Untitled - November 13, 2025
00:00:00 Speaker: Hi, I'm Denise, host of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Let's join together as we lessen the hold of mom guilt in our lives, thrive in our careers, and raise great kids. You are doing enough. Let us boost your confidence today on this episode of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Parenting is a journey both beautiful and hard. Hi, it's Denise with the Working Moms Redefined podcast, and I am so dang excited to learn from someone who knows how to parent five boys. You heard me right. Five boys. Today on the podcast, we get to welcome Heidi Alsop. She is a certified life coach, social worker, and a mom of five sons. She has successfully navigated teenage years. Right now, she has a thirty one year old son and a son still in high school, so she is still in the thick of things and yet has built a podcast as well. Raising Boys Building Men podcast is so successful, and we are excited to learn from someone who is helping others with boys. Stop arguing and start connecting. I'm all about learning about how to have meaningful conversations and dare I say, restore trust that I know I have broken and not necessarily out of fight or anger, but out of I don't know what I'm doing. Heidi and I were talking offline about how I'm a woman. Of course, I don't know how a young boy is thinking, and yet when I over parent, maybe I'm hurting him in the long haul. This is exactly why Heidi is here. She is going to offer simple yet high impact strategies that work in real family life in real time with, dare I say, no extra overwhelm involved. I'm all about it. Heidi, welcome and thank you so much for joining us. Oh my goodness, Denise, thanks for for having me. I am so excited to talk about this. I could talk about raising sons twenty four over seven, and we're going to have such a good conversation today. I'm really excited. If someone was wondering, okay, out of all of this time that I am going to spend with both Denise and Heidi, what is a large takeaway that you hope listeners feel or know at the end? Yeah, I think the first thing, Denise, that I would say is let's just normalize that. This is messy. It's okay. It's okay that it's messy, and let's just make it normal and and realize that it's messy to raise any children. Right? And it's really messy to raise sons and it's okay. We're not doing anything wrong. We're not messing them up. We're not messing us up. Um, I think so often we get stuck in, we want it to look different than it's looking. And so we panic and we start parenting out of fear. And if we just normalize that. Listen, this is messy. Parenthood is messy, and it's so great. And you deserve to enjoy raising these kids and learn and grow and all of the things. And so we we have each other and we have, um, we have that own mother's intuition that I feel like we don't utilize enough. And it's messy and that's okay. It's part of the adventure. Messy in two senses of the word, right? Literal mess. But emotionally, it's messy in a beautiful way. But like you said, it's okay that it is that way. I love it, I love it. Let's go ahead and address something that you often work with your coaches and or your podcast about parenting with the end in mind, with. Ultimately the goal is to how can we raise boys into capable, confident? Man, that sounds scary. Where do I start? Yeah, yeah. Well, it's interesting because I was actually this morning talking to a mom that she was in a panic. And this is not unusual. Her son is is ready to launch out of the house. And as much as we love these boys, we don't want them to live with us forever. Like that's the goal for them. That's the goal for us. And she was in a panic. She was really in a froth because she was saying, I don't know if he knows how to do anything. I don't know if I taught him this. I don't know if he understands how to do that. And she's watching him get ready to go into life. And and she's turning it on herself. And so many moms, we do this. We try to change our son. And when it doesn't work, we turn it on ourselves. I must be a terrible mom. I must be doing a horrible job. And. That's exactly what this mom was doing. And so this concept of parenting, with the end in mind is take a few minutes. Like, really, Denise, we make a grocery list when we go to the grocery store, right? We if I'm going to go on a vacation, I have some sort of an idea of where I'm going and how I'm going to get there and what I'm going to do. And parenting is what I believe are most important job. When we have these children, then that is number one on priority list. And we don't plan, we we just react every day and clean up whatever disaster is happening that day where if you parent with the end in mind, you take a few minutes and sit down with yourself, sit down with whoever you're co-parenting with. And what do we want this kid to know when he leaves our house? What do we want him to know intellectually? What do we want him to know about his body and taking care of his body? How do we want him to be respectful of women? And, um, how do we want what do we want him to know financially? Like, do I want him to know how to budget or run, run his bank account? Or if we look at what we want as the end result and then we plug that in going backwards and we keep it top of mind, then it's always there and we have a focus and we don't get lost in the whirlwind of life. We're focused, and it doesn't mean that that's the only thing that we're thinking about. We're still putting out fires every day, but we're focused on I really want this kid to know this concept. It's very important to our family. It's very important, I know, for his success in life. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to teach him this over time. And then when they go to leave, it's like, you did it, buddy. Yay! Go! You still going to be hard. It's still going to be difficult. But at least you know how to cook your your meal. If you're not going to go off to college and start and so does that where it start day to day, helping integrate them into the activities that we are doing? Or are there other things day to day that you really focus and suggest? Yeah, well, you have to live your every day, right? So you're going to have soccer practice, you're going to have school, you're going to have, um, mowing the lawn and cooking the meals. You're going to have all of the things. But parenting with the end in mind is bringing those concepts. Let me give you an example. For our family, one of the things that we feel is really important, and something that we wanted to teach our sons is the value of service. And in fact, I just recorded a whole podcast episode on this service is one of the big components to helping your son grow his confidence. But also we just it's a core value for our family. And so we knew that we wanted our sons to be service oriented when they leave our house. And since it's top of mind when I'm driving down the street with my seven year old or my ten year old, and I see an elderly person bringing their garbage to the garbage to the road, I'm going to stop because I'm thinking about it. It's top of mind, and I'm going to say, hey, Luke, run out and help that guy pull his garbage so that I'm teaching him that you notice service opportunities in your everyday life. And then when they leave your house, you, whether they learn service or not, that's that's in their court. But I know I did my job. I know I did my job and that he knows whether he does it or not. That's up to him. But I know I did my job and so that's so confident building as a mom and such a relief when they go to lunch. You just I did what everything I wanted to do. Some of us make our own personal life goals for ourselves. Of course, it would make sense to make goals and or expectations with our children for their lives. Of course, it makes sense, and I'm assuming that there is some sort of mindset shift that happens in the years for both mom and son when that happens. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And the mindset shift is it comes in the form of confidence. Like I know what I'm doing. And listen, during those teenage years, I don't know a fifteen year old that's going to skip out of the car to go help the person with their garbage can. Okay. But but I know that that's normal for him, and I'm still going to suggest it. I'm still going to be pretty insistent about it so that it becomes part of his life. But I understand that in the process, he's not going to skip to learn all the things I want to teach him. And that's okay. That's okay. I know that I've done my part and there's a quiet confidence that comes from that. You can, almost like you said, give yourself a quiet pat on the back and say, we did well. We did well. For Hudson, just today we're doing some house renovations. And so the contractor was there before school, and he came to me and he said, Hudson or Mom, what's that guy's name? I want to go tell him hi. And to be honest, Heidi, I was like, I'm not I'm not one hundred percent sure. And I said, well, how about you go ask his name? Well that's rude. He said, I should remember it because we put that importance of people really appreciate it when you remember their names. And I said, okay, I think his name is Jeff, but to double check. How about you go out there and say good morning, it's Jeff, right. And confirm. And he was like, oh, I'm not gonna going to do that? I said, oh shoot. Imagine how good he would feel if you did that. And so I said, hey, by the way, I bet if you went out there he might let you touch his hammer. It was that little motivation that he needed. And so as he walked outside and I very, you know, not sneakily listened, he goes, hey, can I touch your hammer? Your name's Jeff, right? And that was fine. And then he said, yeah, my name's Jeff. And then he said, good morning. And so although the systems didn't necessarily go in the way in which I would have one liked it or done it myself, that doesn't mean that it is wrong. And that's sometimes where I think me, myself as a mom might look at that as a mistake, when really, no, it was done differently. So are there other common mistakes possibly being vulnerable in that that I know I do them, that maybe we as moms are making when we don't think long term. Absolutely. And here's what. What is the beautiful part about your story is you're teaching him the concept. You're reinforcing this importance of remembering and and having people be seen by knowing their name. You're teaching him the concept. And, you know, you may have a lot of listeners right now that are like, it's just, gosh, there's so much to do. And now, now I have to do this to now I have to know all the things I want him to know by the time I leave. And this is just too much. It's adding to my overwhelm. And what I want to offer you and your listeners and everyone is that this is not let's do more things. It's let's identify four or five things that are really core for our family that are really important, that if he leaves my house and has never been introduced to this, that I would regret that. So then then your parenting with intention. You're not doing more. You're actually doing less. Because if you're going throughout your day and you're just getting stuck in all of the chaos of the day, and you get to the end of the day and you realize that nothing we did today really correlated with our core values. That's really good to know. That's really good to know. Then tomorrow you want to be more intentional. So this is not about doing more. It's about finding those four or five things that are really important and reinforcing those have them top of mind. You're actually doing less, but you're doing more of what's important, more of what matters for the success of his life. And so as moms, we do this to ourselves, right? That's just another thing, another thing, another thing. And parenting with the end of mind is actually let's do less, but let's do more of what is important. And every decision can be based on that. So if my son comes home, my senior in high school, he's very athletic and very talented, and he could be on like a hundred teams and traveling all the time, and he's been offered those things. Not that he's a unicorn, but he's worked really hard and he's been offered those things, and we just filter it through our core values. We filter it through what's important. When he leaves our house. And what's important is spending time with his family. What's important is learning how to work and how to serve. And so it's so much easier to say no to the fluffy stuff and to simplify our life because we have that. What's really important when it's all said and done. Is it ever too late to start? Never never never never. I have grown sons. I have four sons that are married. I have three sons that have children. Um, and and I'm still teaching them things, and they're still teaching me things. They'll call me and say, hey, mom, what do you think about this thing? They'll call my husband. Hey, dad. What do you think about this thing? We're still teaching. The difference is when they become independent, when they're grown, when they're launching from your house, it's really important to ask if it's okay if you teach them this thing. Would it be okay with you if I gave my opinion on this? Where? When they're seven, it's just, you know, here's my opinion, buddy. So it does change the dynamics a little bit, but it's never too late. If you have a seventeen year old and you're starting this panic, it's not too late. No. You just decide what's important and then you start talking about it more and more and more. Never too late. This is a this is a relationship that's going to last for generations. It's never too late. Would you feel comfortable sharing your family's values? Yes. Of course. So when when my husband and I sat down and I realized there are a lot of people that are single parenting which which this is even more important, right? Because then you're perfectly clear. But we have categories. We have. Well, these are really the basic categories of life. This is it. This is proven scientifically that emotional, physical, spiritual, social, occupational, financial, intellectual. So there's seven, seven areas. And we just picked three things in the seven areas. So for example financial we really feel like it's important for our sons. We really encourage them that listen we want you to be capable of providing for a family. And so we want you to learn how to do money. And they always had a summer job where they mowed lawns and they were in charge of their money. We, uh, they paid for things and the things that they wanted when they went out to lunch, when they did these things, they paid for it. And there was a confidence that came to those boys for having to work. In fact, I remember, um, my second son, Mitch, when he was in high school. He says, mom, I feel sorry for all these kids that have to ask their parents for money for gas. Now, I'm not judging anyone that pays for their son's gas. That's completely fine. But there. But managing money, earning money, figuring out how to be financially independent was a real core value to us. And so we did little things that helped them to learn how to manage their money. We let them get down to ten cents in their account and have to figure out how to get scrappy after that. And, you know, we just sat back and observed them and watch them learn those financial things. Um, we really wanted them to know how how do you take care of your body? How do you, um, get out and move? And so that top of mind was something that if they were spending three hours on a video game, we would we would interject in there and say, this is not how we take care of our bodies. You can't function, your brain can't function, your body can't function. So those are a couple of them. We're we're a very faith based family. Uh, so we did a lot of spiritual teaching and, uh, and taught a lot about how how we felt spiritually, how that can contribute to their life. So that was something that we incorporated into every day of their life. And then and then they get to choose, right? They get to choose as they grow and launch. But they know. They know what what we believe and where we stand. And what a gift. Right. And listen, we didn't do this perfectly. We didn't. But we had it on our mind. We had it set and we really tried. We really did repeat those seven categories for me again okay. So there's emotional right there. Mental health. Who else is going to teach them about their mental health about emotions. Right. The society does a terrible job of teaching boys about emotions. I don't want to. I don't want them learning from society that they need to squelch their emotions. So emotional help. How do you want your son to navigate emotions. So that's a really big one. Physical health. Spiritual health. Occupational. We really wanted our sons and we still do. Right. To be able to provide for our family. And and he doesn't have to be the sole provider. But we wanted him to be capable of providing. So occupational they always had a summer job. They ran their own business, little entrepreneurs running a lawn mowing business. It was it was great financial. What what is what do we want them to know financially? Do we want them to know how to invest? My boys love investing. They talk to each other and because they know how to do it. And then intellectual. What are some books we want them to read? What do we want them to know? And I just think that once again, not to cause overwhelm because this this is actually simplifying motherhood. It really, truly is. And I just don't really want the world to dictate and to teach my son the things that once again like emotional help. I think society does a terrible job teaching boys about emotional health. That's my job. It's my husband's job. And we we relied on other people that are close to our family to help us with that. So beautiful. Thank you for saying those again. And I think what's really cool is that it's not only boys, you'll be able to create a plan with those seven categories, whether you have a son or a daughter. So fabulous, so fabulous. Now I will say having one of each, both a eight year old and a seven year old seven year old being Hudson, the grit, confidence and heart piece is all wrapped up in one. I would have mentally never been able to have been prepared for the amount of grit that these boys have, and it's a beautiful thing. And yet Sometimes I feel as if there is conflict between Hudson and I. Almost a power struggle, if you will, with me trying to control too much of him and his actions, which ultimately I'm trying to control the outcome out of love, right? Whether that's his safety or how I think a situation should be handled. But I don't want that. It's not helicopter ish yet, dare I say? But if I keep going the way that I am, it'll one hundred percent be that way. Out of lack of control, lack of trust, whatever that looks like. Why do I find myself in that power struggle? First of all, Heidi. Yeah, yeah. Well, if you think about it this way, Denise, we have these babies, and we are actually hardwired. Our brains are hardwired to care for these children like they need. They need us for their very survival when they're babies. And then over the course of not very long, right? Eighteen, twenty years, we are supposed to completely change to the opposite where they don't need us anymore. We are, you know, they love us and and they appreciate us and all of those things, but they really we don't want them to need us. I, my thirty one year old, I don't want him to need me to help him make decisions every day in his life. I love him and he needs me to be his mom. But we have to flip that script. And so if you think about it that way, the reason why those these years become turbulent become difficult is because this teenage boy and Hudson is probably still cuddly and, um, and even though you're starting to feel that tug of war, it's really going to pronounce itself when he's fourteen and fifteen years old, because he just wants to be independent. And listen, we know he's not. We know that that he's just not ready for that today. So trying to find and create that balancing act over the course of those years where you're trading places, you're going from taking care of him to him, taking care of him. It once again, it's messy and it's a little confusing, and there are going to be moments where you grab one end of the rope and he grabs the other end and you start pulling. And so what? What I tell my moms that I work with is decide what you're going to hold on to the rope with and what you're going to let go of, because you can't hold on to the other end of the rope with everything, or he'll just pull harder and harder and harder and and now then you have a power struggle, and then you've lost your influence. You've lost your relationship. You've lost your influence. So decide on purpose what you are going to hold on to and what you're not. For example, if you saw Dawson's room, he's my seventeen year old. He saw his room right now, you'd probably have a heart attack. It's just. It's just a rope. I don't hold on to the other end of. He. He can't leave his stuff around the house, but I just close his door. I'm not going to fight about that. And so deciding on purpose. What am I? What do I really? What's the hill I'm going to die on here? And what am I going to let go? And and then you have, you have some talking points, some opportunity for connection. And instead of you pulling one end of the rope all the time and him pulling the other end, and then the only option you have is to start overparenting him and controlling him, or parenting him and letting him have a free for all are your only options. Deciding when to pull on that rope would very much align with those seven categories and those three things within those, because then if you could even internally coach yourself and say, okay, wait, why does this matter so much? Oh, well, it fits within one of these seven buckets or the room thing, right? That's probably not in one of the seven buckets. Well, then I'm going to let that rope go. There's a nice correlation there that then also has a checks and balance system for you. Once again this is this is an easier way of parenting because there's no parenting. That's easy. I mean we've normalized that. This is hard. But this simplifies and and now you're focusing on what matters most. And Dawson's room, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. When I pan out I don't care. And all of my sons have had the same thing. And they're very clean people and they are. They contribute well to their homes and I just don't have to worry about that. What a relief. Would you say that that's the first step in parenting with more of a partnership mindset rather than the constant conflict? Mhm. Mhm. Absolutely I would and and once again this is something that is this is a simple answer to a little more of a complicated situation, right? There's we have a nervous system. We have emotions. We have all of these things to play that play into this relationship that, um, you know, any one of those can really improve the relationship. But I, I would start by having a conversation and, and these boys, we don't give them enough credit. I know they go quiet in their teenage years. Like, I know firsthand all of the things that happen. And we don't give them enough credit for their desire not to disappoint us, for their the deepness of the way they think, for the way that they speak to themselves. And so keeping that communication open, like you have to save the relationship, you've got to keep that connection. And we do that by having conversations. And so not in the heat of the moment, that's not the best time to say, hey, what's important to you, buddy? And this is important to me. But those other times where maybe you're driving in the car or you're hanging out on the couch or playing a game. Those are the times that you say, hey, what are the things that are really important to you? And he will say. And then you say, here are a couple of things that I'm seeing that are really important to me, and here's why. How do we figure this out between us? And he will contribute to that conversation. He will because he wants to figure it out too. So just those conversations. And once again, I get it. A fourteen year old is not easy to have a conversation with. He's not. But he still needs you to try. Does that allow you to be more of a guide rather than somebody who dictates to, and then allows you to set up those boundaries is really based out of that conversation piece? Absolutely, absolutely. We want to look at ourselves as the guide for him in his life. If he looks to us and he's like, she controls everything I do, I never get to make any decisions. There's there's a lot of room for rebellion there where if we are very conscious, like, I'm not in any way suggesting that we just let him do his thing. That's under parenting. We want to be the guide. We want to be the person that's standing next to him, helping him up, not picking him up, helping him up, allowing him to have consequences for his choices and to learn from those. Um, and just like a guide that would take you on a safari, right? He's he's going to be with you. He's going to protect you, but he's also going to let you have the experience of the safari. And and if we can think of ourselves as a guide, it's much more empowering than to think that we're in charge. Because when we get to where we can't change them, we'll turn on ourselves. And it's it's feels terrible. We don't want that. No. Thank you. I think even to this morning where you had said, like we help them up, we don't pick them up. This morning we were doing flashcards with some words that he needed to know, and he was struggling putting these flashcards back in the baggie. And as I'm thinking back to it, I saw he was struggling. Maybe had I waited ten more seconds, he would have figured it out. But without even thinking, I grabbed them and I put them in the baggie and I put them where they're supposed to go. I picked him up instead of helping him. And it's nothing wrong. I'm not putting guilt or shame on myself, but it's observing. And being aware really is the first step to say, like, maybe I'm getting in his own way. Yeah, but when you allow the judgment to leave and the shame to leave, then you can learn. And that's exactly what you're expressing here is that, oh, I see what happened there. And now I've learned that maybe I'm going to wait ten more seconds. Maybe I'm going to allow him to either do it or don't. And then to have the natural consequences of that. So when we let ourselves learn from our experiences, we're much more capable to let him learn from his experiences, too, which is how we grow. That's how we learn, how we grow. We currently have a huge dirt pile in the backyard, as well as a huge pile of cement blocks. I'm all for jumping off and on the dirt pile, but the cement one is off limits. I'm. I'm not going to. And for those who know Hudson's track record, we have had surgeries. We have had stitches, like all of the things that prove that to be a smart decision. And yet, how do moms work through encouraging resilience while also not being too hard or being too controlling? And I'll be honest, Heidi, I am asking for personal reasons. Well, aren't we all right? We all are. That's part, I think, Denise, of setting boundaries like we we are you you are. He's seven and you are needing to set boundaries for his protection. And listen, Hudson, the cement. Here's why we're not jumping on the cement. And and here you can jump in the dirt all you want. Have a free for all in the dirt. The cement is off limits, and and boundaries are beautiful. I think boundaries are the kindest thing we can do. And when those teenage boys like when boys start acting out, they're begging for a boundary. I really, I know that there's science that proves that. But my experience of thirty one years of raising these rowdy boys, when they act out, they're begging for a boundary. They want someone to come in and say, it's like you're putting your arm around him and saying, come here, honey, I've got you. I'm here and we're not doing this. This is this is a hard no. So you can say, listen, Hudson, we're not jumping off the cement. And then if Hudson chooses to then go and do that, he's probably going to get hurt. Most likely. Right? Hopefully it's stitches. Maybe a broken arm, I don't know. But then Hudson has got to learn. And then he's going to learn from that experience. And he's going to learn to trust you more. And you don't have to say, I told you, Hudson, I told you he'll get that. He'll get that. And maybe you can say something like, honey, this is why we don't jump off the cement. I'm so sorry you chose that right. Letting his decisions be his decisions. But giving the boundaries. Boundaries are beautiful. Boundaries are kind. Boundaries are essential in parenting. They are essential. So it's a gift that you're giving when you're saying no. So many moms and and there's a whole like, parenting. I can't remember what it's called free range or something like that. And once again, I'm not criticizing anyone's parenting strategy, but when the first time your son hears no is from his boss at twenty four, we've really done him a disservice because then he thinks that shouldn't happen, that he's never been told no before. He doesn't even know what to do with that. It's okay to tell our kids, no, we don't want to be scared of our children. We set the boundaries. It's kind. It's loving. We just do it in a way that's not controlling and, um, demeaning. I don't want to do it that way. I almost feel like I need to place boundaries on myself to bounce in between. Am I setting this boundary out of fear or out of grace? You know, like keeping myself in mind. But I'm also giggling. Like the way that you described boundaries was so beautiful. And I can guarantee you that I have never heard someone say, hopefully it's a broken arm or a, um, what was the other example or stitches? I'm like, girl is definitely a mom of five because never have I ever said hopefully it's that. Now. Granted, with your experience, you have seen worst case scenarios than I have, but I am inside giggling a little bit to say, man, what a great outlook to think. It's not the end of the world. You are not only practicing that thought process of parenting with the end game in mind, but also realizing there is struggle in beauty. And so thank you for saying that. That will be a moment that I will never forget. But with that grit that these boys have, that resiliency, I'm scared to ask because don't be scared. I don't think I'm good at it. How do we build grit in boys that's healthy? Like what habits? What do those look like? What experiences? Yeah, yeah, that's a good question. And um, Before I answer that, there was one week and we're like, we really did set boundaries. We really did say, don't do this and don't jump off this. And the last thing we wanted. Let's just say we met our deductible every year, but we had one week, one year that every one of the five children had either had stitches or a broken bone, or were in the hospital, like in a one week span. Every one of them. And you just at that point have to sit back and laugh. But it wasn't lack of boundaries on our part. It was decisions on their part. Yeah, boys. And and listen, if Hudson gets through his childhood without a set of stitches, like he has no bragging rights, right? They it's. We've got to let boys be boys. And I know that that's going to ruffle some feathers. And I know that, like, I want to protect my kids from hurt any as much as any other mom wants to. And boys are boys. Boys want a cause to participate in. They want to protect they. There are some things in their DNA that they they thrive on. Here's one reason why we're seeing teenage boys, especially hiding in the basements playing Call of Duty. Because when they play Call of Duty, they get to be the hero. And when they go to school, when they live their life, we have stripped that from them. And we. And then we wonder why they never leave the basement and only play Call of Duty. Will they get to be the hero? They want to be the hero in something. And so let them play outside, let them dig in the dirt, let them ride their bikes off jumps. We want to allow boys to do boy things we do. And and once again, my expertise is in boys and you're going to have a whole nother, uh, vision of of raising daughters. That's not my expertise. Although now I have granddaughters and they're amazing. But there are some things in boys, and we have to allow them to fall and get back up, because life is not easy. We know that. Like like you're speaking to moms, you're speaking to business owners, you're speaking to high achievers. We know it's not easy. And if we protect, protect, protect hover hover hover hover. And then at eighteen say ah. Off you go. Good luck. We they haven't built those muscles that teach them to be resilient, that teach them to get back up and move on, that have been kicked down. And now I'm going to get it back up and move on. Now, that being said, I don't want any way want people to think that it's okay for your child to be bullied or it's okay for your child to be harmed in any way. I'm not speaking to that. I'm speaking to just normal boy behavior. They they are going to be a little rough and tumble. They are. And it's okay. We have to allow them to see. To see. They learn by doing. They just do. What are some habits that I can start implementing? And maybe it's not even for the son. Are there habits that ultimately I need to be building for me to be able to handle this better? Yeah. Well, I think on a day to day basis, we, um, we pay attention. We keep a very close eye on what these boys are doing, and we love them. Like, these boys just want to be loved by their mama. There's a special. You can feel this with Hudson. There's just a special connection between boys and their mom. And I think a lot of times we go through our everyday and we get to the end of the day, and we're like that kid. He doesn't even appreciate all the things we do for him. And I'm going to answer your question, but I think this is a big part of that answer. And and so we do more and we do more and we do more and we do more. And a simple way to solve doing more is to ask your son. Hey, Hudson. Hey, buddy. How do you know I love you? I think this is one of the most important questions that we can ask in any relationship. How do you feel, my love? Because I can take him to the park. I can take to the amusement park and I can take him swimming. I can do all of these things. And he may say, remember, mom, that summer night when we laid on the trampoline and looked at the stars? That's how I know. And here I'm. I'm running myself ragged when really, I know he feels my love by just being together in the quiet of an evening. So in answer to your question, I think the first thing we want to do is we want to love them in a way that they feel our love. And if we can get really clear on that, and every one of my five sons fills my love different, they do. And your kids are going to feel fill your love different. But if we get really clear on how they fill our love, then we love them first. And if we love them, we keep that connection. And when we are connected to those boys, we are their greatest influence. Period. They do not want to disappoint their moms. And he may argue with you, and he may feel like he's pulling on the other end of the rope. But I promise that boy does not want to hurt you. And so if you have that connection, you are his greatest influence. Like, he looks to you for guidance and direction, and then you can come in with the everyday things that keep him within the rails. Right. Here's here are some things that I'm seeing. I'm seeing you're not getting your homework in, buddy. What's going on? What's under that? So curiosity is, like the most amazing emotion that we can parent from. What's underneath that? What's going on? If you're connected, he's going to say, mom, that I don't I don't know how to do that. It's like that math is so hard to me or whatever he's going to say, right? I see that you're having trouble with friends. What's going on? What's happening buddy? Do you see how if you have that connection, if they feel your love, then the everyday becomes more impactful. I have. I'll give it to you to offer to your listeners. But it's. It's eight tips that you can do today to connect with your son. Eight things that you can do that are so simple that they will help him feel connected to you, and then you get to be his greatest influence. You get to be that mentor that he needs. I could listen to you all day. Heidi and the. In addition to the fact that you've lived this and you've felt the benefit of it, but like you pour into other moms all day long. I hope you realize how great of a job that you are as a mom. Like listening to you talk about your sons in this way, and having real life experiences and sharing all of this only comes from actually doing what you speak about. So a job well done to you too. Holy cow, you're so sweet. Thank you, thank you. We love these boys. We need to raise more good boys. It helps communities. That's how we fix the world, right? We gotta raise good boys and good girls. But we gotta raise good men. We have to do it. And it starts at home. It starts with us. Those eight tips that she's going to share with you all will give you links in the show notes to be able to do that. As we get near our end of our time together. Heidi, how would you say, in a maybe simpler way, that might even recap some of what we've already said is how can moms really, truly set up their sons for success as independent men? I think the the most important thing that we can do as moms is be their mom. They have friends. They have acquaintances. They only have one mom and that's us. And so he needs a mom. And a mom is unique and special in every way. And we have a really amazing job. And it's hard. I'm not going to pretend like it's not hard and it's messy, but at the end of the day, he just wants his mom to love him and accept him and see him and meet him where he is. And so I think more than anything else, really getting clear on what that means to you for your unique family, what does the job of a mom mean to you? For me, it means that I deserve and want to have a great time while he's growing up. I want to enjoy this boy, and I also have a unique job to teach him things, to guide him, to set boundaries, to discipline him when needed. Like, that's part of my job as a mom. So we've got to do our jobs. We cannot rely on society to do it. We can't. It's not their job. It's our job. So we we really have to look at what that means for you uniquely. What does being the mom mean? And then do it. What a weight. You have lifted off so many women's chests by sharing your thoughts and your tips today. I feel lighter and brighter and dare I say, I am so excited to go home and start being like at the dinner table tonight. Tell me how you feel love and what do you want to be like? Describe in five words what do you want to be? And then we can work. I I'm just so jazzed. You better watch out, because dinner time tonight will be more than just eating. Look out! Hudson, right? Like. Watch out! But that's how you connect. Like, that's such good news. That makes me so happy, because that's. That's how you're connecting. That's what he's gonna lean on. And and it's going to be a roller coaster. But if you can come back to that connection, you win. You win the game. Absolutely. Okay. As we wrap up our time, it's my favorite part. It's lightning round style of questions. And these are good. Heidi, what a gift you have been to all of us. Before we do this, please tell me, how can people learn from you? Get to know you better. Work with you. What is the best way to get Ahold and connect with you? Oh, yay! Well, thank you for asking. I have a podcast. It's called Raising Boys, Building Men. Come on over there. We talk about all of this stuff over and over again. Uh, I have a website. Raising boys, building men. Com. Uh, I'll leave with you the The Connection Blueprint, which is the eight tips. Take those and use them and and use what works for you and let the rest go. Um, so yeah, I'm super easy to find. I'm on Instagram, I raising boys, building men. Heidi Allsopp I am easy to find so I, I would love it. Come on over DM me, ask questions if there's questions from this conversation. Come on over and ask. Cannot wait. Perfect. Okay. Heidi, what is one word that describes raising boys? I love this question. Adventure. Good. Bad. Ugly. All of it. All of it. What is the hardest lesson that you have learned as a mom of five? This is all. Your questions are really good, Denise. I, I think what I think the path is for them is not always the path that's going to teach them the most and make them the best man. So I think that's been a hard lesson for me, that what I see is the path for them isn't always really the right path for them, and they can learn more somewhere else. So navigating that is hard. It's a hard lesson to learn. Humility is our posture. Is that like that's that'll knock you down? One thing every mom of teenage boys should let go of. Yes. Let go of thinking that you don't know. Stop telling yourself you don't know. I don't know, boys. I don't know what to do. I don't. Stop! What do you know? What do I know? I know I love him. Start there. Exactly. That's exactly what I was going to say. Okay. A daily habit that strengthens connection. My number one that I try and do every day is look him in the eye. When I talk to him, I'm going to look him in the eye because I think a lot of boys go through the day. Nobody's looking them in the eye. Nobody's really seeing them. And you can learn a lot from that boy by looking him in the eye. Very good. And final question. What is one word that you hope your five sons describe you as a mom? Ass. Okay, we're going to hyphenate this one. Make it one word all in, like I'm just all in. In every way. Let's go. All in I love it, let's all go all in together. Let's go Allsopp. How fun is this again? If you want to check out her podcast we'll provide the link. Raising boys, building men her eight tips. When she says message and connect with her, you obviously can tell she genuinely needs it. Thank you for our time together. And remember, raising boys is hard and yet you can do hard things. Yes we can. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of the space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you! If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment as we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things.
