Untitled - June 12, 2025
00:00:00 Speaker: Hi, I'm Denise. Host of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Let's join together as we lessen the hold of mom guilt in our lives, thrive in our careers, and raise great kids. You are doing enough. Let us boost your confidence today on this episode of Working Moms Redefined podcast. At the time of this podcast episode, it is summertime in the toolkit household. Hi, it's Denise. Thank you for spending time with us today on the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Summertime in our home comes with so many great elements. There are water balloon fights. There are nights staying up later. There are softball and baseball games and popsicles and summer fun checklists. There's also a lack of structure. There is a lack of routine and I am trying darn hard to be okay with that and to go with the flow. And I'm doing okay. I really do think the kids are doing okay too. I believe that kids thrive and do really well with said routine. And it's okay that the summertime doesn't have that. It's okay that they're staying up later. And maybe me saying that out loud is like convincing me that it is okay, but I'm really doing okay with it. When the kids were younger, I was very strict with the full intention of being strict about bedtimes because I know it benefits them, right? Kids need good sleep when they have good sleep. They have better days. They function at a higher capacity. They enjoy life more. So although I know that they might not like the fact that you need to be in bed at 730 and asleep by eight, they might not like that, But I know with my wisdom of parenting for eight years that it will benefit them. Five six years ago, I didn't have as much wisdom and they didn't fight me as much, but it was still the case, to the point where sometimes they went to bed at 630 or 7 because I know that their brain needed that. As I've recently learned in a therapy session, as we all know, that is a form of control. And I have been telling you, listener, time and time again, that I want to let go of control and let others shine. And so I've been doing it, and shockingly enough. It's not that hard when I choose to let go, to let others shine. They shine. Isn't that blasphemy? No, it's really actually not. And I've been doing a good job, especially this summer in the back of my mind saying, it's summer time. They'll be fine. They do a good job. They're still good kids. And my therapist recently said to me, are you people pleasing when you're wondering the backfiring of the kids, not listening or not doing well? Because ultimately, is it because you care about what they're acting out might reflect in you? And I thought, Holy cow, I did not see that coming. I did not see that coming. Is that the case? Maybe a little bit. Not fully. But then I dove into that thought process deeper. I've worked really hard to be a recovering people pleaser. I've gotten a lot further than I was in high school and college and my younger 20s. I really, honestly thought I wasn't doing it as much anymore. And I do believe that statement to be true. But sometimes us as parents view how our kids show up and act as a reflection as to whether or not we are doing a good enough job. Not saying that's right or wrong. I'm saying that. Yeah, she therapist Sara might be right. What if I ultimately don't want to let control go of certain things when it comes to parenting? Because I'm afraid of what other people will think if the kids don't act the way that I think they should act. Again, we go back to control. To me, when I hear that statement is okay, I need to build a belief or excuse me, I need to help them build a belief in themselves, to be able to trust that they will make the right decision. That does not happen over that night. That does not happen without a little bit of control and a lot of oversight. I am not discrediting anything that I have done, and yet are we there to discipline correctly? When you let go of that control and let them shine or not shine? Isn't it funny how now, kind of like that's the next part of the statement. Let go of control, to let them shine or not shine. And either of those can be okay. Either of those shining or not shining is how we ultimately learn. And the expectation that I would like to set for our children is not that they always have to shine. They don't always have to achieve. They don't always have to do more to be more, to get more. And I don't think that my parents consciously did that to me. We have high expectations in our house, just as I did when I was growing up. The expectation is to do well. Why did I take it upon myself to do better, or even more so than well? And I'm trying very hard to make sure that that is not the expectation that our kids feel. Because I have this we've discussed it concept of that. Maybe I'm not as much fun as I would like to be because control and fun are connected. We can have controlled fun. We can have planned spontaneity. But I am finding myself wanting to find more fun and pleasure in life again. As I spoke with this concept to Sarah, a therapist. She said, did something happen at one point in your life to make you think that you can't have fun as a mom? I'm like, not that I can think of. Did your mom has fun as a mom? I mean, I think so. She especially had fun with us when she played board games with us. Or we cooked and baked. And so I really don't think it's rooted in trauma. But yet I had no problem playing endlessly with my sister. I had no problem playing sports and really detaching all of my to do's from the practice in which I was at the why can't I do that as a parent? And she told me, she said, why don't you look for the fun and the pleasure in parenting. And instantly I thought, don't I do that already? I thought I did, and then I noticed, as I put that into practice, finding fun and pleasure in parenting, that it's okay for me to have fun and pleasure while parenting. Not saying that I didn't have fun, but I definitely viewed parenting as a responsibility, as something that I need to do in order to lead and grow these individuals into really awesome human beings that give back and serve and do well. And all of that is still true. While adding in this concept of have fun while you do it. It's okay that they quote miss bedtime by 20 minutes. Might they be a little tired the next day? Yeah, so put them to bed early. That a recent example is we have recently got a quote for our house. We're building on a garage. If you've been near our house or have seen photos of it. We live in Jeremy's grandma's house, and so we've done a lot of love and care to make it what it is today. And we are ready to really, truly make it ours. So we are building hopefully a garage that then has a loft above it. This loft was actually not my idea. It was my Grandma Sharon's idea. Beautiful, beautiful thought because she said to me, the kids are going to want to have friends over. They're going to need a little bit more space. Build a loft. When you build the garage. That was 5 or 6 years ago. Grandma, you knew exactly what I needed before I even knew that we would. It was so cool. Nonetheless, we are in the process now of doing that, and I'm thinking, how can we make this most optimal? Well, we need a bunk bed. Of course, rather than having two beds side by sides, a bunk bed would be the perfect solution. Why? Well, because you can have more people in there. I want to be the house that the kids come to after school, and know that the norm is actually for people to come over in between sports after school, to spend time together, whatever the case might be, because they want to, not because they feel like they have to. I remember after school, we used to go to my friends house that lived in town because it was close by. It was a nice little walk away before practice after school to get some homework done. Have fun. Be in community together. Eat some really great snacks. I want to be that house, that loving hug because I want to help lead our kids and their friends. I want to be that in that season of life. And so in order to do that, we need a loft. Apparently that's what's in my mind. So said bunk bed we found online from Facebook Marketplace, ended up being from a friend, and we got this bunk bed last weekend because I am looking for fun and entertainment and pleasure within parenting. I came up with the idea of what if we actually set up the bunk bed in Sydney's room right now, and you guys could share the room from time to time if you wanted? The looks on their faces, guys, I felt like the coolest mom ever. Ever. And so we did. Jeremy took down Sydney's bed, which still had the little teeth bite marks from when she was an infant. It was one of those that starts out as a crib, and then you can transition it into a full size bed. So that went away. Still keeping it, but the bunk beds went in place. These kids played with these bunk beds for four hours. I'm not joking. They have sticky notes with labels as to who bed is, what they are stuffed animals. One has 13, one has 14. They have had so much joy over these bunk beds. And me. I had so much fun in presenting this idea and them loving it. So does it mess up bedtime a little bit? You absolutely bet it does. Am I stepping out of my comfort zone? Am I letting go of what I really thought was actually my control? When really it was this tension in my body that I thought I needed to have, kind of rather than focus on the why? I guess more so, I'm focusing this summer on the fun in parenting. That does not discredit any season of parenting that you are in, because it's hard, and it is an honor, and it is a gift and that weighs on us. Or it should. I mean, why would it not? So that does not take away any of that, but to give myself permission to have fun as a parent and in leading our children, that that is what I want to focus on this summer. In the show notes, I have included a summer checklist if you would like to have it, because it's been really fun for us to have and the kids to decide what they want to do with change some of the things to make them your own, but prove to yourself at the end of the summer that you were a great parent, that you did a great job, that you checked all the boxes, if you will, and that you can see that you were fun. I made that before I even knew that I wanted to incorporate fun within me as a parent. Like I said long before, but man, if it just does it cool how our body shows us and our Holy Spirit shows us what we need before we our brains actually know it. It's so cool. So the coming weekend, I said to the kids, hey, we don't have a ton of weekends that something isn't going on. Do you guys want to invite some friends over today to play? Hey, Sydney, you can have a sleepover. They were so excited. And I'm having fun in getting to be the home where people come. I'm having fun in providing fun for the kids. Why have I never viewed it like this again? I don't want to go there. Instead, I want to focus on what is it going to look like for the next 12, ten, 12 weeks. A fun this summer with our family. Why do I talk about it? Because as silly as it is, I did not think of this on my own. And I don't need to know why. What I do need you to know, though, is that you can have fun to plan some fun plan in your mind to show yourself that you can have fun as a parent, doing things with them and for them because you deserve it. And we're on this journey together. And so when I find something out that I didn't necessarily know about myself, I want to be very clear in sharing it with all of you first. So check out the show notes for our summer fun checklist. I've already even changed some things for our household, so adjust it how you need it. Put it on the fridge and prove to your kids and yourself when they go back to school in August that you did a great job. Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of this space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment as we part ways together. Remember, you can do hard things. It's recording. We're going rogue. We're going live. Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
