Untitled - May 2, 2025
00:00:00 Unknown: Hi, I'm Denise, host of the Working Moms Redefined podcast. Let's join together as we lessen the hold of mom guilt in our lives, thrive in our careers, and raise great kids. You are doing enough. Let us boost your confidence today on this episode of the Working Moms Redefined Podcast. I love getting to spend one-on-one time with you. Hi, it's Denise, and thank you for listening to this week's episode of the Working Moms Redefined Podcast. Lately, I have gotten the opportunity to spend additional time with sixteen to eighteen year olds, whether that's in the school setting or outside in the community. It has been really fun. To get to pour into youth who really are our future. It's weird to think about who we were at that age. sixteen seventeen eighteen that was a season of our life where we were really learning, where we were transitioning from being a child and then becoming an adult and oftentimes we think about Man, if I knew this sooner or if I had known that, I bet I would have done this. I will at least think of that often. And I consider what would I at that age wish I had known then that I know now? That it's okay to embrace who you are is the biggest thing that comes to my mind. The theme that I often think about is, yes, I realized what I loved and what I was good at. I don't really feel as if I owned it, though. I wish I would have owned it. And yes, I know that that comes with confidence and all of these things. But what does it look like to help youngsters realize that when they love something, let's go all in and see what that looks like. I've had some great examples from mentors that did that with their kids, whether that was in sports. Or acting or drama or music and it's really neat to get to see that. I'll be the first to tell you. When the kids were very young or even probably before we had children, those that have children probably laugh now. At this statement. Because I do. I remember thinking, oh my goodness, our kids will never do travel sports. They just won't. Partly because I wasn't allowed to do so. And I saw how much running it took. And honestly, selfishly, I didn't want to do that. I don't want to do that. Or so I thought. Because then your kids enter the world. Again, people who parents that don't have kids, we think we're the best experts at that time. And then you see their love of the game or their love of music and sports or drama or again, that list goes very long. And then you see what lights them up and excites them. Of course you're gonna wanna give them more. At least that's how I feel. So now Hudson is very good at sports. Sydney is great at volleyball. I am not against the idea. Of pouring more into their loves to help them find that confidence because we know, yes, do you gain a lot of tools from the actual topic that is at hand, whether it's sports or not sports? Yes. But you gain confidence and a deeper self-worth and you're put into moments of conflict or frustration and you gotta figure your way out. That sounds ideal, you know, and maybe we don't present it that way to the kids, but if we had been exposed to hard situations sooner to find a way out of it, I wonder how much cooler we would be. Or experienced or well-developed. And as I've spent more time in community with these youngsters, I've realized that we like to fix things for them. I do it myself for our six and eight year olds. It's easier for me to do it at times. It's easier for me to not see them struggle. There's beauty in struggle. I know this. And so for a quick example, if Hudson can't get the bag of chips open and he's struggling and he is getting frustrated and I ultimately know that when all of that happens, he's going to burst it and then the chips are going to go flying out. Everywhere. So it's easier for me to be like, buddy, I can help it. I can help you. I'll do it. Yet, then I'm taking him an opportunity to learn really a way. Because what happens if you get so frustrated and you can't control your actions? With the specific example of the bag of chips, well, the bag... Brakes and the chips go everywhere. I took that away. What can I do to put them in situations to work their way through it and not be a helicopter parent? Because let's be honest, that's a great tactic for us to try and not do that too. It's thoughts that have been going through my head when I see these teenagers Kind of being lackadaisical. They don't want to do things because they haven't been made to do things. Now, I'm not saying that we go to that traditional mindset and parenting. You do this because I said so. You know how I feel about that. But have we created individuals who have it too easy? I am not the person to judge. I am the person now to say, if that's the case, what can we do about it? In one of my most recent encounters with a teenager. I was talking on public speaking. I was helping them realize that public speaking isn't as scary as maybe you're labeling it as. Seventy percent of our population actually fear public speaking more than deaf. 75% of people would rather die than speak in public. That is insane to me because public speaking is a part of our day-to-day lives. Whether you're talking one-on-one with someone or speaking in front of thousands. There are dynamics of public speaking that are integrated in every moment of our lives. We really want and need to get good at it because if we don't communicate, struggles happen. As I asked this class, why do you fear public speaking? One, first of all, the fact to try and get kids to raise their hands and participate is hard. A multitude of reasons why. It's hard. And so one girl had the confidence to raise her hand and she said, I am scared that they are judging me. Uh, okay. Yes. And I told her, they probably are. Because human nature is not always to give grace. We often go to judging to make ourselves feel better based out of insecurity. And so when I looked at her and I said, yeah, they probably are. And? She was caught off guard because I don't know if we necessarily talk about these things with the kids as often as we would like. And I said, what is the worst thing that somebody could think of you? And I didn't ask it to only her because, man, if they don't like being pointed out and put the spotlight on, I don't know what else. But what's the worst thing that someone could tell you when you are talking with them? You're ugly. You're fat. I hate you. One of them was that they would think that I'm a fake. Which I've done enough therapy to really consider. I stopped asking this question, but it was on the tip of my tongue. Wait, wait, do you think you're fake? Like, do you not like that or you're fearful of that because you're afraid you're going to get, they're going to get caught? It's a dynamic there that I did not have enough time in the forty-three minutes that I got to spend with these kids. But name it to tame it. You know what I mean? And so once we really talked through the dynamic of what is the worst thing that someone could judge you for, say it out loud. One, is it really that bad? Right? We're evaluating it. Is it really that bad? Is it something that you can fix or want to fix? Or three, is it something that is what makes you uniquely you and that's okay? Okay. Giving yourself permission to know who you are, embracing who you are, and owning it That's something all of us could benefit from at an earlier age. And when we talked through that, who's to say it made an impact? But I hope that at least they realized that it's not as bad, probably, as the story that you are telling yourself. It's not as bad. You're making it worse than it probably is. We also talked about the dynamics within public speaking about asking questions, active listening. 90% of a conversation is nonverbal. 10% are your actual words. We really got to focus on our non-verbals, not crossing our arms, looking people in the eyes. And that is where I really want to focus our time together. The importance of what happens. When you look people in the eyes. I know that I am in a work business setting the majority of the time. I realize that I meet with individuals who are much older and younger than me and yet Those under the age of twenty really have a hard time looking adults and their peers in the eyes. I knew it was a thing. And yet, I didn't necessarily feel like I could make a difference in that besides my own children. It is a priority for our kids that when someone is speaking, you look them in the eyes. I. Focus on it so much at home. I know it though. It does not happen all of the time outside. I know that Hudson does not look at Mrs. Humkey every time that she teaches. I know that we still have areas of opportunity, but at six years old, we're going to start practicing now because if we don't practice now, When you are in high school and a person is walking past you in the hallway and you make it a point to not look at them, we have a problem. Because we care more about people than that. We care more about our insecurities right now, these kids are, than we are caring about connecting with people. And to no fault of their own. We live in an age where technology is apparent. We live in a season where, honestly, it's Easier to pause and wait and think about what we're going to say. And we get that extra time in a text message or in a recorded message to really think about what we want to say and how we want to reply. In face-to-face conversation, you don't have that because silence doesn't always get perceived as a good thing. I love it. The power of the pause, which we can talk about another time, is beautiful. But silence scares people when it's face to face, whether it's from judgment or insecurities of our own. And so we don't have it as much, especially with our youngsters. And so when you look at your kids, are they looking at you? When you speak, are they talking with you? Are they listening to you? Or are they off doing their own thing? Or are they on their phone? And I'm not saying that What you have done up to this point is wrong or bad by any means. But we all want to grow and do more and do better. And this is one really specific area that can make and will make Such a difference in the confidence of your children. Have them look you in the eyes. Because I'm the parent that can't sit on the bench, I love to coach. Now, I realize that my capacity for a coach When it comes to skill set for basketball is done. I cannot. I ended at second grade. I didn't play basketball. However, I can teach you that when a coach is speaking, you look them in the eyes. Volleyball. There's a confidence there for me because I played it. I know it. I love it. And I can help their kids look people in the eyes. When your coach is talking, you look them in the eyes. That is something from the very beginning that we talked about. Do I have to remind them almost every time some of them? Absolutely. Are there others that I don't? Sure. When you look people in the eyes, when you teach your young adults to look adults and their friends in the eyes, not only is there a moment of connection, not only is there a spark that cannot be met When your camera's off on an online call or when you're texting, it's respectful. You are showing the other person that they deserve your time, that they are worthy of of your listening ears and that you respect them as people by simply looking them in the eyes. Where do you think I got that story of walking down the hallway? And a young adult purposely did not look me in the eyes. It happened literally this morning as we record this podcast. It was mid-April. If you're listening to this later. And I'm walking down this hallway that I've walked three or four times. I met six kids on the walk. Six kids and I gave them ample opportunity to look at me. To recognize that they do not have to hide. That they do not have to lower themselves. Or that they have nothing to worry about. And that it's okay to look people. None of them looked me in the eye first. None of them. About that point where it's like, okay, if I don't say something right now, our paths are going to cross and they're going to have to look back at me is when I said, hi, have a great day. And then they look up. Then they look up. Or they look over. Or they connect. But not until I start. There's a generational gap there that, again, is another conversation for another time. But I, I wonder why. Why do they not feel comfortable looking people in the eye? Is it a dynamic they haven't been taught? Possibly. But you and I both know that there are deeper meanings there. Maybe they're socially anxious or they're insecure, right? They wonder if It's too vulnerable or if it's so intense and they're unsure of themselves and so rather than deal with it and really look to see if they're going to be accepted, they just don't. I get that there is a power dynamic when it comes to adults and kids. I get it. Especially if there's like authority involved. But looking them in the eye is respectful. And as we often hear teachers say, they get them for only a set amount of time each day. And then they go back home to their parents. And if the parenting isn't in line, It's very hard and the kids are pushed and pulled. So maybe the familiar norm is not to look people in the eye. And if that's the case, then I challenge you. I challenge you as leaders and as coaches and as parents to make it so that it's not the norm. How do you get your kids to look you in the eye? You tell them or ask them to do it. That's the next question I always get asked is, okay, well, then how do I make them do it? You, you literally tell them. You tell them. And I, with that power dynamic, yes, of authority or title, I want to eliminate that as much as possible. So in a lot of photos, if you see me coaching or if you see me talking with kids or if you were to see me in the grocery store, And the kids are talking and just last week Hudson wanted yogurt and he threw a little bit of a fit when he didn't get the kind that he wanted because it was $8 more expensive than the off brand. I get down on their level. I squat. I bend over. I get down so that I can eliminate that the concept of kids have to look up because there's that inferred dynamic in your mind of I'm not good enough. I'm, I'm unworthy. So I'm gonna get down on your level and I'm gonna get straight with you. And I'm gonna say, Hudson, you can act like that. Or you could not act like that. Either way, it's not going to change the outcome. You are not going to get this yogurt. Nor am I. Because I would really like it too. We're not getting this yogurt because it is $8 more. And I would rather spend that $8 on the third trampoline that we now buy, have to buy, because it got blown away in the storm. Story for another time. Okay. When we explain it, when we get down on their level and we remove the ickiness that can be associated with eye contact, it makes a difference. You make a difference. My goal is My goal with kids is to help them feel good. To help them realize that it's okay to have confidence in a very humble way. We don't have to be cocky. We can be humble. And when you think about public speaking, we assume it's about the words that we say. And as I left that time with them, I said, If you take nothing else away from our time together, I want you to take away the importance of looking people in the eyes. Put your insecurities aside for one moment and look people in the eyes. They are worthy of you doing so just as you are. Again, this was like literally two hours ago. So who's to say an impact was made? But I share this to say, have your kids do it. Because when you walk down a hallway, As an adult, whether you are visiting a kid's school or you are taking to a college visit and you want to connect with people and you're looking and you're searching for that connection and their head is down. Do you want that to be your kid? Do you want your child to be the one that literally opens a book instead of looking up or looks out the window when paths cross? It just happened. Our kids won't do it every time. They will probably do that at some point or continue to do it, whatever that looks like. But we are going to try hard to put an even more significant emphasis on looking people in the eye. When you do that, connection happens. When you do that, confidence grows. And when you look people in the eye, They know that you respect and believe in yourself. So why not pass that along to your kids? Thank you for listening to the Working Moms Redefined podcast. It is not lost on me that you chose to spend time together. Thank you. Let's connect outside of the space on socials. We'd love for you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest. We've got it all to connect with you. If you feel as if someone in your life could be impacted by this message, feel free to share it. That is the biggest compliment. As we part ways together, remember, you can do hard things.
