Untitled - July 17, 2025
00:00:00 Speaker: Hi, I'm Denise. Host of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Let's join together as we lessen the hold of mom guilt in our lives, thrive in our careers, and raise great kids. You are doing enough. Let us boost your confidence today on this episode of Working Moms Redefined podcast. Divorce. What a fun topic for today's Working Moms Redefined podcast. Hey, it's Denise and I am overly joyed. Is that right? Overjoyed. I'm overjoyed. I'm overly overjoyed to get to welcome you guys today to speak and learn from Amy Hendrian. Yes, we're going to be talking about divorce, but we're also going to talk about a working mom who owns a business, who has three children, has raised them well, co-parenting included, and what it means to look divorce in the eye and move onward and define success as part of it. A weird concept and something I absolutely know nothing about. I am new to this, and I cannot think of a better way for someone else to help us learn and guide the conversation than with Amy. Amy Henry. And like I said, she is the owner of Bailey's Coffee House and Fudge Shop. You guys, the Roy Webb Salted Caramel latte with oat milk. Top notch, might I add. She's a working mom of three and has been doing this for 18 years. Needless to say, we are in a transition in their household because one they're her oldest, is off to college. So I say all of that to tell you she's had experience to be able to share quite a bit about divorce and co-parenting and navigating boundaries between work and motherhood when you own your business. Well, trying to keep a schedule straight. Two days on, three days off. Do I have them this weekend? Can I spend time with them this weekend or are they going elsewhere? Like that. Internal dialogue is a lot and I'm excited to learn alongside with you. And or if you are a divorced parent, lean in and give you absolutely so much darn credit for what you have been going through. And well, Amy, welcome. Thank you for being here. I am so excited today to get to talk with you. Before we dive right in, Amy, can you share with our listeners what you want them to walk away with or what they will learn by listening to today's episode? I'm hoping that today's episode will help other mothers walk away just with the fact that you are enough and you always have been. And divorce does not define you. Only you can define yourself and who you show up as. As a mom, um, being a working mom, going through divorce, having multiple children, um, like you were saying, with the schedule and keeping track, it's a lot. Um, but you're not alone. And there's several of us, you know, in this community, I found so many new friends that just kind of we we connect based on being divorced moms, being single moms. And I think just mostly just knowing that you are enough and that, you know, like I said, this does not define you. It defined me for so long. And now I realized that it no longer defines me, no longer defines her. Well, let's go ahead and just make a fat joke from the very beginning. Yeah, I think so many of you realize and know now that I am a huge friends fan, and Amy and I have had multiple conversations prepping for today's interview about divorce, and we've often referenced Ross and his divorces. And you talk about that and you laugh and it makes you smile because it. You wish it was that easy, right? You wish it was as easy as a sitcom. And we have to consider. Things when we have these conversations, you know, being respectful not only of your ex-husband, but also your children is something that is probably kind of weird to navigate as you're prepping for these questions. It is it definitely, because there's so much like we've talked, I wouldn't be divorced if everything was sunshine and rainbows and we made it through. So there are there are reasons. There are things that caused us to go our separate ways. Um, but I would never say anything negative. I don't want to say anything negative because it's my children's father. For one. Um. And two, my reality, I have realized, is different than his reality. And, you know, there's always two sides to every story. You know, when we started our divorce, it was just everybody wanted to know why. Like on the outside, we looked like this perfect family. We showed up to church, you know, holding hands and everything on the outside was perfect and behind closed doors. It's not always that way. And there's just a lot of things that I think you go through as a married couple that either can bring you to the other side, that you can work through, and there are things that you can't. And I think that it's just sometimes that's hard to navigate, especially when the children are involved, because I would never want him to speak ill of me. And honestly, I mean, we've been divorced for 11 years now. 12 years. It's been over a decade. It's been over ten years. And we're we're closer. And, you know, we're more friends now than we were obviously at the beginning of our divorce. But I think because of how we handled it and knowing that the kids came first and that we would never speak ill towards one another or. To them about the other parent. We've always kind of had that the kids come first mentality, and I think that that's just really helped us with that. But then, you know, in prepping for these questions, you know, some of the things that we've that we've discussed, it's like, well, you know, how do you navigate that in a positive way? Because if it were positive we wouldn't be here. So, you know, and that's I think a dynamic that it's not always positive. Sometimes it's okay to open the door or to pull back the curtain, if you will, to the reference that you said earlier of it might have looked okay. It was not okay. And to talk about that like you have already in a kind and respectful way, is it admirable? And yet we still know there's hurt, we still know that there is pain. But to put that all aside for your children So that they can still have the best childhood and the best upbringing possible. It is something in my heart that I admire divorced working mom so much more for that, because that's an element of guilt and pressure that those who are married might not realize. Props to you for going there already, Amy. We're going to go back. Like you said, it's been over a decade since you've been divorced. Take me back to the very beginning, if you can. In those early days of divorce, what was going through your mind? 3132 year old Amy had a lot more anxiety. My anxiety was a lot different than what I show up as today. Um, one of the beautiful things that came out of my divorce was we're like, self-growth and really working on myself. Like seeing like I'm choosing me from this moment forward and I'm not looking back. And that's been ten years in the making. But me ten years ago. Um, I had moments of what the hell am I thinking? What is happening? Um, I come from divorced parents, and I remember sitting I remember sitting outside my ex-husband's parents home, and I was sitting with his mom and the him and his family. They were playing washers or something in the front yard. One of those bags games, something in the front yard. And I don't know what even sparked this memory, but I remember looking at her and saying, we were talking about somebody else that was getting a divorce or something, and I said, I will never I will never get divorced. That is not in the cards for me. It is not I will as a child of divorce. I will never get divorced. Kidding, here I am. Why did you think that? Because I didn't want to break up a family. I know how difficult it was. And when my parents got divorced, I was in high school, so we were older. When I got divorced, my children were two, four and six, so they were very young. And for someone to go and say, I'm never getting divorced to a couple of years later being like, no, actually, we're going to get divorced, this happening? Um, but I think that those early days of of starting the divorce process, it was so many emotions. It was I, you know, I worked at a in a job where there was hundreds of people. We live in a city where everyone's business is known or what they think they know. And then that's where the rumor mill starts, you know? So I had I was trying to protect my peace. I was trying to protect my name. I was trying to protect my children. Um, still show up for work, even though internally, I was a complete mess. You know, I had made this decision that this is this is done, and I'm moving forward. Right? And that was the first time I have ever chosen myself. I, I know that's the first time I've ever chosen myself. I am such a people pleaser. And I'm just such a. Um, I'm going to say go with the flow, but I'm not. But just like, whatever, you know, we're just going to do whatever you want to do. We're going to do it. What people tell you to do, you do it. Keep them pleased, to keep them pleased. And that's a lot of that comes out of childhood trauma for for sure. But also I'm the type of person that when I make up my mind, it's a done deal. And I have always been that way. I don't know where that was instilled in me. I don't know if it just was from birth or what, but when Amy Hendrian says enough's enough. Enough is enough. There's no going back. We're only going forward. And I really jumped without having a plan, without having an idea. It was like I just woke up and I was like, today's the day. I'm no longer going to subject myself to this. I'm not going to subject him to this. I'm not going to subject our children to this. Today's the day. And then it was that. What the hell have I done? Because where am I going to live? What am I going to do? How is this going to work? And then also being the people pleaser, he's going to hate me. He's going to, you know, are the children going to hate me or my is my family going to hate me? There was there was a lot involved that I'm not going to discuss. But there is so much that was I was scrutinized in so many ways by so many people without knowing, you know, the full story or as to why I, I think, as one of my friends put it, jumped ship. I didn't jump ship. No. When I think about who you are today, that's part of who you are. Absolutely. But if today you could look at that girl who you referenced at 31 or 32 And that divorce, what would today you tell that version of you you are going to be more than okay. You are going to excel at life. You are going to have three beautiful, well mannered, well rounded, amazing children. You are going to really excel at anything that you put your mind to because you are choosing you moving forward. Well, as a working mom, we also understand that choosing us does not happen without the thought process of how will this impact the kids. And I know that that probably went through your mind at a very young age. What in regards to you very fresh out of divorce, what were you thinking as to how the divorce would impact your kids? What kind of went through those thoughts? And then ultimately did that happen? Kind of walk me through. So I think I would almost challenge that question as to if I was worried. I know if I was worried about how it would impact my kids by getting divorced, I think I was more questioning, how is this going to impact my children if I don't? Because there is. I have always wanted to be a mom. That is something that I have always. It's just always just been what I wanted. I have baby dolls growing up, you know, I just always loved playing house. Like babysitting all of it. I just could not wait to be a mom. I even had alternative plans if it weren't in the cards for me to have them myself. Like I already had a whole. I had it all planned out. I will be a mom, whether it's to my child or adoption or whatever. I was going to be a mom. And, um, so I think that when things started happening in my marriage that made me realize I'm not able to parent my children how I want to, I'm not able to show up as who I am, I am. I have been independent from birth, and I think that that was very something that I lost in myself, um, in my relationship with my ex-husband, because I also at that time, he took care of everything. And so it was nice. It was nice to have someone that, I mean, he took care of everything. I remember saying to my friends, I even know how much money we have in our bank account because I don't pay any bills. I don't even know what the bills look like. And so I kind of started hearing myself saying more of these things and then realizing, like, I don't even I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, I am his wife and but that and I'm mom. But there was no me. Like me was just gone. I don't I don't really know how to describe that, but that was one thing that I thought with how will it impact the kids if I don't do this? Because they're never going to see me, and I'll never be able to be the mom that I grew up wanting to be. Now, to answer your question, that was beautiful. Thank you. To answer your question, I was I was so worried how it was going to impact them because, again, being a child of divorce and knowing how it affected me and seeing how it's affected both of my brothers, we all, you know, I think that there's like there was this whole like trend going around for a while where people were like, we all grew up in the same house, but we all have different memories or we all have different takes on how things were growing up. Well, that's that's because of your personality and how you associated with each of your parents. And, you know, like my brothers are boys and I'm a girl. So everything was just different as to how we were viewed and how we viewed things. And I think that plays a role into where I was worried about how that was going to impact my kids. I was afraid that, um, for the longest time, I was afraid that what if they. What if they hate me? What if they as they can? I mean, again, two, four and six. You know what? If they grow up and and they hear things about me, or they see things or. I mean, just anything ridiculous goes through your mind where you're just like, they're going to hate me. They're going to hate that I did this to them. They're going to hate, you know? And that was that was the biggest concern I had regarding how it would impact them would be one. Well, I guess that's really selfish because that was more how is it going to impact me? Because I didn't want them to hate me, but I was worried about their emotional well-being. Um, I was worried about because, you know, um, my kids all have anxiety in different ways, and I was just wondering how that would show up if we weren't in the same home together. Um, I worried about school, like, you know, especially, like, at that point, Harry was going into, what, first, second grade, probably Abby was starting preschool. Jefferson was just Jefferson. He was just two. I mean, you know, but, like, just worried, like, is this going to affect their school? Is it going to affect them being able to make friends? Just all I worried about all kinds of different things, but I had enough faith in myself and my ex-husband that we would put them first and not have that impact of a negative home life. And as in like us not being in the same home together, if that makes sense. What a testimony to you. Having known all of that at such a young age, and from my perspective, not knowing you then and seeing how you've truly lived out the plan A+ for following the plan. But along the way, of course, co-parenting adds a dynamic I have absolutely no idea. I think I've shared in the past Jeremy and I have had struggles, and of course my mind went to what do holidays look like Without being in the same home. It's something that you have to consider and that you work with and deal with. But in regards to co-parenting, let's talk about you, said the statement. And I jotted this down. You said this off the podcast, but just because I have a parenting contract doesn't mean I'm a part time parent. Love that. Elaborate on that. Well, kind of in mixing in that full time mom concept. Yeah. So with our parenting contract, um, legally, you know, we split the kids 5050, so it's two days on, two days off, and every other weekend holidays, like you just mentioned, we have a schedule for holidays. It flops. Flip flops every, every other year. So a part time parent doesn't really exist. And for us, me being a full time mom with a part time parenting contract, um, I still believe in, even if it's not my day for custody. And I still will talk to my children. And we talk. We talk every day. And he does the same thing like this is this is a dynamic that we both have adapted to. I think from the very beginning, um, but me as a full time mom, that is my kids have always come first. They will never not come first. I don't care how old they are, they will always be. They will always be. When they call that, I'll answer on the first ring. That's how. It's always how it's always going to be. Um. Even if it's not my weekend and I have two kids that play soccer, so even if it's not my weekend, I still show up to soccer games because I'm there to support my child, not a parenting contract. I pick my kids up from school. Well, now it's just Jefferson because the other ones are old enough, you know, driving home. But I'll pick Jefferson up from school every day. So even on the days I don't have him in custody, I still will pick him up from school, take him to his dad's. Um. And so I still get to see them or talk to them almost every day. Um, and there's just different things with outside of like the soccer tournaments. If there's something going on at school, um, I still will show up to that. I don't look at the parenting contract as, oh, well, it's their dad's day, so I can't go and do this. And what so disheartening to me is so many parents that have split custody that will do that because they don't want to see their ex, and it's not about your ex. So one thing that I have definitely learned within divorce is that you've got to check your ego at the door all the time, because it's not about you, it's about the children, and it's putting the children first. So you tell me if your child is out there on the soccer field, don't you think they'd want to look over and see both mom and dad, not just, oh, it's my dad's weekend, so my mom's not here. That's where the full time mom piece comes in for me of what I was talking about is that I will always I will always be there no matter what. Now, I'm not going to go, you know, to holidays with them. Like we don't spend all, you know, all that time together like that. There's boundaries, right? There's there's that respect in that manner. But for the most part, every day we talk, every day we see each other. If not, it's it's very minimal that that would happen. Either way. You have to check your ego at the door when it comes to your kids, because let's be honest, that should and could be applied to both married and divorced parents. I still need to remember to check my ego at the door from time to time as well. Is there any other type of advice that you might give to someone who is co-parenting with an individual who maybe their thoughts and values don't align? One good thing with with my ex-husband and I is that our our values when it comes to parenting have always aligned. It's how we execute those values that were different. So we we have moments. There are moments where I know he's pulling his hair out. There are moments where I am like, what is happening? Like, what are you thinking? How is this like how like how what? What is happening? Like, who are you? You know, is it a little reminder as to why you're not married? Yes. Yes. But also, um, I think that it's it's that that's the biggest piece of advice that I could give for someone that's trying to co-parent with someone who doesn't align is, again, you've got to take your ego. And because when you're when you're going through this whole divorce co-parenting thing, you want to be the right parent. You always want to be right. You always want to be fun. You always want to have the better gifts like you want to win. It's a competition, right? Like, I am winning Christmas this year with this or I'm I'm doing that. I don't know now that I said that. I don't know that I ever felt that way. I mean, in some scenarios, yes, but especially like with Christmas or whatever, it was like, okay, what do the kids want? What are what's their what's on their list? You know, like that's what's important. And they did a really good job of, you know, making different lists for different, you know, from different houses or whatever, but not to. I'm digressing. So but I would say if their values don't align with yours, you have to look at what what is going to help the children because it's about your your job as a parent has nothing to do. Like, your job as a mom has nothing to do with his job as a dad. You both are parents. Okay, so what can you do as their parental figure to help them excel in life? To teach them from right, from wrong, to teach them kindness and love and caring, and to teach them how to navigate in this world. That's our job as parents. Our job as parents is not to. Well, did you see what I got you for Christmas this year or. Well, did you know your dad? No, that's not your job as a parent. Your job as a parent is to say, hey, Harry, when you go to college next month, here's how you do laundry. Here's how you make, you know, friends with people that you don't know. Because we've been in this small community and you've known everyone from preschool by going to parochial school. Like, you know, here are things here's tips and tools to navigate on how I would handle that if I were you, or if these are the things I want to tell you from my perspective. And that's another thing too, that, like with our divorce, as to why, like I was saying before about being the mom I want to be is so that I could I could teach the lessons in the manner that I wanted to. So that is actually where a lot with my ex-husband and I struggle when it comes to alignment, because again, our values are I mean, we we you talk about when you're dating, you talk about what kind of parent you want to be. You talk about like discipline and nutrition. And, you know, like you talk about the things like I remember even him and I joking like, well, I'm going to be the good cop and you're going to be the bad cop, like I already know it. When a child falls down, I'm going to be the one that's like, oh, come to mommy, let me love you. Let me put the Band-Aid on, give you a little kiss, you know, and and he's more of a is there a bone sticking out? No. Rub some dirt on it. You're fine. Like. But we both care that the child is safe, right? So, like, it's just kind of like. That's a really poor example, but just how the alignment there of, like, how we would handle situations is different. You just really have to focus on when it's in your time to do it your way to show them. Like one of the biggest blessings that have come out of my divorce is that my kids now have two separate ways of seeing how you could live your life, and they get to choose the bits and pieces from both of us that they like and don't like, and how they want to go forth living their lives. I mean, your home is what you grow up with. That's the only example you know. An example for me would have been my mom purchased every Christmas present. I don't know if my dad ever knew before we opened presents what we were even getting birthday presents. Any presents like, my mom took care of all of it. And then when we started having kids, I remember there was a present that I wanted that I wanted to get Harry. And he had been like, oh, I've already got everything planned out. I've got a spreadsheet. Everything's. And I was like, wait, I don't get a say in what my kids are getting. You know, like, I thought I did all of this. Like, I thought I decorated the house. I thought, I'm the one that was going to get the, you know, the the, the presents. And I thought, you know, because that's what I grew up with. And so I think that this is allowing them to see that there are different ways of living, there are different ways of how you go about different situations in life, and they get to choose how they want to. So when you're talking about because I really got off topic there. No. That's good. That's what I'm best at. But to come back to when you're with your original question of how, like what advice I would give with when someone's does, their views don't align. It's just knowing. You've got to focus on what you're doing to help your child in that scenario or that moment, and let them know that, you know, like if they're, you know, speaking as a mom, if their father is going to handle something differently, that's okay. That's okay. As long as there's not any harm or, you know, endangerment happening, obviously that's okay, because mom's way isn't the right way. Dad's way isn't the right way. This is all. This is what we know and what we're teaching you. And this is what I'm. I'm going to do my best every day to show up as the best version of me. For you to set that good example when you're with me, this is what we do here. You're so darn strong. Listening to you explain all of that, I am in awe of how you got to this point, because honestly, you're the first person to say it hasn't always been like this. It is. It is a work in progress and still is. We all are continually learning and adapting. Now that you kind of said that, like, I'm making it sound like we've been great from the beginning. No. When we first got divorced, I remember we were trading off at daycare and I will never forget. He couldn't even look at me. He handed. He handed. He handed Jefferson over like he wouldn't even look at me. And I thought, this, this is great. Speaking back at the very first question of the very first days of divorce, that was it. Handing a child over me. I did my best to be like, you know, here's daddy. Like, you know, he's waiting for us. Like, you know what? Like trying to make it more of that because that's the mom and the nurturing in me. And then as soon as the handoff was done and as soon as I turned around out of view, that's when I lost it. That's when I would either be screaming at the top of my lungs how much I can't stand you. And, you know, like just the anger that I had. Or it would be the crying, you know, there's just so many emotions. But it was it was never it was not. It's still not sunshine and rainbows every day. But we've had ten years to figure it out. And communication is key and we sometimes have it and other times we do not. We still lack with that, but it wasn't always where we are now. It took work by both of us. Part of the reason that we wanted to have this conversation on the Working Moms Redefined podcast was to say, I mean, 50% of marriages end in divorce, so 50% of us are experiencing some of the things that you are talking about. And that is really hard. Then add on all of these other facets in your life friends, Kids, family, business, business, owner aspirations, all of these other things that make each of us, us. It's hard. It's hard to decide how much to put into each bucket. And you talk about how you are challenged from time to time, deciding how to balance your buckets. What does that look like for you today? Oh, gosh. My my balancing. Um, since we've had conversations, has I definitely it's it's improved. Um, because again I'm, I try to take care of everybody. I want to I want to see everybody I want to I want to be with everybody. You know? I want to have time with just my kids. I want to have time with my family. I want to have time with my friends. I want to have time with myself. You know, like, there's all. There's all, you know, and then also, I'm running a business. So then I have all of those buckets and all of those hats to wear, and I think that I'm starting to find more of a system because. I'm realizing that if I'm not taking care of me and the things that are most important to me, I can't take care of you and I can't take care of them, and I can't, you know, it's so I'm trying to really find that balance in when I have my kids from day one, this was the easiest bucket because when I have my kids, I'm with my kids, like, even, you know, scheduling time with a friend, I'll be like, let me look at my schedule. Because if, you know, give me some dates that work for you. But I'll have to look, because if I have my children, I will not go out to dinner with you while I'm having, you know, like leave my children at home or leave them with someone because of having them. 50% of the time I, I soak up all the amount of that 50% that I possibly can. So there's that balance of right away. Friends. Its family? Depends. Do I have my kids do I not? And and especially even like with work. Um, a couple months ago, I think it was, um, my daughter had a soccer game and I looked at my I was making out my schedule and there was not enough people. It was not my weekend. So it was dad's custody. Okay. But full time mom. Right. So we're we're still going to the soccer game, but I did not have enough employees that would be able to work because they had things that they wanted to do, too. And I had to close my shop that day because my child will be more important in watching her soccer game. That's the balance that I have is the shop will be closed and I, you know, I hope and I really do feel like my community at Bailey's understands my children come first because it's always been that way since I've taken ownership. But I think just trying to find schedule in those moments and scheduling them in advance, you know, you see these memes all the time where it's like, um, you know, I'll see you two years on, you know? Tuesday, January 25th. Like, yep. That's sometimes what you have to do. You have to schedule it out. But, um, I definitely think that I'm finding a better balance when I'm with my kids. I'm not at work. And when I'm at work, I'm not with my kids. That's one thing that's that has been a really hard balance and a hard buckets to kind of to fill. Because when you're with your kids, you're always thinking about work. And when you're at work, you're always thinking about your kids, but it's just having that, okay, like, I know this is what my schedule is for today. I know that this is what I'm going to do, and then how can I fit in the rest to have that time? The time that I don't have my children is the time that I work on work things first. I schedule time with my friends and I also am not in this order. Sometimes I put myself first, which is very new for me. Even you know, a while ago I had someone say like, oh, you know, can you do dinner next Tuesday? Well, I could have, but I haven't had any, any time for a long time because of soccer and everything else has consumed my life with my children. So Tuesday actually is Amy's night, and Amy's going to take herself on a date. And Amy bought herself flowers that night, and she got herself dressed up that night. She took herself out to dinner that night, and it was a whole thing. It was a whole a whole thing. But I did that instead of with a girlfriend, because I knew I needed that time for me so that I could be a better parent, a better boss, a better mom. What does time for Amy look like? I love to read. I'm working on writing a book that that the book that I'm working on writing. It's taking me down a path emotionally because it's very much it's I mean, it's my story. It's my story of how I got from there to here, and there's a lot of emotion that's tied into that so that that sometimes gets pushed to the back burner. But a lot of times I take walks. I'm walking like about three miles every day. Sometimes I'll listen to music, sometimes I'll listen to a podcast. Sometimes I don't take anything and it's just my time just to think and just to kind of decompress. Um, I'll call my mom, talk to my mom on the phone. To me, that's self-care. It's not necessarily going getting a pedicure. Sometimes it does look like that. Going to dinner. Buying yourself flowers. But those types of things are, at least with my schedule, few and far between. This type of stuff that's realistic, that's realistic. And I can't wait to read your book. Oh my goodness, how fun will that be? The next time you'll be on here, we'll call you a published author. Amy Hendrian some of the points of frustrations, the push and pulls. That's every working mom. You know that you relate to them. That's part of the reason why you're Bailey's Coffeehouse and Fudge Shop is so successful is because people feel lighter when they leave there. You're the first person to spread cheer by giving them a cup of coffee and the wee early hours of the morning. And yet, how do you navigate those boundaries between work and motherhood? By first straight up saying, like my kids come first no matter what. But for from my perspective at least watching you navigate this, you don't feel guilty about it. Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes. And saying that out loud, like I feel weird about it. I don't necessarily feel bad, but sometimes I think I choose work over kids and I don't love that. Does that teach them things? Absolutely. But just last night, I had an hour to myself. One child was going to be a basketball camp. The other one was at football practice. And Hudson looked me in the eyes and said, but mom, you're you're not going to football practice. And you want to talk about like, heart wrenching, pull my heart out. And I'm like, But I'll be able to show up better when you get home, because I'll get an hour of work done that I put off because I needed a hair appointment while you're there, so that you can have an even more fun time with me when you get back home. And man, I let that eat at me and Jeremy on his way out. Thank God for him. Thank God, he said, Denise, it's practice. I didn't go to Sydney's volleyball practices. Not one. I didn't go to her softball practices, not one. And in that moment, as I was peeing on the toilet, I looked at him and I said, thank you. I wouldn't have gotten there. My brain literally was not going to go there. I went down that guilt and shame trap. Listening to you, you don't have that person to coach you right now, right? That ex-husband who loves your kids as much as you do. There's not anybody going to love them the same way as that person. You coach yourself through that time and time again, and that's where I see your strength. So again, we're just getting off on all of these tangents. But I think back as is that hard draw line, how you really navigate work and motherhood the best, I think. I think I have to, because if you look at it, even Jeremy as an example, and this might get some backlash, I don't know. This is how I feel. Men have it so different than women because him saying, well, I didn't go to this and I didn't go to that. What dad does really, you know, like most of the men, you know, society has taught us that men go to work and they make the money, and the mom is supposed to stay home and, and do all the things. That's how society taught us, especially like, for me growing up, that's just how it was. So now the whole part of the guilt being, you know, the woman guilt is, is real. Mom guilt is real. And I have it. There are times I have it where I'm thinking, um, you know, like, Jefferson has a soccer tournament that's going to be in Florida in December. And I said, there's no way I can go. And that makes me feel guilty because my son's playing soccer and it's a big tournament and it's like a, you know, a special opportunity for him. Also, the other side of my brain reminds me he's 13. You have plenty more soccer tournaments. You have plenty more things that you'll be able to go to. It's one weekend tournament. It's not the World Cup. I have to be both from my perspective. Again, the man who just can, you know, not have that guilt. And the woman that does. I have to be both because I don't have that counterpart, like you're saying. That's what I think I have been struggling with the most lately, is I'm so overwhelmed because I have all these feelings, because I have to feel it from both sides. I have to feel like, okay, I really want to be there, okay? But realistically, I mean, you can't. I really want to do this. Okay? Realistically though, you can't like it's there is there is that guilt. But if I allow that to consume me, then I'm going to lose me. And I can't lose me because then my kids aren't getting the mom that they deserve. So I don't allow myself to have that guilt because my children know at the end of the day, I make sure my children know at the end of the day how much they are loved and how much I am doing. And I explain to them because I tell them all the time. Communication is the number one. Like the number one thing in any relationship, it's the key. I had a friend of mine, um, that I had met, right. Actually, when my ex-husband and I started dating, I started a new job and a girl, and I just clicked right away. And she had been married a couple of years. I think their child was maybe like 2 or 3, their first baby. And she just like when I was talking to her about this relationship and I, you know, I think he's the one and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all that stupid Disney stuff. I don't believe that there's one. But anyway, obviously. But she said communication is key to any any lasting relationship. That has stuck with me, and not just with a man that has stuck with me for any relationship. Communication is key. My kids know at the end of every day how much I love them. My kids know how much I've been through. We literally have a text chain now that they're getting older, especially Harrison and I. Every day he will ask me, how's your day going? How's he? He almost is like my counterpart because he kind of asked those questions like, that kind of gets you through your day. But he was like, you know, how is your day going? And I'll be honest with him. And when Abby asked me, I'll be honest with her, you know, what did? I literally sucked this person did this or that happened with this, or I was late here, or I wanted to do this and I couldn't, or I was supposed to have this, but this came up at work, so I couldn't. Like I let them know by communicating how I am. So that way they understand. Okay. Like mom's tired, you know, like she's. She's got mom's overwhelmed. How come? You know. And then a lot of times, because I'm going to totally brag on my kids because they're amazing, they will ask, what can I do to help? Is there something I can do to help before you come home? Is there anything I can get going? You know, like. And now that Harry's driving and I know once Abby gets her license next month. Oh, my gosh, she'll do the same thing. Like, can I run the store for you? Or can, you know, like, what can I get so that we can help out? But I think that helps alleviate my guilt because I communicate with them. This is what I'm all going through today. I'm doing the best I can. I don't know how many times a week I tell my kids I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes it's in a hostile. I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes it's that I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes it's the very snarky, sarcastic, I'm doing the best I can, but they always know they're loved and mom is doing the best she can. I love listening to you, and I think partly it's because your authenticity is shining. The version of you with your kids, the version of you on this podcast, the version of you as a business owner. It's the same. Your disc personality proves that to be true when it comes to your identity. You said so many gold mine comments in there, by the way, that assumed consume what will assume and consume that that thought. I can't wait to go back and listen to that because that was really, really good with your identity. We kind of were redefining it. You have watched yourself change, both good and bad. There are things that you love about yourself and things that you're like, oh, I'm gonna stick that in a corner, as you should. How has your identity evolved through divorce as a working mom and entrepreneurship? Um, a lot. I mean, I can't even, I don't I don't even know how to even really answer that. I would say at the beginning of this process, we'll just say at the beginning of my divorce, because that's when I chose me. That's when I said, no more. I'm choosing me. Moving forward, at that point, I was a chameleon. If you'd asked me like, what do you identify as chameleon? Because I can change my colors, meaning my personality, to fit whoever's around me. How can I make you feel comfortable? Oh, you need me to be loud and bubbly and be like the comedian. Got it. I can crack a joke, like, without even thinking about it. You need me to be stern and disciplined. I can do that. You need me to be quiet and small. I'll no longer do that, but I could. I mean, like, back then. Back then I'll be quiet and small. I'll, I'll, I'll I won't even say a word like I could adapt. And I'm very good at reading people and knowing what you needed from me, and I would, I would adapt me and show up as who you needed me to be instead of me showing up authentically who I was. That has been something I have worked on for the last ten. We'll just say ten plus years. I think I probably started working on it before then, because I think that's what led to my divorce, is realizing I'm done doing this. I don't just wear my my heart on my sleeve. My heart is my entire being. That sometimes gets me into trouble because I care so much about everything and everyone. And I'm evolving now to yes, I can still care about you, but that doesn't mean that I come last or that I come next. I can care about you while still taking care of myself. That is something that I've really evolved in. In trying to protect my peace and being authentically me is allowing myself to care. And also my whole life, I've always just been an open book. I've always felt like I've had to justify myself or my actions, or to like, if I've made a choice. I need to explain to you why, so that you can see my point of view, and you can see that I'm not a bad person or something along those lines. Again, that comes from childhood trauma that I'm working through and setting boundaries with. I am right now because that's the point of this, and I want to help as many women and mothers as I can. That's the point of my book, is oversharing everything. Because if my story can help you or change something, that is one of my purposes of being here, I feel. But as a business owner, as a mother, I've evolved from being. Like I said at the beginning of this, I went from his wife and their mom. I'm Amy Hendrian and this is this is who I am. And if I if you if you like me, great. If you don't, that's fine too, because I'm not going to change who I am so that you do like me. Amy, ten years ago would have done whatever she could have to get everyone to like her because she just wanted to be loved. And now I just love myself. I'm working on loving myself. That's still a work in progress, but we're getting a lot closer. You're watching on our YouTube channel. You can see the chills because, Amy, your words have power. You have such impact. Wow. Although you have experienced divorce, you are not defined by it. You've proven that to be true today. And I'm learning from you. I'm like, oh man, what a good little tidbit. That's awesome. Can I keep that in the back of my mind? I hope you are so darn proud of yourself. So darn proud. Before we get to like, a fun. You know what? No. Let's just go into this lightning round. I've not yet done this on a podcast. I'm thinking I'm going to integrate it a little bit more because I just don't. I love that darn shoe game so much. Do you listen to our, uh, Jeremy and I's episode? That was one thing I always wished I did it out of the wedding and oh, I forgot to share. I forgot to tell you this. My cousin asked me to be there. They're not going to have a DJ. Um, for those who didn't know, I was a radio DJ for ten years. So he asked me to do it, and he just. His, uh, fiance sent me a text the other day, and I was like, we're playing the shoe game. They don't know it yet. I haven't told them this, but we're playing the shoe game. So, Amy, please play the shoe game with me around divorce. It's kind of not like. But it's just lightning round and I'm going to call it the shoe game, so. Okay. First thought that comes to mind. One word to describe motherhood after divorce. Resilient. Oh, that was quick. One word to describe you as a business owner. Um. Compassionate. Um, yeah. One word to describe you as a friend. Loving. So good. What was a mom win this past week for you? This past week was a lot. I appreciate your honesty. Yeah. Lunch. Did they eat lunch? I got this phone call. That's mom. What's for lunch? Whatever you can find. Whatever you can find in that house is what's for lunch today. My mom fail would have been that I didn't get. I got food at the grocery store, and but I didn't. I got stuff for for dinners. I didn't think about them being here for lunch. I mean, even though we are over halfway through summer vacation, it's still new to me that they're home here during the day. I had breakfast covered, I had dinner covered. And then Harry calls my 18 year old at that calls. What's for lunch today? Whatever you can find, son. Whatever you can find. I'm like, you know what? There's frozen pizzas in there. There's chicken in there. I said, you know, actually, I have taco meat that was going to be for dinner. Eat that for lunch. Like, whatever. Whatever. Whatever you can find. There's bread. Make yourself a grilled cheese or a peanut butter and jelly, I don't care. Just make something so that, um. That was like my. Yeah, it's been a it's been an adventure. Jefferson does soccer camp at UMD. And I was sitting here and I thought, I feel like I should be I should be picking Jefferson up from soccer camp right now. Like, that's where I should, you know. So that was kind of a I, you know, you asked me about my mom when was. I don't know that I've had too many this week. I think it's all been like just like, oh, gosh. Moments. I want to I'm going to point one out because it's I think it's super cool and applicable. Who started working with you at Bailey's this week? Oh yeah, that would definitely be a mom win. So Abby, she started working with me. I am so proud of her because this little mama in the making, if she chooses to be, she, uh, she knows what I go through. She knows what my mission is. She has heard for the last six years. Now, this is what. This is what I was born to do. I was born to serve. I was born to, um, make people's lives enriched and better in some way, and somehow pouring a cup of coffee. You can do that at home. And I've explained to my children, they people come to Bailey's because of the experience that they're getting, because of they are a person, not a transaction. Because we build relationships, because I could tell you pretty much everyone's order. I can tell you about their family. I've been to weddings. I've been through funerals to people that are just customers, that have turned friends. Um, and my kids hear about all of that. Like, I come home and I'm, you know, when you come home and you talk about work, I. I talk about the relationships that I'm building because that's also me setting an example for them. And I talk about my staff because that's also me showing leadership skills that I'm trying to instill in my children, because I think being a leader is so important. I don't think you're born a leader. I think it's like a natural born leader. No, I think that's something that you learn as you continue to to grow and mature and to watch her. This is totally a mom win. You're right to watch her. Interact with customers at 15. The way that she does. I have gone to the back and I've teared up so many times because I'm like, that's my baby girl. Like, she's she's she's taking mom's mission and she's making it her own. We have one customer that loves her. She always will say, I don't care what scone you give me, just give me the crispiest one. She loves when they have crispy edges. So they give me the crispiest one. Abby has worked maybe six shifts. Five, six shifts. She knows this woman who's only been there a couple times during Abby's time there. But even today, she came through, and. And the. Another girl had grabbed a sponge. She's like, oh, no, no, that one's not. No, no, no, that's not what she was. And she's like, here, I got you this one. It's crispier because she wanted to make sure she got what she was asking for. And Abby, that was Abby's way of going above and beyond for that customer. The like, the attention to detail, the customer service and hospitality that she has. I know high five mom The kindness that's. You're right. That was. I was trying to think of something like with all my children. Because I don't ever want to just, like, exclude one of them. But my mom, when this week, is definitely having Abby at work with me and and watching her excel and just, just a 15, just how she handles people of all ages. Because sometimes, you know, there's intimidation and she's not she she is something else. She is a force to be reckoned with. She's you, she is you. Uh, the other wins because it's probably harder sometimes when you're in the moment from an outsider looking in, you know, Harry's going U of I. Wow, that's a win. Jefferson has been asked to play on a team. And you drive to Saint Louis 2 or 3 nights a week, and he's going to go play. And I wanted to say this earlier, he's going to go play in a soccer tournament. And I like how you said he's not professional. And all I wanted to say was yet it's not professional yet. So successes are so many and yet so many are yet to come. Last question because this is absolutely beautiful. You've done a phenomenal job owning a coffee house, fudge shop, bakery, my favorite items at. We're going to go through favorite items. You have to pick one drink. Okay. And it can't it doesn't necessarily have to be on the menu and one bakery item. Oh wait. And then and then your favorite fudge. So for me obviously Roy Webb it's salted caramel. And is it vanilla. Is that right. It's so it's caramel sauce. And then we have a vanilla salt. It's like a vanilla bean and then like a salt and like I don't know how they make it. It's phenomenal. It's vanilla bean salt. Okay. Well I it's great. Go get that. And then apparently I'm a salted caramel thing. You have a salted caramel peanut butter cookie. You guys. You guys. It's between that for me and your, um, your cookie. Like your sugar cookies. They're so good. And then, of course, because Amy, as you can tell, is amazing. And around Valentine's Day, it's the only time that she does it. She does fudge dipped strawberries. You want to compare chocolate covered strawberries to fudge dipped strawberries? There is no comparison. There is no comparison. And you want to talk about self-care? Let's add on to it. If you are local, even if you're not local, her contact information is in the show notes. Make a note for January. Send this woman a message and she will send. Sorry, Amy. She will. She will send you these fudge dipped strawberries because oh oh my gosh. Okay. Anyway, that was so much more than the two that I allotted you. So good luck and go. Honestly, my favorite drink right now, every morning I come in and I get our flavor of the day drip coffee. And I get the beans all the time at home. But out of all of the options, I mean, you've owned it for six years, so maybe. But drip coffee with cream. Okay, continue. Or I would say if I didn't do the drip coffee because here's the whole thing, like a lot of people think is interesting is that I own a coffee shop and I'm not a big coffee drinker. Nope. And we have Lotus, but it rots your teeth. I'm just not. That's too much caffeine for me. It's just not a, like, a big thing for me. But if I had to choose anything with that, I would say my favorite latte is caramel and coconut. I think I just got burned out on it. Yum. It's a good summer combination. Coconut. Just feel beach vibes, you know? For sure. My favorite pastry would definitely have to be any of our lemon scones I love lemon. I know, I knew you were gonna do that. I knew you were gonna do that. Right now we have lemon poppy seed, and I cannot get enough of those. My sister would really like that. Okay. What's your favorite? Fudge? Um, probably just the basic chocolate. Me, too. It's just a different flavor for chocolate. Yeah. So, yeah. So when you're listening, and if you're nearby Quincy, Illinois, when you go in and you now order all of this delicious goodness, say, I couldn't decide between the lemon poppy seed scone or the salted caramel peanut butter cookie. So I'm just going to get both because you guys were so convincing on Denise's podcast. Amy. Wow, what a pleasure. What a joy. You were vulnerable in ways that I think so many of us wish that we could be, especially around a sensitive topic. And yet the things that you say on here, some people might be thinking, oh my gosh, how is she so optimistic? How did she get here? Whatever you might hard work. And yet she's not faking a darn thing on here. What she has said is what she believes. It is what she lives out day to day. Which is why I could not think of a better person that I wanted to share this conversation with. So thank you for showing up exactly how all of us needed you to. Thank you. That is today's episode of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. If you want to connect with Amy, her LinkedIn account is below, as well as the Bailey's Coffeehouse and Fudge Shop Facebook and Instagram pages. You're going to want to go look at all of those photos, and then we're probably going to want it to meet for coffee. So you be sure to contact us and let us know. Check us out on socials. View the beautiful version that you get to see visually with Amy as you watch us on YouTube. And let's connect outside of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of this space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram Facebook LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you! If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment as we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things. We get a good cough out. Yeah. Get it. Listeners, you know you have a good friend when she checks to see if you're recording so that you don't have to redo all of this again.
