Untitled - December 22, 2025
00:00:00 Speaker: What a fabulous year twenty twenty five has been! Hey, it's Denise and the Working Moms Redefined podcast was started in March. It was started in March and you all have shown up time and time again. We I so I get humbled and overwhelmed, as you can tell with my verbiage, when I stutter a little bit because I am so humbled by the fact that you all choose to listen. There are so many options for you to learn and grow, and so many of you choose the Working Moms Redefined podcast to do so. We have been able to maintain, because of you, a top twenty percent of podcasts across the country. What? Oh my goodness. Okay, so of course, at the end of the year we got to do a Spotify wrap up. And so because of you, we were or are a I'm looking on my phone for notes a twenty twenty five marathon show. So that means that fans like you listened to us for longer than ninety percent of other shows. We were one of the most shared shows. We received more shares than ninety two percent of others. And we because of you, I cannot say that enough. We're an instant hit show. Our debut season was more popular than ninety four percent of other new shows. Not crying. You're crying. That is that is a testament to you. And one, because I want to enjoy a very intentional Christmas break with the kids. We are doing a look back on the top listened to episodes of twenty twenty five and gosh darn it, if episode number one wasn't one of the top. And we really define what mom guilt is. And as you will soon find out in this next little clip, mom guilt is something that so many of us experience, and yet we are in community together, which means we are stronger in a force and we are lessening the weight that this mom guilt holds on us. Check it out. So before I even became a mom, I was introduced to the theme of what mom guilt is now called. Isn't it crazy? I worked at a radio station starting at the age of eighteen, and a gentleman there was talking to a woman, and I remember hearing them speak with me and overhearing conversations about this pressure, this thing that we now call mom guilt. And he described it as a feeling of when you're at work, you want to be at home, and when you're at home, you feel as if you should be at work. And that push and pull that so many of us are like, yeah, I felt that. I know, I know what he's talking about. Well, at the time, right. I had no idea. I was eighteen, I had no children. And it still stuck with me because now one, there's a name for it. And two, it's something that oftentimes we talk about more, but back then it was not discussed and it never changes. Right. So as I looked up more about what truly mom guilt is defined by, ultimately it is described as a feeling of not being a good enough mother dot dot dot. It hurts to hear it Right, because you are serving your children in the capacity and in the way in which they need. If you didn't care about whether or not you were doing good enough, then we have a discussion or an area of opportunity, if you will. But the fact that you're here and thinking, I want more, I want to serve them more, I want to serve them better tells me that you are doing a great job, but it does not relieve the pressure. That is mom guilt, right? And so as I did more research, it went on to say that we also don't feel as if we're doing enough for our children, or that we are making possibly poor decisions that impact them negatively. And let's be honest, really, we live in a world where we often compare ourselves and our tactics and our parenting to others, and that produces a feeling of inadequacy or honestly, negative self-talk. And we know the power that our internal voice has And I don't think, and this is just my opinion, I do not think the feeling or the pressures of mom guilt will ever truly go away. Right. It is a dynamic that so many of you I can't fix this, that so many of us will forever feel. It's inevitable. But how do we handle it? How do we handle the mom guilt? That feeling of feeling like you're falling short and nobody wants somebody else to feel like that. So then why do you allow yourself to feel as if this is the case? So rather than tell you, oh my goodness, we are going to make you never feel mom guilt ever, ever again. Well, one, I'd be lying to you. And two, I don't necessarily think it's a terrible thing to a degree. Is it hard to potentially admit that you don't feel good enough as a mom in some area? Yeah. And yet you're here, right? So many feelings or byproducts can happen when we experience mom guilt. Whether it's negative emotions of guilt or shame or regret or even sadness. Uh, internalized expectations. Right? Whether we put those on ourselves or our partner or our kids, they're sometimes our expectations that we have not clearly stated, which then only fuels mom guilt. It could have an impact on parenting. And honestly, like those situations there in your mind, they stay there longer than they probably should. And so that is where this mission has been laid on my heart to help working moms like you know that you're not alone. I was listening not too long ago to some statistics about and the explanations truly of being alone and the concept of loneliness and how those are two very different things. Being alone, you can be content and happy. Let's be honest, right? Like you're all moms here. Wouldn't you like some alone time? And that would provide, hopefully, a sense of contentment, a sense of peace. But loneliness is almost like a mindset. It's an experience that we are feeling. And I want to make it very clear that you are not alone in this journey. I don't want you to experience the feelings of loneliness in thinking that, man, am I the only one that feels this way? Am I the only one that feels as if I'm not good enough and everybody else knows what they're doing? No, we are all in this together. And although that might sound cliche, I also mean it for the hard stuff. I also mean it for the things that are not often discussed, right? Because we want it to be able to be said that we're raising good kids and we're thriving in our careers. Because, let's be honest, you can't always leave work at work and you don't and shouldn't leave home at home. We want and expect a life and career where both flow back and forth, a harmony, if you will. And that's the goal. Balance in life does not exist. This will be not the first time that you've heard. You will hear me say that balance does not exist. We are in different seasons of life. We want to create cohesiveness and joy, while also realizing that there will be sadness and hardships along the way. So the whole desire of this podcast is to empower working moms to truly break free from the grip that mom guilt has on us. We're not going to remove it. We are going to lessen its impact in a negative way, so that we can feel good about raising good kids and thriving in our careers. It can be done and not bud. And some days it will be easier than others, which also means it will be harder on other days, which I hope you know my heart. This podcast, like I said, has been a long time coming. I had a morning radio show for several years. It was in west central Illinois. I had a co-host. I've done it by myself. It was fun. But my heart at that point in my life was selfish. I'm not ashamed to admit that because I'm able to be who I am today because of who I was, right? And so at that time in life. Young, twenty I hadn't been married yet, going through all of the fun stuff that that entails. And I wanted to talk, to be heard. I wanted people to know me. I wanted to be seen. Now, therapists might say that that comes from a multitude of things, but I knew that I wanted to be in the spotlight consistently. And so, I'll be honest with you, my hesitancy in beginning a podcast stems from that. It is a pleasure and completely an honor when people are like, Denise, we love listening to all of your courses and your social posts and stories and such. Why don't you start a podcast? My fear was I was going to revert back to that selfish mindset. And as I worked through that, because therapy is a beautiful thing, I obviously came to the realization that I have changed so much from that, that my intent is for you and me. It is to empower women to know that we are doing good enough, because I have been given the honor to coach such amazing, high level business people, to know that ultimately, everyone, everyone or most people. I don't like superlatives. Most people feel a little ounce of I could do more or I'm not doing good enough. And so this is a space for us to be able to realize that we all feel that to a certain degree. And how are we going to handle it? I want you to feel validated. I want you to know that it's okay to be in your feels, and also wanting less and wanting more at different seasons in your life. We want to be good enough in so many areas. We want that sense of balance and realizing that we want that mom guilt to just go away. We want our kids to thrive. We want them to be happy and B children, because maybe we miss that lack of responsibility or to do list. We want them to be happy. And I say all that to say, and you deserve to be happy too. Our second most listened to episode was one of my all time favorites. It was episode number five with my therapist Sarah Simonich with Deeper Roots Counseling. We got into any therapy and lessening the weights through the stories that we tell ourselves, and we break down what it looked like to realize that I was not the mom that my mom was. And that's okay. It gets deep and you guys loved it. I have to make sure that I'm regularly taking care of myself, doing, like, what I say, my own work, and whether that's doing my own work on my own, whether it's calling my therapist and making sure I have regular coaching sessions with them. Um, just a safe place for an objective person to come in, because sometimes we will go to our friends, or sometimes we'll go to our family, and they're honestly going to tell you what you want to hear. Okay. And so it can be real dangerous sometimes where it's like you're just getting fed. Oh yeah. That person you you don't need to talk to them. It's like that may not be helpful in the in the moment. You may need an objective person to really help you look at yourself and how you're showing up in those environments. And that's where I think therapy really does. Um, it sets people apart in the sense of like, I'm not a friend. I'm not a family member. I'm an objective person that, you know, whatever you bring, I you just get to be you. You get to be honest. You and I get to help you look at laying all that stuff out on the table to see how you want to take your next steps and how I can encourage and support you in that. But being honest and reflecting, I always talk about a mirror in my office that sometimes you need to see a mirror and see the hard things about yourself in order to make those changes. And you do that in a kind way. You provide that validation that if I'm a woman wanting to go talk to a friend to say, oh yeah, you made the right decision. I know my intent. When I went there, I did that knowing that they were going to pump me up and say exactly what I needed them to say. I find myself in my phone jotting down, okay, I gotta I gotta talk to Sarah about this because I realized that I need a sounding board and the mirror to best show up in both work and at home. And that's hard, right? It's hard because also you're putting yourself in a position of being uncomfortable. How do you help people realize that you're going to have such a weight lifted that it's worth it? What would you say? How do you work through that? Yeah. Um, I think when it's kind of like, uh, how to how to describe this, looking at yourself and looking at the parts of yourself that you don't like, right? The things that we all know they're there, whether we're it's pride, whether it's um, oh, gosh, what else? Let's see. Um, like, we all have our stuff. Okay. And so when I have to look at I'm being a jerk, I'm being critical. I'm being this. I'm being that. I'm being unfair. Um, I'm just naming some of my stuff. Um, when I was going to say, I'll get that list out for me, um, when I'm showing up and I'm just not the mom I want to be, or I am not the therapist I want to be, or the wife I want to be. I have to look at myself in the mirror, okay? If I'm just going to blame my kids for everything, if I'm going to blame my husband for everything or all my ridiculous clients or blah blah, you know, if I start to look outside of myself to blame everybody else. I can't control any of that because those are people and things that I cannot control. The only thing I can control is me. And to understand in all of us that we would all love to believe that we are good, I am good, I'm awesome. I don't do anything wrong. I want to see a version of myself that's the best version, right? And oftentimes that's what we hear from our friends. Oh, you're a great girl. You're in the right. Like they acted that like. And so we get this I'm good. I'm the right one. And we tend to avoid all of the other bad stuff that I always say we kind of put back here. I'm like, I'll put it in my backpack. That pride, that judgment, that criticism, that inability to say that I'm wrong. But that's a that's still part of me. And if I don't look at that, I can't do anything about it. Therefore, part of what I say. Like I have to be able to control myself so that I can become the best version of myself. Part of that is bringing out. And I love the Enneagram in this. It brings out the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awesome for me to be able to look in the mirror and say, yeah, I disassociate, I completely check out and my unhealth I don't show up to life. Well. And um, then I wake up and all of a sudden I'm frantic because I have ignored that thing for like a month, and now it's in my face. If I don't look at that, I can't know that about myself. I can't do anything different. Right? So I always talk about, like, when we step into therapy, we are taking we're we're trying to gain awareness of ourselves so we can take ownership of these things, take responsibility for what I can control. That's what I can change in my life, is how I show up. Does that make sense of what I'm saying? Absolutely. And I want to give you credit, because how often listeners do we get the opportunity to see therapists as real life people? Not always does that happen. And I think it's important. I know from personal experience to be able to identify that because they realize you realize that they have areas of opportunity as well. And so for you to be able to share those things honestly provides your clients and listeners an opportunity to be like, that's okay. And then once you know, it's your choice whether or not to do something about it, I think about the way I was raised. I have a really strong work ethic. I've been telling myself that my entire life. And then I find out that really, as an Enneagram three and as an achiever, I do that because ultimately I don't necessarily feel like I'm good enough in some areas. And so then I'm going to be like, okay, I'm going to stuff this, I'm going to put it in my backpack, as you said, and then I'm going to go do more, and I'm going to go create more and I'm going to go get more external validation because that makes me feel good enough. And then as I store it in the backpack and you reach that goal, then the goal is not quite as sweet because I really didn't do the work on the journey. And one of the questions that Sarah had posed to me in the very beginning is what makes you authentically you? I paused there for a reason because I'm hoping that you are thinking through. Oh, what does that mean for me? And so then, as I did, jotting down thoughts and adjectives, and because I wanted to come back with a plan and look like I was awesome because I just want to impress my therapist and I did the work. And then I was like, I don't know. I'm doubting myself in in every area because then it was at that point in time where I learned that I adapt, or can I say carsten's? Maybe I'll say past tense. I adapted to the situation to best fit what others or what I thought it needed. And so really, the hard problem in answering that question was because I'd really never given myself permission to do so. So as you're thinking through that, and maybe you didn't even hear what I just said because you're still stuck on what makes me authentically me. It's okay to identify that and get that stuff out of the backpack, even though it might be kind of hard one way that you work with clients, Sarah, to be able to do that is through this thing called net therapy. I share this with friends, and I'm thinking, you guys have no idea what's coming. You have no idea. So from a very fresh perspective, can you kind of provide a synopsis as to what? Net therapy not to be confused with. ENT ear. Nose. Tonsils. Depending if you're a working mom with sick kids. What does net therapy do? How does it help? What does it entail? Okay. Uh, again, we have a very short episode here, so I'll try to keep it brief. Um, net is short for neuro emotional technique. Okay, at its basic level, it is a mind body stress tool. Um, we all have fight or flight responses, reactions that we deal with all the time. We get triggered and boom, I'm feeling I'm reacting this way. I'm feeling my panic is happening or whatever the case may be like. I got a text message from somebody earlier and all of a sudden was whoosh, you know? And I was like, oh, you know, like I have a response like, and that is what we call a neuro emotional complex. There is some kind of something stress response basically kind of stuck in my body that I keep going on a hamster wheel. Okay. So Netty, what it does is it helps us through manual muscle testing, which is just a very common practice with chiropractors and naturopathic doctors and things like that. Uh, a way to test your body, whether it's strength or weakness. And I basically kind of push up and down on your arm. Um, basically we're asking the body like, what is going on? Where is this stress? What's it about? um, and the body because it keeps the score. If you've never read the body keeps the score, it's fascinating read. But, um, our bodies are created to kind of hold on to those responses. So it's like a survival technique, you know, like some of those things are really important. When my mom taught me to look both ways before crossing the street, I want to remember that kind of response. Okay. Yes. Fear. You know, I'm going to teach my kids that it's an evolutionary thing. You know, we're teaching safety in that, but it also plays in the same role when we have trauma triggers and different things like that come at us. Um, we get attacked by something, you know, we get talked about who, you know, we end up, you know, stumbling on stage in front of our whole senior class or something like those things stick with us, right? And we don't necessarily want them to stick with us, particularly if we've been betrayed or if we've had, you know, we've been fired or things like that. Like, I don't want to keep living out of that kind of stress response. So when people come to me, um, I do talk therapy, but I also do what we call like body work. And so by using neti, we can help kind of relieve the the body of those stress responses by going through one by one we identify emotions um, and clear them out. Um, it can even go back to like original event. The body is very, uh, it remembers everything. It's so mind blowing. Um, I have this practice. I had this, um, therapy, uh, done to me. Part of my healing journey. I learned about it back in twenty fifteen. So I guess we're almost coming up on ten years of being exposed to neti, having it be a part of my own journey. And I was so moved by just the difference in my own body. My stress levels came down, my anxiety came down. I'm pretty sure I was able to save my gallbladder because I had stored so many emotions in there. Um, I was just angry all the time and I didn't realize it. And so clearing out a lot of that stress in my body moved me to. I'm like, I need to go get certified in this, and I need to become a licensed therapist so that I can do this with people because I really felt moved that talk therapy is a very and very important. But yet if we ignore the other parts of the brain where all of these trauma things are stored or all these emotional responses are stored, I think we're missing out on a big piece. Okay, let's keep rolling. Negative self talk. I saw a meme in a video the other day that literally said our lives would change. Our trajectory would be different if every time for only a week, every negative thought we said or had, we said no to. We chose to not believe it. What is the negative self-talk that you are telling yourself? Let's check out this episode where we talk about all that is when we tell ourselves positive thoughts, encouraging thoughts. We see it in the world, we act it out in the world, and we lean in to make that the person that we are. It is hard. Don't for a second think that I myself do not give myself a hard time when it comes to negative self-talk. I do it. That is part of the reason why this podcast was created. Remember, I wasn't the mom that my mom was and that's okay. Yet from time to time, not only do I still hear that teeny tiny little voice in the back of my mind, keep through. I find myself thinking, oh, if I did x, y, z, I would be there more so for them. Give you an example. Right before I recorded this podcast episode, the school nurse called me. Every working parent knows that immediate reaction that we have when the school nurse or the school phone number shows up on our phone Instantly. It's. What's wrong. And his tummy hurt. Hudson's tummy hurt. He was not feeling great. We went through all of the qualifiers, if you will. Right. Did you just eat something? Did you go too fast on the merry go round? Did you poop? All of these things. And then I see it in his eyes. And I say, buddy, you look like you're going to cry. Do you feel like you're going to throw up? No, mommy, I don't. Well, little did the school nurse know. I left for a trip or I'm leaving for a trip. I'm leaving for a trip tonight. I'm going to be away for twenty four hours. He doesn't like it. So then I asked him. I said, buddy. Are you afraid about mommy leaving? Are you going to miss mommy? And then, of course, his little face melted and he knew that mommy knew. Now again, mom. Guilt was felt heavier in that moment. Yet the words I chose after that could have totally changed the way that he viewed that scenario. I could have easily said, you're going to be fine. Go back to school. I don't have time for this, Hudson. Go back to class. Or did you poop? Why don't you just go try pooping and then let me know? Did maybe those thoughts cross my mind? That frustration of all of those scenarios. Not this time, but they used to. I used to think from time to time that sickness from the kids was a burden on me, and I'm sure they felt it. And in this moment, instead of giving in to that mom guilt that I felt of man, this would be easier if I did not travel for work from time to time. Instead, I looked at him and I said, buddy, I'm so sorry that your tummy hurts. My tummy would hurt too if I was gonna miss my mommy. And you know what? My heart is hurting because I do miss you too. Every moment of every day. And I can't wait to see you. I validated his feelings, guys. He knew what actions needed to be taken next. All he wanted was to know what what he that he was feeling was okay. I did not learn this overnight. I didn't even learn this when I was at the radio station. I learned it through marriage counseling and the power in which it holds, not only in marriages, but with that relationship with our kids is mind boggling. Now, who knows how the rest of the evening went? I chose not to check in too much because we know exactly what would happen. There would never be a moment of. Mom. Mom! Go away! Right. They were fine. Yet the self-talk that we tell ourselves after scenarios like that can change the trajectory of our day. It could have for him, and it could have for me. Did I find myself fighting that thought of? My mom never left? Much like we discussed in episode two. Yeah. Yeah. Not as much as I used to. Did I realize that I was showing them and equipping them with confidence to know that they can do hard things? You betcha. If I let that stuff eat me, if you let those thoughts, those negative thoughts eat you, that will become your identity. And your identity is your threshold. You either can't push through it or you blow right past it. What are you gonna do if you change the thought that you are telling yourself to. I'm not good enough to. I am good enough. I wonder, I wonder not only how your trajectory of your day would go, but of your life. And that is the same thing for our kids. When we live out positive emotions, whether that's through the self-talk that we tell ourselves or the words that we use, it shapes their identity just like it does yours. We are much easier to give positive emotions to others than to ourselves because back burner, right? Yet when we use positive words that produce feelings, positive emotions like pride or love or encouragement, their tiny little brains form thoughts that shape their identity. Think of the inside out and inside out. Two movies. When she infers thoughts from emotional situations, those become her values. So when we encourage prideful moments or lovable moments or encouraging thoughts. Buddy, that was amazing. You did a great job. Way to work through this day. He then believes that he is resilient. That thought of good job buddy, you did hard thing produces a value in him that he knows that he is resilient. When you give trust to your kids, they learn and believe that they are responsible. It's hard, especially for me as a working mom, because I've learned that I have a hard time trusting people. Probably out of control issues, might I add. Yet when I give the kids situations or opportunities to build trust. Man, that smile on their face is huge. One situation that we have recently been implementing with Sydney is on the weekends. After we put her to bed. I said, hey, do you want to read for fifteen more minutes all by yourself in your room with your nightlight? And then I'm going to trust you that in fifteen minutes, when that clock says seven forty five, you're going to put it away and you're going to go to bed. You guys. Simple, simple scenario. Simple way to test the trust has compounded not only in her ability to believe that she's responsible, but the confidence that she can do hard things and that she is building trust within herself. All because I let her take the ownership of reading and turning her light off when I asked her to. We love the positive of this for our children, and yet we both know that negative emotions also shape our children's identities. Why wouldn't it? It shapes ours. I mess up with word choice. Later, we're going to talk about ways in which we can swap words out to have more of a positive mindset, not only for our self-talk, but for the conversations that we have with our kids. And I want to let you know right now that sometimes when I get frustrated, I am not quiet about it. For me, not only is frustration Felt or seen through the words I use I'm a breath the. The sigh. My mom did that. I now do it to to the point where I don't like it. I don't like that I do this. I didn't like it when my mom did it, and yet I have a really hard time stopping whether this was the right thing to do or not. I asked Cydney, I said, hey, when you notice that I breathe heavy and you feel as if it is in response to something you did or said, please draw attention to that. I want to know might be hard and scary, yet I want to know. And she did from time to time and I've touch points with her. Hey, is that getting better? Either she's just gotten so used to it or she's forgotten, but hopefully it's because it has gotten better. Yet when we are frustrated with our children. That can generate a core thought of I'm a burden. Of course they think that they would be a burden after I breathe heavily like that. I feel like I created that thought process in them. And it's true. And I want to work on it. And it's hard. These things that you might experience that are negative, that shape their identity, you and I both know you don't want to keep doing it. And yet, if you knew how to stop, I know you would. You can't make a decision today and expect it to be completely fixed tomorrow. Shall I challenge you to consider? Is there something that you are doing that is negative action or phrase that is producing a reaction on your children's part? The word choice is important and that includes the removal of words in your vocabulary. I think back to when I was, it was I was either six or eight, I can't remember. But we grew up across the road from my grandma Sharon, and we were playing the diner. And at that point in time, on a landline, you dialed the number, you hung up and it rang the other phone in the other room. So for this scenario, we were in the living room. My sister and I and Grandma Sharon was in the kitchen, and so we were playing these diner. I was calling to order my breakfast that day, so I dialed the phone number. I hung up, it rang in the other room and I picked it back up and Grandma Sharon on the other line said, Dee's Diner. What can I get you? Hey, grandma, it's just Denise. I wanted to get. And she goes, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. She said, remove the word just in front of your name. You are a person of value. You are a person of worth. Again, I was under the age of ten. I hung up the phone. I was very confused and I thought, what just happened? Well, I wanted to keep playing, so I tried again. I picked up the phone. I dialed the phone number, I hung up, it rang in the other room and grandma answered and she said, Dee's Diner. And I said, hey, it's Denise. I just wanted to order some bacon. I mean, I wanted to order some bacon and I just want pancakes. I just, I mean, I lost it. I could not include the word just. And then my grandma said, Denise, remove the word just from your vocabulary. You are a person of value. You are a person of worth. Mind boggling thoughts, guys. Now if you're thinking, okay, wait, how can I apply that to my life? Currently, we're not playing Dee's Diner anymore under the age of ten, as maybe most of us wish we still were. Yet I think too, when I was in sales, I knew this when I was in sales at a radio station, yet I didn't apply it. I think about how many proposals I sent off with follow up emails that said, hey, it's Denise. Just wanted to check in and see if you all had any questions. I'm happy to answer any of them. Just let me know. Thanks, Denise. It's fine. I obviously did an okay job selling there. Yet I wonder how different it could have been if I removed the word just and instead said, hey, it's Denise. So nice to meet with you last week. I appreciate your time and consideration. Should you have any questions. Let's set up a follow up call to connect. Thanks so much, Denise. I'm not mean. I am not degrading. I am direct and still intentional with my words. And I removed the word just from the email. Now, I don't have any ROI or close rate comparisons to be able to tell you what shifted from those thought processes or those times, or what might happen for you. But what I do know is that when you remove the word just from your emails, from your text messages and your vocabulary, you give power back to your words and your self-worth. This is so darn fun. Okay. As we are getting ready for our next episode, I'm also looking back. I wore quite a bit of eyeliner. I don't really wear any eyeliner now, as I'm looking back on some of these videos. If you watch us on YouTube, I have some heavy on the eyeliner edges. So anyway, twenty twenty five has been a new year. Nonetheless, one of the best episodes that you've all loved was learning how Not to pee ourselves. Ladies, how dare we? Kristen Daniels Thompson with, uh, Quincy Medical Group is a pelvic floor therapist. She is near and dear to my heart and so many of you. And she gives us tips and tricks and really educates us on what is normal and what is abnormal when it comes to literally peeing ourself. I didn't even necessarily know what the pelvic floor is and why it's so important to our health. Can you elaborate on that? Sure. It I mean, it is a muscle that a lot of people do not necessarily want to talk about or acknowledge that it exists, but it does. Um, and it's different. I mean, it's a muscle like every other muscle, but it's also located in an area that isn't easy to stretch, that isn't easy to isolate or strengthen in an appropriate way. And you know, when when you go home from the hospital, you get the pamphlet that says, do your Kegels. Um, which is fantastic because you you have to make that muscle contract again, no different than your bicep has to contract for you to get food to your mouth. Um, but it also has to relax to allow bodily functions to happen. And it's a huge part of your lymphatic system. It's a huge part of the ADL that is sex. Um, and so it's it's a huge it affects every aspect of your life in one way or the other. It is just not a commonly talked about muscle. And but it directly affects a lot of your ADLs. And oftentimes as women specifically, we put ourselves on the back burner. So we're like, well, worry about that later when it gets to a point where it's like, um, I can't ignore this anymore. And right now that's hard and difficult. Things happen to help us and to really make us get to that point, one of which being pregnancy and childbirth. So how does that specifically impact the pelvic floor? Well, you are carrying a little bit more weight towards the end of the pregnancy. Um, in, in you have different ligament laxity in all three trimesters that affect your ability to hold your entire pelvis together. So your ligaments are there to hold the bones together. Your tendons are there to connect the muscles to the bones. And you do need everything to work together so that you can function at your highest capacity. Um, so put put extra weight, extra fluid. Right? Like, every system in your body is taxed when you are pregnant. Um, and so you add all of that together. The muscles are stretching in a way that they are not used to. There's more pressure on your back. There's more pressure through your pubic bone. Your internal organs get displaced by the baby. And so there are there's more pressure on everything internally. Does it go back to normal? I think about like, oh, okay. It's been ten, fifteen years since I've had kids. I still pee myself. So maybe it's not because of that. And I think I was probably one of those that said, oh, it'll just it'll go back to normal. And then it never did. It does it right. Um, you know, some people, it can go back to normal. I would say that is not the majority of people. Um, you know, your brain controls everything. And so we all have motor plans in our brain that tell different body parts what to do and how to behave and act. And so what happens commonly your brain maps as normal. So for nine months plus depending on how quickly you have your kids back together, depending on the taxing activities of your body after having the first or the second, and how many, how many come after, you know, um, I don't know that your brain always gets that motor plan. You don't just bounce back to that typical motor plan where everything works like it should, uh, prior to getting, getting pregnant. So the majority of the work is just retraining those motor plans. Um, and then I use the analogy, you know, they're back in the filing cabinet. We just got to pull him back out to the front so that, uh, wipe the cobwebs off of him so that you can use them again because you had them previously. So it's just a matter of figuring out how to make those connections again, so that then the right way is what is done commonly in your brain maps that as normal. We're going to get vulnerable here. And I think about I at one point had gone to three other physical therapists specifically for pelvic floor before Kristen. And it came to a point, like I said before kids, I didn't even wear underwear half the time after kids, if I didn't have a stick in those panty liners and or I would have like those ultra pads, because if I knew I was jumping, if I knew that there was going to be alcohol, I would have to prepare for that. Or I was going to literally pee through and in my pants. And that's how I knew that I was at. My breaking point is, when I find that happened, I had gone through the ultra pad and a girlfriend. I will never forget her. She came up and she's like, Denise, I think you peed your pants. And I looked at her and I said, I did, but there's nothing I can do, right? It was at that point where I was like, no, this is not normal, right? And it's not normal. How? Like, how do you convince someone who might be thinking, oh, I'll worry about it later? This is just normal for now. What would you say to them? I think you have to prioritize yourself when you can. You know, I think there is a lot more focus on self-care. There's a lot more talk about taking care of yourself. I think we do do a better job as a whole, um, of of acknowledging more of the issues that a lot of women face postpartum. Um, and so, you know, no pressure when you're ready to take care of it, come see me. Um, you know, but you got to do it when it's right for you. You got to be able to be in the place that you are committed to doing the exercises that you have the time to pay attention to what you're doing. Pay attention to what you're eating and drinking, and try to get all of the systems to work back together. And that is a time commitment. So you have to be in the right headspace to and have good support. You know, whatever, whoever that looks like taking care of the baby. You can bring the baby to the appointment. Don't care. Um, I'll hold the baby and talk you through whatever we need to do. Um, and then everybody likes baby snuggles, right? Um, and so, so it's it's it's all of that working together. So it's the right time when you're ready and when you can make that commitment to yourself. And while giving yourself grace in the moment of, you know, if you're listening and you have a two year old and a baby in your arms, you're like, okay, I need this, but now is not that time. That's okay. That's where I was. And right. I later came when the kids were four and six, and you could still help me even after that time had passed. So don't think that you are, um, teachable. That you cannot change because that's what meeting with you does. And then you think about, okay, there's got to be a better way to say, peeing myself. Is it like the technical term? Right. Is it leakage? Is it incontinence? What should I really be saying? Um. Both words are appropriate. Urinary incontinence is. Is what, uh, the insurance company would approve. Acknowledgments. The ICD ten code. I love it, I love it. What? How does you know with this? How does pelvic floor therapy help lessen the severity? Or even in my case, when I was peeing through ultra pads? Get rid of it. I mean, I can't tell you what a gift that was, but how does the pelvic floor therapy truly help that? I think the way, um, I think the way that we kind of we address the low back in it, we addressed the hips. In it we address your stress level. We address your nutrition. We address your sleeping. We address your hydration. Um, it is a muscle that is involved in so many bodily functions. Like I said, you can't just isolate it. Um, to be this independent thing. It is absolutely part of your entire pelvic system. And, and everything from the rest of your body comes out of your pelvis. And so we have to I think we're missing the boat as a PT if we don't acknowledge it as a system and treat it as a whole, um, as opposed to just someone telling you to do your Kegels, which we'll talk about in this. Kegels aren't always the answer, right? Like, your pelvic floor can be too tight and create an equal, sometimes more amounts of dysfunction if it is too tight. Um, and so so that kegels aren't always the answer. Um, and and quite frankly, both sides of your pelvis are supposed to work together, but independently, because when you are walking, you're standing on one leg and the other leg is swinging. So you need the hip and the pelvic muscles, meaning all of your glutes, your abs, your hamstrings, your adductors, your obliques. You need everything to work together, but differently side to side. And so I think it can't just be this one thing that we isolate and go after. I want to make it very clear, listeners, I did not get a six pack after working with Kristin because of how well she worked my abs. However, she did position my hips in the right place and I remember thinking, oh my goodness, no wonder because you explained to me how important. And then it was really hard. I struggled and I don't like not being able to do something. This was really hard for me to get that mind connection down to where it needed to be, to then also like rotate my hips. But one example, Kristin, that I will never forget and this wasn't for me in regards to what made it worse. But you explained how specifically with nutrition, right? You talk about that and the power in it. You had a patient who loved tea. She, um, came for urinary incontinence, and her primary issue was every time she drank tea, she would think a little, um, if not, go through the pad. And so, you know, the most common sense answer would be, okay, stop drinking iced tea. Drink water instead. Um, but that tea was her thing, and I try, I mean, every patient that I should have treated and everybody to come, I will say I won't take anything away from you. Um, you know, I'm not. If coffee's your thing. If Pepsi is your thing, if tea's your thing. Like, we'll we'll work around whatever your thing is. Um, but but in that. Then let's pay attention, make some modifications and see what we can do to make you as successful and get you the best outcome that we can. And so in that one day, um, I mean, I was at my wits end. I had tried everything, given her every exercise. I don't know, you gotta quit drinking the tea. But that wasn't the answer. Um, I emailed my program director with that patient's permission to make sure I hadn't missed something that I wasn't. You know, I checked all the biomechanical things off that I had given her everything. I was just double checking that I had done everything I needed to do. And, um. And then that next day, she walked in and said, hey, I made the tea today, and I didn't pee. And I was like, well, that's fantastic. Um, what do you mean you made the tea? So my fault for not asking better questions. I need to ask better clarifying questions. Um, and she's like, no, I don't make the tea. I'm like, okay, well. And she listed a local restaurant that she likes to frequent, and she likes the rice tea the best. And I said, well, great. Can you go there and ask them what they, how they make their tea or like what? You know, what they put in it. And, uh, she came back and they used apple cider vinegar in their tea and so that that was the trigger, that was the bladder irritant for her that created the dysfunction. And so, you know, her pelvic floor dysfunction, her hips were able to do what they were supposed to do in stance and swing while laying, while sitting. Um, you know, we had done all of the things and so but but some people have bladder irritants, some people have bowel irritants. Um, some people are not allergic to certain foods, but they have an intolerance. Um, and so you got to know what those are, um, so that you can have the best outcome that you, that you want to get. It's so crazy. Like I said, I will never forget that. And I, I know that some people, maybe most, however you want to identify it, don't always see the power in talking about these types of things. Right. I know I am a extrovert, I don't mind talking about it. Let's talk about it so we can get clarification and a solution and in turn find Kristen. But what would you say to those who are like, yes, I have this, or maybe I have this, but I don't want to talk about this. This is kind of embarrassing. What would you say to them? Um, if you can step outside your comfort zone and just mention it to your practitioner, right. Like, either whether it's your PCP, whether it's your ob gyn, a GI doc, urology, um, you know, a lot of new mamas will talk to their kids pediatrician a little bit more because you're in there so frequently with those with every three months. But those appointments and so at that, you know, I think, I think all practitioners knowing that there's a resource that you can send them to and it is not, um, it is not in my nature to discuss this all of the time and so, so readily. But the the number of people that we can have a positive impact in their life. Um, I'm okay to get outside my own comfort zone, right? Because, like, no one, no one should have to live like that. And it shouldn't be an embarrassing thing, and it shouldn't. I don't want any. Mama, grandma, um, aunt. Older sister who? Like whoever. If you want to get on the trampoline and jump with your kids, I want to give you every tool possible that you can do that. So again, whatever it is, jumping on the trampoline, being able to mom being able to wife, um, being a good partner, being a supportive partner to someone else. Like whatever that goal is. Um, that that is that is I would like to help you get there. It's just like, call me in, coach. Put me in. Yeah. Yeah. Said, is there any other symptom besides urinary incontinence that actually might signify or signal that, hey, you might need some pelvic floor therapy or is it truly that. Mhm. Um, no, that is one of many um any time. So there's stress incontinence. There's urge incontinence. So like, you know, you go to put the key in the door and you potty because you're like that close to the bathroom, or you get to the potty and you get your pants down and you start pottying before you actually sit down. Um, it can be any type of bowel dysfunction, constipation, diarrhea, IBS, anywhere in between, um, anything post-cancer treatment of any kind, um, all of that can the chemo and the radiation can affect how that system works. Um, any painful sex for any reason, um, is, you know, again, that that is a huge ADL for people. And it is it is significantly important and multiple relationships and levels of relationships. And so that pain during that is, is a problem. And so we need to try to fix that the best that we can, because pain is also telling you something isn't right. And so we don't want to create bigger issues or more long lasting issues because we didn't address it from the beginning. Um, like I said, post-prostatectomy any abdominal surgery, you know, even having your gallbladder out can affect how all of that works. Having your appendix out, um, having your tubes tied, having C-sections, uh, low back pain can sometimes be the pelvic floor is the culprit for the low back pain. Um, because it's all connected through the connective tissue, through your abs, through your pelvic floor, through your glutes. Um, and so being able to, to help with any of those things, I still do it from time to time. Don't get me wrong. Wasn't that such a good one with Kristen? And as we wrap up our top five episodes, the ERS are in no particular order. But, um, this one would be the number one and by a via lots, which tells me we need to do more episodes on sexual health and talk because we all want to learn about it, but yet we're not asking the questions. And so this conversation with sexual therapist Leah Hemming has hundreds more listeners than any other episode. And by golly, I am trying to find more. And there are not a lot. Now, that does not mean that I am going to get certified to be a sexual health therapist. But we got to do some more talking about this. Check out this episode. I think we did this in like March or April of this past year. Sexual health is is really from the hair on your head to the toenails on your toes. It is it's very subjective to the person. It's as unique as your fingerprint. So what I consider to be sexual medicine is specific to Leah. What Denise considers it is specific to her. Some people, Well, um, think that sexual health is one body part going inside of another body part. And, um, that may be all that that term means to them. To me, sexual health means my happiness, my exposure to sunlight. Um, my, um, laughing with friends. Um, in my world, sex is fluid. Sex is kind of everything that a human does. Um, whether it is, um, a smile to a stranger. Um, it doesn't have to be necessarily something that's intimate. It's whatever it means to you. It's. It's sharing a connection mostly with yourself and then deciding if you want to share that with someone else. You have me pondering the question, so what is sexual health to me, as I'm sure so many listeners are? And I think back to what I was taught by my parents, honestly, because that's the only perception. And then you go out on your own and you try to figure it out. And when the way in which you describe it, it's almost giving me, and I'm sure several of our listeners permission for it to not only be sexual intercourse. You not too long ago shared something on your social media page that talked about, you know, maybe intimacy isn't taking your clothes off. Maybe intimacy is taking off your. I'm fine. Wow. That hit because how many times we all know what fine really means? How many times do we say, I'm fine? I want to talk about it. I'm fine. When really, that is a level of a connection that kind of goes along with your definition of sexual health is when you show up as who you uniquely are, you're able to connect in ways that yes, I love the example of the sunshine. Yeah, I'm able to feel really great about who I am and what my body feels like. And of course, that has a sexual health and wellness undertone. I'm not quite sure as I'm jotting down what is sexual health to Denise. My answer in that. So I will get back to you. But I think it's going to be different than what it was prior to our our conversation. So cool when you jumped right in. And I loved that about the research and the education piece. And is there something that comes to the top of your mind about, man, I wish people knew this about sexual health. Well, um, I just wish people knew that it's normal. It's normal to have questions. It's normal to question yourself. It's normal to, uh. I feel like what is a common, um. What's a common statement that I hear is, is this is really weird, and I can assure you it's not weird. Is so subjective. Like, Leah is really weird. I can tell you that for sure. Um, so you know, what you consider normal for yourself is is often very weird to someone else. So that's a very subjective term. Um, but we are all uniquely weird, or we're all uniquely different. And that's what makes the world such a beautiful place. Can you imagine how boring it would be if we cooked the same meal every single day? And or we wore the same job every day, or we had to have our hair the same way every day. Or, I mean, just it's it's very fun to be unique. It's very fun to expand your horizons. And it's very fun to open the idea of sexuality and pleasure in ways that you never thought was possible. Otherwise, you could be eating the exact same meal three times a day for the rest of your life. One of the first questions I ask patients when they come, Um. Um, is is this causing distress? And whatever their, um, whatever their concern is or their chief complaint or whatever, if it isn't causing distress, then we kind of get to the to the root of it, of what can I do for you? Because for an order, someone to make a change, it needs to cause distress. Um, but sometimes we just need permission to talk about it and and share our thoughts. This is where conversations organically come from. Because instantly I'm like, how? How do I start giving the gift of what it might look like to look at different options? Right. You said, what's one to one is one to different, right? And there's so many times that I know I've googled it. I've clicked the articles that say, what's the average amount of time that people have sex per week? And it's like, am I doing good enough? Right? And so I click it and I'm like, okay, am I meeting the minimum? Am I meeting the minimum? And then ask yourself, why do I? Why do I care if I'm meeting the minimum for the essence of time? I can straight up tell you that I know at the end of the day after, as a parent, you have done all of the work, things you've attended, all of the meetings, you got the kids to where they needed to go. You made sure to have the meal on the table. Bedtime sometimes can be a little crazy and at the end of the day are my take is empty, right? That sexual desire is not there one. Am I normal? Right? Two um, I how how can I see that this is not forever? Because this is a season of life. But is it gonna be like this forever? You know, like, I know that people are asking themselves that. What would you say? Yeah. So, I mean, again, if you're asking it if if the fatigue after a long day of work and sports and and and all of the things is normal, I would say. Absolutely. I mean, at some point we have to rest and relax. And so when, when, when I'm talking to patients, I do get an idea of how much is already on their plate so that they can, you know, make sure that they're spending enough time. But the bottom line is, what you spend most of your time with is where you'll put attention. What's most important to you? You'll you'll spend your time on you'll make time for it. And yeah, that is one thing that we had discussed prior to this, is that sexual wellness is important for both women's mental and physical health. So how can that if I'm thinking, okay, at the end of the day, yes, this helps strengthen my relationship, but previously maybe that hasn't been enough for me. What can I tell myself that oh, this will also benefit me this way. Yeah. So it's I kind of, um. I kind of attribute it to checking in with yourself. So sometimes I. And I'll just use myself an example. Sometimes I'm, I'm kind of like, you know, I, I get all the things done, you know, that moms, women, working people get done, you know, try to go to the gym and you try to eat well and get your sleep and downtime and read and all of those things. Um, but no, you have to ask yourself, what is the most important thing to me? Well, clothing, you know, shelter and all of those things. But ultimately it's health and happiness. And so you mom has to take care of mom before she can take care of anyone else. Um, so Leah has to take care of Leah before she can help any of those five kids, before she can help my husband, before she can help patients, before she can do anything. So checking in with yourself is of the utmost importance. Becoming best friends with yourself is utmost importance. Giving yourself permission to ask the questions. Giving yourself permission to say, hey, I do need some help with this. Or hey, I've kind of done research on my own and I'm not able to really figure out answers on my own and giving yourself permission that you are completely worth it. If it's bothering you enough to change, reach out to for help. I mean, if my car started making a weird sound and not driving, I'm totally going to go take my car somewhere where they can fix it. Um, you know, and and you don't have to wait until something is wrong with your car. You know, I, I get my oil changed before my engine blows up. Um, so I'm being proactive with it. Just like I go to the chiropractor once a month, you know, just like I do. All of the kind of maintenance things. I get my colonoscopies, you know, to check for all of the things and the mammograms for all of the things. I don't wait necessarily until it's broken. And oftentimes we we do wait until it's broken and then we're in crisis mode. And, um, you know, you know, it's far advanced of what it could be. But the easiest way to treat anything in life is to prevent it. Mm. So many good things in that in giving yourself permission to be your best friend and speaking from personal experience. Right. If this intimacy is not discussed, there can be struggles that happen in your relationship. And then you're at a marriage counselor for two years then versus having spent the time to prevent what it could look like. And so then the question comes to mind is you have some really great examples as to what it looks like if time is a constraint, probably specifically more so with younger kids. Different though when they're getting older, you have tips and tricks one one could be even that you lock out time each week to spend one on one with your partner. Can you elaborate with that? Yeah. And and in in that conversation, it is very it is very hard to raise tiny humans and stay connected. Um, you know, I am at an advantage now because I'm my I don't have little tinies anymore. But it is very hard when you're sleep deprived and you're kind of new in the professional world and, and, and, um, finances and getting a promotion or however that looks or car repairs, that's a lot of extra stress. And it's hard to shut that stress off to go into kind of an intimate mode. But intimacy, because it can be whatever you want it to be. Intimacy can can even be holding hands, you know, just holding hands with a partner or spending time alone, or just making sure that you have time for what makes you happy. Not necessarily what makes your partner happy, but what makes you happy first. And so tips that I give for, um, parents or um, caregivers or however that situation looks is schedule it. Um, you know, I schedule time every morning when I'm getting ready for work to brush my teeth, and I schedule time every evening before bed to to floss and brush my teeth because it's important to me. Um, no matter how busy I get, no matter if I had a death in the family, no matter if I had to tell a patient some really bad news, I still schedule that time in the morning to brush my teeth, and I still schedule that time in the evening to brush and floss my teeth. So it's important to me. I'm always going to have teeth. I'm always going to have a threat of cavities. Um, it's important to me to brush my teeth So it it it's it's determined. It's helping you to give permission to make something a priority to you. Um, you know, just like any anything else, if it's important, you'll find a way to do it. So just giving parents permission to do that. Um. And I like the word selfish, but it's giving parents permission to put themselves first. Um, children are beautiful. We teach them so much, they're the future of the world. I mean, there are so many studies about the benefits of spending time with children, um, and how how much fun it can be. But it's there's a back side to that, too, and it's stressful. And so, um, scheduling date nights, um, you know, slipping a little, um, I love you text message throughout the day. If you love your partner, if you don't, don't do it. Um, slipping a note in their vehicle, you know, before they go to work, um, you know, slipping a little note in the underwear drawer. I mean, I'm just giving some examples, but I mean, writing a little love note on a piece of fruit and having it, you know, in their car when they go to work in the morning, it's that's sex, you know, um, it's it's whatever you want it to be given a wink, which I'm horrible at winking with, with one eye, but, um, finding out what it is and then just experimenting with it. Um, there's Pinterest has some really cute, really kind of fun little things that sometimes I tell patients or clients like, they'll explore that, um, sometimes just shutting the radio off when you're on a road trip and asking, would you rather questions? It's getting that intimacy. But again, knowing who you are first because you're the only one that really, truly knows what pleasure feels like to you. So sometimes it's getting back to the basics of that. And if we're strictly talking about sexual pleasure in in the fact of like, um, pleasure as in erogenous pleasure. Making sure you know what that feels like for you to realize, too, that not every time is going to be amazing. Not every day is a good day. Why would we expect every time? Sometimes we almost put too much weight around it. Oh my gosh, we're spiraling. We are not in a good relationship because the sex wasn't good that day. But this doesn't mean really anything, right? Yeah. And I and I have clients too, that I, um, we talk about that too, you know, just how long has the how long has the concern been going on? What else is going on prior to this concern, what had it been like? So just to kind of determine, is this an acute concern or is it like a chronic concern? Has this been going on since since childhood? Has this been going on since marriage? Has it been going on since the birth of a child? Has it been going on since a diagnosis of this? So kind of understanding where the, um, where the concern if they can kind of trace it back, but sometimes it starts all the way from what we were taught and what we've been exposed to. And so yeah, it's it's just like kind of peeling the layers of an onion back and getting to the core. Because sometimes there are a person's chief complaint or main topic that they want to discuss is actually not even really related. Um, is not is not the bigger picture. And so you kind of trace back, um, just through interviewing and, you know, like our, um, skills that we've developed in interviewing process and getting to kind of the root cause. Um, and sometimes people don't want to get to the root cause, and then we just focus on the surface. So it's it's whatever the person wants out of it is what they will get out of it. I can go as deep as anybody wants to go. Um, because I'm, I'm in the business of diagnosis. Um, and so I will I will give them the service that they're asking for. Okay. Those were the top five. We'll do it again. We'll do the other five next week on, um, as we wrap up a successful year. Gosh darn it, a successful year of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. And it's all because of you. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of this space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment as we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things.
