily chose. Or all of a sudden, when Sidney or Hudson's friends start having certain apps, that's what puts the pressure on. And so we provide these different resources to help make it so that people can create new cultural norms. We have cultural norms around so many other things, like it's polite to open a door. These are put in place because it's intentional. How can we do these things well? And we just haven't. It's come so fast and furious. We haven't as a society created that. So some of our resources, the tips are things like podcasts or when we do media that you can just consume our social media tools or different resources we have on our website. You can download to help with video games or things like that. And then trainings are in in more in depth in person ideally events. So things like our parent night kit or any school, any church, any community group can come together, have a we say you just hit play. It's, you know, totally packaged product for you, but then you can start to get a little bit of education, but also conversations with others around you so that you start to realize you're not the only one who wants to change the way that this is happening. And you're not the only one that is really dealing with some of these, dare I say, addiction to technology that our kids are experiencing. And so what are some of the biggest concerns that parents really come to you with? Yeah, I mean, I think it's all of the above. What's really interesting on this topic is most of the time, parents will come to us when they've experienced some harm. I just found out that my child was selling their ADHD drugs on Snapchat, right? Or I just found out that my kiddo, sometimes as young as age nine, was looking at hardcore pornography. What do I do? So there are all sorts of different harms that people come forward. But I think what's best is when people are able to come preventatively you know, when your kid is in elementary school and you're you can never start too young, right? Actually, tech issues, tech decisions start probably the day they're newborn. Am I going to show their face on social media? What information am I going to give? Am I the one who's going to share that announcement? Or did my my mom or mother in law scoop me on it? Right. You start even already having conversations around some of those norms. And so I think the earlier that you can come, the better. Ideally five years before you think you're going to give your kid a phone is one of the best times. You don't think it, but that's when you can get to a point of prevention, which is worth what an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Because you can set the expectations for your kids. You can have the conversations with other moms and dads without it seeming judgy, because no one's made those choices yet. So you can start to say, hey, what are you guys thinking? We're starting to think about this. So yeah, five years before they are getting a phone. Brilliant. When I if you're watching on YouTube, you probably saw my reaction. Like in my face. It's like, Holy crap, right? Because we're there. I just did. You know the quick math. Sydney is now not getting a phone until at least she's thirteen. And because that not only the five year thing, but it's like, what are why are we giving them access to things when we as kids should not have had access to even the things, the little things that we did? And I'm not asking that question place judgment by any means. It's having the conversation around, what do we do? Because now it's here. This technology is happening off the mic before you record it. And hopefully we get to this later, you know, where is a safe place to put technology for kids. And again, I'll ask that question, but what are some really quick, maybe small fixes that I can do as a parent that to reduce the screen time because it's already there, and some of us feel as if it's a necessity. Day in and day out. What can I do or what should I do? Or studies like? Where do I start? Yeah, well, I think one of the things is you can just downgrade in a good way, the type of screen time that you have. So we can I'm sure we'll talk more about other tips and strategies for reducing screen time overall, but I understand we're busy. I mean, once this has gotten integrated into our life, we're busy parents. We have to cook dinner. We have to get the laundry done. Things like that. Now, first of all, we can say overall, how can you include your kids, right? So you could say, okay, great, give them a job in some of those things. That's actually very identity forming. But I'll say if you're looking for some of the quick wins instead of giving them a tablet, give both of your siblings an opportunity to watch the TV together. That's in and of itself a huge difference. Number one, screens are healthier the bigger and the further they are away. It opens accountability. It makes them more likely they'll be more likely to like depending on their age. Like build with Legos while they're watching a show on a TV. Whereas if they have like a phone or a tablet, it's like it becomes an extension of their body. But also, you mentioned you have two kids. If Hudson and Sydney actually have to choose together what they watch that's causing, you know, negotiation and then their co-viewing, if they're laughing at something, they're laughing together, they're more likely to develop some inside jokes. Another way of kind of downgrading the intensity of the screen time is to go to audiobooks. You know, anything that you can give. And I'd say this even with something like TV, if you can give your kids longer form content, if you know it's going to be twenty thirty minutes, you can give them something that's actually that length that they can absorb into a true story that is less, uh, dopamine hits than having them watch, you know, thirty thousand TikTok videos back to back. So those are just a couple ways, um, that you can, you know, go bigger and go far and make them do it with someone else or go audio rather than video. So wise I when you were talking about laughing together, it made me think of when my sister and I were growing up. We would binge watch all of the friends episodes. We would do that every Thanksgiving and Christmas break, and it brought me back to that moment because its connection, and we have so many inside jokes now around that, and we don't suck as people. Even though we watched a lot of TV during those breaks, you know? No. And you guys probably like I when my kids were younger and we loved dude. Perfect. Are you familiar with the YouTuber? Dude? Perfect. What I loved was when you can bring screen time to life. So my kids would want to do perfect and then it'd be like, okay, great. Sometimes we talk about like one to one. If you've done twenty minutes of screen time, try to go outside if you can, weather permitting for twenty minutes, you know, or maybe make it two times as long, whatever you want it to be. But okay, hey, we're going to watch this. But then let's see, they just did these fun tricks with ping pong balls. What can you guys do? And watching them bring that to life. So with friends, you guys were older, but you're laughing. You're doing these things that are making it come into the real world. Just yesterday with one of my kids, he was throwing something and we started laughing about Buddy the Elf when he had the snowball fight. So there's absolutely like mantras and meaning and identity that can come from these shared inside jokes and moments. And that is really special. While realizing that screen sanity is not saying no to technology and no to screens, I think maybe sometimes a perception is anyone that's going to teach me about technology is going to tell me it's bad, don't do it. Well, that's not you at all. It's how do we navigate a life now that is going to be here and continue moving forward? But it's hard, and especially for those parents, that maybe their kids have used screens more than they would like, and they want to phase them out of the house. It's hard. It is hard. How can parents who have already gotten into the habit to avoid the overwhelm go about switching out the tablet in other ways, like you mentioned to something else? Yeah. Can I emphasize first? It's hard. So like you said, I'm not trying to say this is easy, but it is worth it. So it somewhat depends on the age of your kids. If your kids are older, one of the top recommendations that we have is starting with family values. Having this is going to take a while to implement, but starting with one that says, hey, maybe go to your favorite restaurant, or you do a bonfire fire pit in your backyard and you say, hey, what does it mean to be a foster? And kids throw out answers, and if you have young kids, it might be like, we love pizza or whatever. And it's not. It's just a all ideas are good ideas situation. And then you maybe write them down. You put them on the fridge. It's not it's not Pinterest worthy unless that gives you life. But there's no pressure to make it Pinterest worthy. And then you come back around to it a couple weeks later and you say, hey, like at dinner, you lead with vulnerability. You say, hey, you want to know what I noticed the other day that I had this? One of our family values is creativity, so you should first call it out in your kid. Well, I saw you being kind. I saw you being this. I saw you enjoying pizza, whatever it is. But then you can vulnerably say, hey, I noticed the other day that I really wanted. I had this creative idea, and you want to know why I didn't do it? Because I got distracted by my phone and I actually really wanted to do that. Huh. Does that ever happen to you? Now, this is more like if you have kids who are teenagers, right? And then your kids will actually probably say, yeah, actually I've seen that too. And then you can start to have a conversation of like, I wonder what we should do. Maybe we can come up with certain hours or whatever. You can implement things that way. Another approach would be to apply it around the time of a transition. So maybe go on a vacation that's screen free, and then when you come back say, hey, we're going to start to have some different policies. Or when summer starts, we hear a lot of people who say, hey, the first week of summer, they make it screen free. This again depends on the age of your kids, and we're not. I'm sure we'll talk later about it's not just about screen time, but it's also about how you use it. Um, and then the other thing I would say is just know that it's going to take a minute. Our kids, like in anything, are going to test whether this is for real. And so know that the first few days, maybe first three to five days, Three especially are going to be hard, but then it's probably going to get a lot better. Um, and you'll get used to it. So that little bit of pain is going to be worth it for the longer term. It's been a beautiful year, a year of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. And if you did not know, we have stickers, we have Working Moms Redefined stickers. And I had to get the person who thought of this idea on the podcast, Miss Sidney Typekit. Welcome to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Hello. What gave you the idea to say that mommy should have a sticker? Because you're the best podcaster I know. Am I the only the best mom? Am I the only podcaster that you know? Uh, I think so. Okay, as you think back to a whole year of listening to the podcast. What have you enjoyed the most? Either you and grandma or you and daddy. Why did you like those? Um, because you're my family. Yeah. What is it that you want to say to all of the moms out there listening today? You can do hard things. She's right. You can do hard things. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of the space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment as we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things.
